How To Plan a Funeral When There is a Pandemic Going On

COVID has canceled many things and impacted people on a grand scale. Yet, people will still die covid or not! Funeral rituals will remain one of the most important investments for many families and survivors after a death.

Funeral Planning
                                 Unique Like You!

The aspects of funeral let people join together too morn and celebrate a life that was and is a part of who we are. Together we support each other with rituals and traditions that will strengthen the fabric of our lives. Closure! What the heck is closure? And does it ever really happen. Personally, I don’t want to close anything that has to do the love I have for people in my life dead or alive! Funerals provide the platform to move onto the many stepping stones to come. Joining together to remember someone continues the bonds between us and our connections to each other.

Traditional Funerals
                             REMEMBER THIS!

The pandemic has changed the way funerals happen but should not keep them from happening. There are limitations in place in some areas based on current pandemic levels. Even as the pandemic has limited access to large social gatherings, funerals remain an important aspect of end of life. How can funerals take place? What can be done to create a holistic experience that’s safe for loved ones to attend? What does a funeral look like today?

People Are Adjusting to Hurdles

While there are some limitations and necessary changes to funeral planning, people are adjusting to it. Conducting services in the current climate typically means creating ways to get around some risks while providing opportunities to come together safely in a caring and healing environment. Consider a few ways funeral planning is changing to accommodate these needs.

Adherence to State Rules

One important change comes in following state laws and local city rules regarding congregating. Especially during the early portion of the pandemic, many states limited gatherings of 10 or more people. For families expecting 10 times that number of visitors during a funeral, limitations are evident. People are also becoming more flexible and understand that we do not gather in groups the ways of the past. Many restaurants

Mask at Funerals
         Don’t Forget to Mask For The Funeral!

now require proof of vaccination and photo ID to enter, why not the same for a funeral gathering?

The first step in the process is to know what these rules are. What limitations are present currently? On top of that some towns and cities have implemented local rules of gatherings. The funeral directors in your local funeral homes keep up to date with ordinances and can help guide and advise you on what can be done. They also have relationships with the different types of venues in your area not just funeral homes.

Creating a Safe Funeral and Gathering

The next step is to consider how to manage a funeral around those restrictions. Again, those planning a funeral can find workarounds to this. For example, keeping the service private to those who are most likely to feel the loss of the individual is one step many have taken. In addition, some are limiting guests to no more than 5 to 10 immediate family members.

In-person funerals may not be as readily available in many areas. Funeral providers are notified of any limitations, and they should serve as your first point of contact for information and guidance. Those who wish to honor a loved one with religious services can still do so. This is often done with the support and guidance of faith leaders in the community.

Virtual events are one of the ways many families have embraced. They allow for a very limited number of people to gather for the funeral but allow for a live video of the event to occur. Virtual events have become valuable even if people are able to gather for traditional funerals. With many being unable to attend due to their own health risks or because travel is complicated and limited, the use of a virtual component simply makes sense. Zoom is one such service available.

Some funeral homes are offering these services as a common component of funeral services. Funeral directors can help arrange virtual services that work for your needs in all cases. This allows people from around the world to come together to honor a lost loved one at a distance.

Social Distancing

                    Social distancing at funerals

Many states have relaxed their rules on funerals, allowing small groups to gather. Yet, doing so in a socially distanced manner is still very important to keep loved ones safe. Working with a funeral director, it may be possible to create numerous ways to create a socially distanced wake, funeral, and memorial gathering.

  • Family members may no longer greet loved ones at the door or as an entrance into the room. They may be seated in a place of honor, but the tradition of hugging those who arrive is less likely to occur.
  • Mask wearing has grown to be a standard in funeral settings. It allows for some level of protection.
  • Frequent handwashing is also recommended. In addition, many locations have set up sanitation stations to make it possible for family members to easily reduce the spread of germs.
  • Outdoor events, when possible, may also be an option. Instead of a family gathering and meal after a funeral indoors, hosting one outside may help to reduce some of the risks.
  • Skipping the in-person wake and having a graveside service is another option. These may be longer than traditional graveside services, but they may help to give loved ones a chance to come together outdoors where the risks are lower.

From live-streamed services to the use of outdoor events, funeral planning is significantly different right now. Yet, it is still possible to have a meaningful way to say goodbye in many cases.

There’s No Need to Wait

                             Time For a Funeral

Some people early on in the pandemic made the decision to postpone funeral arrangements until a later date. It is still possible to do this. However, it’s not necessary and such delays are usually not a good idea when survivors need a place to start. There are steps funeral homes can take to ensure that individuals who have died are not a risk to those in attendance. More so, waiting does not provide families with the ability to grieve in the same way.

Having a service in a timely manner is beneficial for many reasons. However, it’s also important to remember that things aren’t going to get better – COVID-19 and other health risks may continue to create some limitations for individuals for years to come. Delaying arrangements to allow for outdoor events may be acceptable, such as for end-of-life celebrations and memorial gatherings. Yet, funerals do not require postponement.

New solutions are becoming more readily available to allow public gatherings in many areas. It’s simply necessary to find new ways to communicate and reach the necessary people. Often, funeral directors have the tools and resources to help plan events like this even when there are numerous circumstances to consider. Unlike the Broadway shows that have temporarily closed, with funerals “the show” must go on.

Does Burial and Cremation Differ Now?

There has been an upward trend in cremation, but this is due to many reasons. It is still safe for people to be buried as it has always been. Even individuals who have passed due to COVID-19 can still be buried following traditional and religious ceremonies. The pandemic should not effect your decision to cremate or bury, both are still open.

However, many people have elected to use cremation as a final disposition. One reason for this is the reduced cost another is many consider cremation more simple. For those dying at a younger age, funeral planning and pre-purchasing plots for burial or space in mausoleums hasn’t been done. Family members may not want or cannot afford to make these purchases when an unexpected death occurs.

Cremation simply fits the desires of many people today as well. The desire to have their ashes scattered is also significant for many people. In fact, it is by far the number 1 final destination for ashes today. They even design cremation urns that are made to scatter the ashes. Biodegradable urns that float and then dissolve to spread the ashes over water. Scattering urns that convert into a memorial birdhouse is actually a thing! Even a hand-held ash scattering cannon dubbed “The Loved One Launcher”.

Should You Scatter Ashes?

Scattering Ashes
             Free At Last!

While many people set out to scatter a loved one’s ashes where they enjoyed spending time or perhaps in a space that is special to them for other reasons, it’s sometimes best to hold onto at least some of those ashes. Unlike a burial plot, when ashes are scattered, it may make it a bit more difficult for some people to visit and reflect on the loss of their loved one. There’s no place to “go” when it comes to needing to pay respects.

Memorial Jewelry Made From Ashes

One of the options available, then, is to use jewelry to hold some of the remaining ashes as well as jewelry made from a loved ones fingerprint.

Thumbprint Jewelry
Jewelry Made      with Fingerprint!

This is an incredible way to allow people to remain close to a loved one. It provides a simple tool to aid in the mourning process without being intrusive. Many families are using jewelry like this to provide several family members with a small amount of a loved one’s ashes. This may be given to siblings, children, or special friends and family members.

What to Do to Plan Your Loved One’s Funeral

As you face the loss of your loved one, know that you can celebrate their life and pay respects to them in meaningful ways. The pandemic may have changed how this happens for many people, but it’s also created opportunities for coming together in new ways.

At the heart of the process is working closely with area funeral directors. These professionals not only have the most up-to-date information regarding limitations on gatherings and other rules, but they also are working with other funeral directors around the country to find new ways to honor people’s wishes and needs in a time of loss.

This may include creating small in-person gatherings, even home funerals are making a comeback. It may include the use of live-streamed services. In some cases, family members may simply prefer a 100 percent virtual memorial celebration. They can work closely with family members to create outdoor events, including those in a backyard, at the gravesite, or even in a park. They may also be able to work with religious leaders to ensure all end-of-life obligations are met.

If you have lost a loved one, know that you have options for honoring their wishes and needs. For example, you can still plan a traditional burial for your loved one, or you may wish to elect the use of cremation if it supports your needs better right now. Remember, too, that these final memorials are meant to support the needs of the living. So, create a memorial that works for your needs.

If you decide to choose options such as cremation, consider the value that cremation urns for scattering ashes, traditional urns, and jewelry for ashes can complement the way you celebrate the life of your loved one.

Helping Your Children Accept the Death of a Grandparent

Grandma Died
Where’s Grandma….Never Forget….Help Hold The Memories 

Helping your children understand what happened to their grandparents can be a bit challenging as kids have a difficult time comprehending the idea of death or the fact that they will never see someone again. At the same time, kids are very tuned to their parent’s feelings, and they can easily tell when something is not right. It is very likely that your children understand that something has happened and will keep asking questions about it. It is important that you stay focused on addressing the issue.

Grandpa DiedGrandparents are very important people in every child’s life. They keep wishing that they can be around them again. No one wants to watch their children going through the pain of facing the loss of death. Everyone intends to help guide the child in understanding what has happened and it is important to know the best ways to accomplish that.

Grandparents can relate well with their grandchildren, and the children enjoy it without the kind of pressure that they get from parents. It is a special relationship that no child wants to lose. At times parents may feel resentment that their children are getting more attention from their grandparents than they recall receiving as kids but need to appreciate what the grandparents have to offer their children.

My Other Gramps

In today’s world children may have multiple sets of parents and grandparents and this kind of diversity can be enriching to everyone if the grandparents lead their grandchildren and accept their lifestyles. However, as families move on with life, some things are inevitable like illness and death. When death happens, as parents it is your role to let the children know what is going on with their grandparents. What parents typically fail to understand is that the truth is less scary than their children’s imaginations. They should not be left out during the grieving process. Let them express their feelings.

It is essential to prepare the kids for funerals and other related rituals in advance both mentally and emotionally. This will benefit them as talking about the lost grandparent at the funeral or paying tribute to them is very helpful. As adults you may wish to continue celebrating the memories of the deceased by maybe planting a tree. You can then tell the children to tend to it so that they can keep the memories close. Below are steps that you can follow in letting the children understand about their grandparent’s death:

  • Avoid trying to use an analogy to make the children feel better. As stated earlier, the truth is less scary than the child’s imaginations. Thus avoid beating around the bush trying to hide the truth from them as it could create more questions for them. By telling them that the grandparent is sleeping, they may start wondering when they are going to wake up.
  • Give them a role. Giving your children an active role can help the child to master strange emotional situation during the funeral service. You can let them sing a song or a poem but give the child a choice to decide if they want to participate.
  • Clarify that they are not coming back. This will eliminate the day to day questions of when is grandpa coming back or I am going to ask grandma to take me on a trip once she is back. Let the children understand that they will not be seeing the deceased grandparent again. Tell them which changes to expect without the presence of the grandparents.
  • Be intelligent and ready to answer their many questions. Don’t lose your temper or show them that you are avoiding their questions. Be bold enough to face them and explain everything in a way that they can understand. It is true adults can get tired of being asked questions by their children as they feel like the queries are irrelevant. The best thing to do is include them in the grieving process.
  • Allow the child to attend the funeral events like the viewing of the body and the memorial services. Tell them what to expect and how to respond to visitors who give their condolences and remind them to be strong. Also, explain about the burial procedure. You can use phrases like ‘there will be a burial at the cemetery where grandpa’s body will be buried underground in a casket, and people might cry since it is a time to say goodbye.’ This will keep them prepared for any unusual things they are likely to witness in the ceremony.
  • Finally, do not hide your tears from them and stop pretending that everything is alright when around them. They should be aware that death is a normal thing and that it will happen to everyone. Let them see that it is okay to mourn the loss of a loved one and that they should express their feelings freely. Talk about your feelings with them so that they can feel comfortable talking about their own feelings as well. You can use phrases like “I know that you are sad and that you miss grandpa, and I am too. We all loved him very much.”

After preparing them mentally, the other thing you need is to find wise and comforting words that help them feel that their grandparents are still with them. Make them feel that although they are invisible, their spirits are still very alive. Use simple terms to avoid making statements that might give conflicting messages to them. Also, allow them time for grief. The child may be going through frustration, sadness or anger after receiving the bad news. Depending on a child’s emotions, others may take more time to heal. Do not rush your children, instead offer your assistance in letting them express their feelings and support them no matter how long it takes. Let the child understand that it is okay to feel what they are feeling and if you feel that the child needs some extra help, you can consider seeking assistance from a therapist to help them cope with the difficult situation.

Never Forget…

Grandparents are and will always remain in our hearts. Let’s make the memories valuable and treasure them forever. Help the children to remember the person. You can tell the kids to have drawings of the grandparents and write what they miss and loved most about them, and that they can hang the picture at their favorite spot somewhere they can look at when they miss them. Remembering the happy moments will help to minimize the grief and activate more positive feelings.

Who Are The Patriot Guard Riders ?

 

patriot-guard-riders-ridingThe Patriot Guard is an organization with its core comprising of motorcycle riders who perform funeral services for our fallen heroes. Most of the members are veterans even though that is not a requirement. You don’t even need to own a motorcycle to be a member. They are a group that is not politically divided and all they need from you is respect for our lost soldiers.

If there is a protest at a funeral, the Patriotic Guard will get between the mourners and the protesters that are raising the signs. They will hold up flags to steer away the protesters from the view of the mourners. Yes, they will gladly do this for you, although I am quite happy to say that this hasn’t occurred on the many missions that I have attended in the company of the PGR.

Funeral Procession

My most recent mission with this patriotic group was during the burial of a soldier who died at the very young age of 20 over in Afghanistan. The boy’s father was really moved by how the service was conducted. He said “If you had known him, this would have been his favorite part”. The pain was unimaginable, keeping in mind that it was a young son gone far too soon.

Patriot Guard RidersWhat does hero mean to you? Since it has many so meanings to different people? Those who like fantasy realm will associate the word hero with the brave character that conquers an attacking army and defends his people. Some will name their favorite artist or athlete. But for me, a hero is the one who ventures out into the danger zone and risks their life to protect the freedom of others.

They PGR don’t care what your political views are or who was on the right or wrong side of the issue. Their main focus is their dedication to paying the last and final respects to our fallen military heroes. My wish is that one day there will be no wars to fight because someone in the past started it. The Patriot Guard Riders does their small part of mending the fences and thanking our heroes.

Reporting from the horse’s mouth…

They are from everywhere and anywhere. What is common to all members of the PGR is their love for motorcycles and their burning desire to shield the mourning families from callous and indifferent acts. It is a diverse unification of riders from all over America that honor and respect those who risked their lives for the safety of our country.

According to Bruce Ballou of Charleston, South Carolina, the Assistant State Captain of the riders, the group honors veterans, first responders, and their families. Their goal is to provide the perfect tribute based upon respect.

There are roughly 255,000 members across this great nation, with chapters in all 50 states and Puerto Rico. 2,700 of the riders reside in South Carolina. But one must take note that this is not a typical club and there are no membership dues collected. Communication is typically via the internet and telephone, and they meet only when they are executing a mission.

How it all began…

The Patriotic Guard Riders started in August 2005, based on American Legion Riders Chapter 136 in Kansas. Their motivation was triggered by seeing fallen soldiers that didn’t have the proper tributes after religious fanatics would storm the funeral and protest. They developed a strategy to stop the activities of the Topeka, Kansas based Westboro Baptist Church that was planning to protest the funeral of Sgt. John Doles in Chelsea, Okla. The Westboro Baptist Church has around 100 members that attend funerals as anti-gay advocates, and they claim that 9/11 was a punishment to America because it condones homosexuality. A documentary film maker, Ellen Frick of Seattle, the Director of Patriotic Guard Rider, witnessed the incident as they held up placards and were yelling “Thank God for dead soldiers”. The same church was also the topic of discussion in Louis Theroux’s 2007 BBC documentary, ‘The Most Hated Family in America’. The riders intervened using legal and nonviolent behavior to limit the planned intrusion by the church members at John’s service. Right then and there, they made a mission statement and became the Patriot Guard Riders in October of 2005.

 

Are you interested in what the group does and want to participate in making sure that there is always an honorable and peaceful tribute for our fallen soldiers? Our customer service rep at Cremation Solutions (Brent Bathon) joined today…..Lets Ride

Register for free at: https://www.patriotguard.org/content.php

Funeral Director Fear and the Big Catch 22

I recently read an excellent article by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD. Alan is a personal hero of mine, a respected author, educator, and a consultant to the funeral industry. He advocates for the value of meaningful funeral experiences in his death education workshops held across North America each year. The article (Click Here)  is excerpted from his workbook for funeral home staffs entitled “Educating the Families You Serve about the WHY of the Funeral.” The article instructs funeral directors to stop being order takers that just do what people tell them they want and instead educate their customers about the value of having meaningful funeral experiences. Sounds simple right? It’s Not!

Funeral Director at LargeAlan explains how the funeral directors true role is to educate families about all of their options so they can make informed choices. I can’t agree more with Alan, especially with today’s funeral-avoiding culture! Many funeral directors are facing off with families that have basically made up their minds and have their heels dug in regarding those savage funeral directors attempts to up-sell them! As an experienced funeral director that’s involved in my industry, I can tell you that one of the biggest fears of my colleagues is them being accused of taking advantage of people’s grief and pressuring them into unnecessary goods and services. In reality funeral directors worst sales people ever! Sure, there are a few bad apples that do just that, but far and wide most funeral directors are terrified of being categorized as one of those vultures preying on the bereaved. The media has taken the stories of the “Bad Apples” and damaged the credibility for good directors that truly care about the real value of funerals.

No Funeral Please!
Uneducated Consumer

It’s almost impossible for funeral directors to explain all of the options to these jaded consumers that have their “no one’s gonna take me to the cleaners” shields up and on HIGH ALERT! It would take an aggressive and razor sharp funeral arranger to convey the many options and the importance of a meaningful funeral ceremony without setting off alarms, flares and arming a battery of Photon Torpedoes. Considering that most funeral directors are timid cowardly types that will avoid confrontation at all costs, we now have full shields up on both sides and get forced back into the order taker role because of the stereotype!

Mr. Funeral Director "Tear Down This Wall"
Mr. Funeral Director “Tear Down This Wall”

This is the “Big Catch 22”. How can we honestly convey the importance of meaningful funeral ceremonies when the media and bad apples have spoiled the waters? No wonder funeral professionals are stressed out of their minds and typically take the low road!

I wish I had an easy remedy for this very real and very widespread catch 22 type problem, but I don’t! I have tried with little success to communicate and explain the options only to make the family even more guarded. However I know there are some exceptional smooth talking funeral professionals out there that have an arsenal of tools that help them explain the many options without inflicting full frontal confrontations!

Funeral Answers
Solutions Please

So please share some methods that are helping you lower the shields of the families you serve and I in turn will gather your tricks of the trade and turn them into an awesome solution via a part two blog post. We are all in this together so let’s help each other and Save The American Funeral! Please no sales tactics, just share the honest communication skills that have been working for you. Please remember that when we are able to successfully communicate the why’s of a funeral and fully educate the consumer…the sales will increase because of the value that will be perceived.

The Beauty of Cremation

Walking The Line

There are so many reasons that more and more people are now choosing cremation. Here are some of the main reasons that half of all deaths now elect cremation as the final disposition.

  • More Economical
  • A Greener Earth Friendly Option
  • Less Time Sensitive (Freedom of Time)
  • Easier, No Cemetery Required
  • Endless Memorialization Options
  • Don’t Want To Take Up Space (Land)
  • Like The Idea Of Scattering Ashes
  • Religious Freedom
    Cremation Growth Rate

Funeral CostCOST: When you get down to the basic cost of a funeral, cremation can be significantly cheaper. The average traditional funeral these days can cost $8,000.00 to $15,000.00 or more. And a basic cremation is $1,000.00 to $2,000.00. Why such a broad range in price? Simple, it depends on who you call! And of course the choices that you make. Over the years, I have noticed something about how the general public describes the cost of a funeral that I would like to clear up right now. I noticed that when people quote the cost of a traditional funeral they tend to group all of the related costs together! For example “Mom’s Funeral Cost $18,00.00”… but the actual funeral costs might have been $8,000.00 and included the cost of a cemetery plot, digging the grave, flying in certain relatives, putting aunt Millie up at the Hilton and a $6,000.00 reception at a catering hall. But when quoting the cost of cremation people tend to just quote the basic cost “Instead of having a funeral Dad was cremated and it only cost $995.00”. They don’t mention the $10,000.00 memorial catering cost at the country club, the band and the travel costs! So this is one reason the difference in Cremation versus a Traditional Funeral seems like a huge difference in cost. In actuality Cremation is just a disposition like burial is a disposition and all the related costs depends on the CHOICES THAT WE MAKE. “The cremation cost $995.00”. The burial including the purchase of the plot and digging the grave might only cost $2,000.00 but people never just quote this cost, they lump it all together with the choices that they make. These are the conversations that really annoy funeral directors and instantly put them on the defense of the funeral costs.

What really annoys this particular funeral director is the general consensus that cremation means there isn’t a funeral. “There’s no funeral…he’s being cremated”! The truth is just the opposite. With cremation you can have any kind of funeral you want, even a traditional funeral! The only real difference is that instead of the body going to the cemetery, it goes to the crematory. Remember that cremation like burial is just the final disposition. The word “Funeral” simply means that the body is present at the funeral service. If you have a service without the body present because it was already buried or cremated then we use the term “Memorial Service” or other phrases like a Celebration of Life or a Going Home Ceremony. But if the body is not there it’s not a funeral.

Green AshesGREEN: The general public perceives cremation as a greener alternative to burial. A traditional burial takes up land permanently. And the chemicals that are used for embalming are cancerous and could leak into the water table. Here in the US an outer concrete burial vault is used and requires the manufacture of 1.6 tons of concrete and steel, leaving a large carbon footprint through the process of manufacturing. The caskets are often made of steel and many are shipped here from China (not green). Wooden caskets that are made from unsustainable sources like mahogany destroy the rain forest. BUT cremation isn’t exactly green either! Cremation involves burning fossil fuels (not green) and can release mercury from dental fillings into the air. What’s really green is called “Green Burial” and is only permitted in a natural burial site. More and more of these types of cemeteries are becoming available. Green burial is a burial in a naturally biodegradable casket or shroud with no embalming and no burial vault in a shallow grave. Green burial is the most natural and greenest disposition of all.

TIME: Because we usually want to get people buried in the ground before they rapidly begin to decompose, a burial requires a time frame of urgency that demands some fast leg work and usually having the funeral with in a week! And if you are Jewish then you’re supposed to have the burial by sundown of the day after death! With cremation you have nothing but time. Of course if you’re going to have public visitation with the body present you are back on a time line. But once the cremation is complete the ashes have no “shelf life” and you can plan a memorial celebration of life at your convenience. (WARNING) There is still such thing as waiting too long. Sometimes to meet the schedules of so many, the services are put off for months. For example, when someone dies in the Fall and the family elects to wait until the Spring and make the services part of the family reunion at the club. TOOOO Long! Remember that funerals are to support the living in their grief and loss. A proper memorial services lays the foundation for the healing to begin, just like a wedding provides a platform of support to the joining of a couple for life. With too much time in-between, the months leading up to the service can create more unnecessary grief for the survivors due to a lack of support.

Easier: Planning a funeral with the disposition of cremation can definitely be easier. You have the freedom of time on your side and don’t have to feel rushed about getting the person in the ground! You don’t have to select a casket, a vault, a cemetery plot, and other related items. You have the time to involve family members in the planning process and hopefully can create a memorable experience that will showcase a life well lived. Hire a certified celebrant and put some thought and time into this once in a lifetime event. You have one chance to do it right, so take your time and plan a Celebration of Life that people can connect with and relate to. This is why I promote Celebrant funerals and not some old 2,000 year old ceremony that an uninformed clergy member throws together! (Insert Name Here). Use the time to write down stories to share, collect pictures for display or better yet turn the pictures into a memorial video. Play the perfect music and serve the food that the deceased would be proud of! There are so many services available through your local funeral home that can add to the memorial ceremony experience, so use the time to learn about them. And do some research via the Internet on how to create a special and memorable memorial event.

Memorial Options: There are so many options available when you choose cremation. Like a Traditional Burial you can still have visitation with the body present for the final goodbyes and support for the family. You can also have an event in just about any public location that you desire. Consider a place that can handle the anticipated number of people who will attend. Choose a place where people are comfortable enough to join in and share a ceremony that will shine a spotlight on the life lived and the many ways that this person has affected the lives and the fabric of life. Use pictures, objects, belongings and stories to help those attending connect. The spirit of the deceased will often convey what would be appropriate for their personal celebration.

Cremation CasketThe money saved by choosing cremation can be used to purchase goods and services that will further personalize the experience of joining together to commemorate a life well lived. First, select a casket. This can be as simple as a cardboard box, a simple wooden box or an ornate cremation casket. They call these things alternative containers and by law you need one for cremation to take place.

If you are having a traditional viewing before the cremation then you should get a casket with a fabric interior that is suitable for public viewing. Most funeral homes rent caskets for this purpose and then a cardboard box is used for the actual cremation.

For the ceremony you can use things like memorial folders or prayer cards and custom programs that follow the services and can then be saved as a memory keepsake. Large photos, custom blankets and a video tribute can add to the memorial service. And a tree seedling or seeds that can be taken home and be planted in memory and will continue the circle of life.

Art Made With Ashes
Glass Art Made With Ashes

Cremation UrnIf an urn is used to hold the ashes, many put it on display at the service on a table or alter that is set with candles and flowers. When selecting an urn you should first know the final disposition of the ashes. Will they be kept at home on display, buried in the cemetery, placed in a niche, or scattered to the winds. Cremation urns are specially designed to suit all of these different destinations. Even floating biodegradable urns for scattering in lakes and oceans. One new style of urn converts into a birdhouse following the scattering of the ashes! With the new “Loved One Launcher” ashes can also be blasted 70 feet into the sky along with confetti and streamers. Talk about going out with a bang! When it comes to ashes there is no right or wrong way… just personal choices and family traditions. Often family members will use small keepsake urns to divide the ashes up between family and friends. These keepsake urns allow those who choose to scatter to retain a small amount of the ashes forever.

Ashes Jewelry
Jewelry To Hold Ashes

Cremation JeAshes inside Jewelrywelry serves a similar purpose and can be worn as a lasting tribute and close connection to the loved one. There is cremation jewelry that has an inner chamber to hold the ashes inside and also cremation jewelry that is custom made with the ashes.

Assorted Cremation Monuments

 

 

Even monuments are made that will hold the ashes inside as an alternative to burial. Some are styled like traditional monuments and many look like natural rocks and boulders that can blend right into the family garden. The advantage of cremation style monuments is that they can be moved as well as serve as a memorial focal point.

Scattering: The decision to scatter ashes is no longer unique. With more than half of all Americans and Canadians now choosing cremation.

Clem's Ash Scattering 2005.09.19 016Scattering is NOW the #1 disposition of cremated remains in the United States and Canada and continues to grow. Funeral professionals are the only ones that aren’t catching on. Most funeral professionals consider scattering a dirty and unprofitable choice of final disposition. They will help you get buried or interred. They will help you create funeral and memorial events. But when the choice is to scatter the ashes, they will help you as far as the door! Some of the more progressive funeral homes now offer special urns for families that choose to scatter the ashes, but that’s about as far as it goes.

Cremation can be an exciting and beautiful way to celebrate the deceased and bring together their friends and family for a positive and memorable experience. It provides an opportunity for the departed to bring together those that they leave behind and touched most during their life well lived. Cremation: it can be more economical; it can be greener; it allows for more time and planning; and it has infinite options only limited by the creativity of the living!

What Funeral Directors Should Worry About Part II

Funeral Director Last month, I asked thousands of Funeral Professionals what they worried about the most. I received a very low response rate, which is typical for funeral professionals as they usually don’t participate in the destiny of their own industry. I did get a general idea of what they worry about. They seem to worry about the day to day challenges of planning a funeral and disposition. To can see their responses (Click Here).  What did surprise me is that no one worries about the actual funeral ceremony itself. They worried about the scheduling and logistics, such as the officiant and the organist showing up. As far as the funeral being a personable and healing experience to those attending…no one seems to worry about this at all! It seems strange to me that people called funeral directors rarely get involved in the funeral ceremony itself. Long ago funeral directors gave that responsibility to the clergy. The general public, driven by an aging boomer generation, no longer see the value of the traditional clergy <insert name here>, and their two thousand year old funeral rituals. Go figure?

No Value FuneralsThe devaluation of the funeral experience is what funeral professionals should be worried about the most. As a funeral director, our greatest contribution should be creating a healing environment where people can come together for a memorable experience. The experience should promote those in attendance to support one another in their grief. The life of the deceased is the star and the overall theme is how that person’s life affected their world and the world of others. Since we have dropped the ball on this aspect of funerals, we have created a snowball effect of new things to worry about such as: Cremation Societies popping up in each and every town; Funeral and event planners working directly with hotels and catering halls because they can do it better themselves; and the price shoppers oh my!

 

 "The New Enemy"

“The New Enemy”

Funeral Directors have created a new enemy by not paying attention to the needs of the families they serve, and their desire to have a positive funeral experience. The new enemy of the funeral is the word “JUST”! As in just cremate me and scatter my ashes in the garden. Just bury me in a plain pine box and have a party in my memory down at the club house. Hospice did such a great job and we already said our goodbyes so we won’t need a funeral service. We joined a cremation society so no funeral home is going to get my money! Does this sound familiar? The good news is that the general public is more spiritual then ever and really do want to have a memorable event. They just don’t want a funeral like the last three that they attended. So I’m not sitting here flapping my lips about the self inflicted gloom and doom of the funeral industry. Instead I will provide a solution. The solution is to take the control of the funeral away from the Clergy! Don’t worry about offending the clergy since they aren’t helping your business. You can still use clergy as required, but we need to take control of the funeral ceremony and become funeral planners instead of merely being the director of logistics. How funerals are experienced and how they make people feel is everything. Your future depends on it so become a part of it! For me the number one solution to the public’s disenchantment of funerals is the use of Certified Funeral Celebrants. They are trained in creating meaningful and personal celebrations of life that will leave those in attendance (your future clients) saying WOW! That’s the kind of funeral I want! There is no better form of advertising than doing “Good Funerals”.

Jeff Staab
Funeral Director/Author Jeff Staab
 As a funeral director with over twenty years of experience, I can tell you that we already have enough to worry about. As I mentioned in the proceeding blog post (What Funeral Directors Worry About), we tend burn out pretty fast as far as professions go. One solution is for funeral home operators to hire high quality non-licensed personnel to manage the everyday details that the Funeral Directors are typically tasked with. That way the Funeral Directors can focus on the big picture of running the funerals and growing the overall reputation of the funeral home, by turning out high quality funerals that people will remember. Unlike Clergy, Funeral Celebrants are trained to work with funeral homes and support the funeral homes that they work with. Funeral homes that are already regularly using and advertising the use of Celebrants have seen their rate of pre-arranged funerals increase by as much as 20%. This is an unexpected bonus and a healthy direction, instead of seeing the shrinking business that so many funeral homes are now experiencing.

 

Creative Funerals

So what I am saying is hire forward thinking-creative minded Funeral Directors that focus on the funeral experience for the client and their family and friends. Disenchanted, unmotivated, and lazy order taking funeral directors with no creativity Need Not Apply! Having strong communication skills and being “A Good Listener” will help to establish a more sharing and involved consumer that will really get the creative juices flowing.

Getting Creative!
Getting Creative!

The funeral home that partners with Celebrants will be growing their brand and will be positively shared by the word of mouth within the community. By the way, word of mouth is now social media and if you aren’t online being involved in the online conversations, then attending all of those Chamber & Rotary meetings is a complete waste of your time and money. If you don’t have the time or the staff at your funeral home to maintain an online social media presence, then you can hire professionals to maintain and grow your funeral homes social network. I would recommend entrusting the team over at Disrupt Media to manage your funeral homes online social reputation and presence.

So how can we do better funerals? That is what Funeral Directors should be worried about! With that in mind, I would love to hear more ideas on how can we create a more memorable and personable funeral experience. Open the flood gates that are holding back your ideas and share!

What Funeral Directors Worry About

In the funeral business, everything is in the details. Unlike a wedding which people often plan for months and sometimes for years, a funeral arrives suddenly and will require some hurried and frantic planning and scheduling. Pre-planning funerals helps but since we can’t always predict or schedule death, many of the details for a funeral or memorial service are quickly arranged by the surviving family members under the guidance of a funeral director. Getting all of the details right rest on the shoulders, mind, experience, and reputation of the funeral director. This is why funeral directors WORRY A LOT!

Funeral Guy
I Hope My Dick Doesn’t Fall Off

For many funeral directors the worry becomes far too much for them to handle. Many funeral directors won’t last more than five years before burning out and seek another profession. It’s not only the worry but also the personal dedication and commitment to a business that is 24 -7-365. It is disruptive to your family and social life. Funeral directors have to arrange and schedule everything in a matter of hours for a major life event! For me personally the 20 years was a bit too long. By then I was drinking like a fish. The chest pains stopped the day after I quit!

I recently asked a group of funeral directors what they worry about the most and here are their responses:

-“Flowers, grave digger, vault company, printers, obituaries, cosmetics, weather, music, ministers, permits, paperwork, families, friends, and just about everything.”

 

-“I would definitely think one of the biggest things we worry about is getting everything perfect and every little detail. Also making sure that the family’s last image of their loved one is one that won’t haunt them.”

 

-“I always worry about what I can do the nights that I’m on call. It seems that we limited ourselves sometimes socially. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had to miss holidays and parties and nights where my friends go out because I’m on call. Granted, that is a selfish thing to worry about. But I don’t think the general public knows about that side of being a funeral director.”

 

-“I worry about my kids dying. I worry about me dying. I worry about when my kids die and the funeral home doesn’t take care of them with dignity. I guess that’s not really relevant for your public info, just sharing.”

-“Will I find a job after my apprenticeship?”

-“What’s to be left in a casket?”

-Aspirator line rupture!

-“Getting paid, scheduling overlap! Will the officiant show up, disease, purge, leakage, restorative art, family feuds, musicians, newspaper deadlines for obits, paperwork delays, permits, pall bearers, and paying my bills.”

-“Cancer causing embalming fumes, needle pricks, tissue gas, and my bad back!”

-“I mostly worry about the family and their complete satisfaction of my service. The reputation of our funeral home and how my life depends on it. Shrinking profits due to the growing trend of direct cremation.”

-“Picking up the wrong body, cremating the wrong body, making a wrong turn leading a funeral procession, catching a disease, the strength of the bottom of these new cheap Chinese caskets as we carry the 300lb dude up the church steps. Hope the handles don’t tear off.”

-“I worry about the fat guy in the bathtub on the second floor and the narrow staircase. The neighbors noticed the mail was building up and then they noticed an unusual smell!”

I hope that when the general public reads this that they will appreciate the dedication and respect that funeral directors across the world provide to the deceased and their family members. It’s not an easy life and demands a personal commitment that many professionals could not begin to comprehend. They help people through one of life’s biggest challenges. Their customers are distraught and demanding. Even people that are normally relaxed and easy going can become sensitized as they grieve. In a business where everything is in the details, absolute perfection can be an extreme challenge. Thank God the funeral directors are experts in getting all of the details just right!

Mass Grief… When The World is at a Loss

“Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here.” — “Hotel California” by Glenn Frey, Don Felder and Don Henley, 1976 (“Record of the Year”)

Rock Stars DeadDavid Bowie! Scott Weiland! Glenn Frey! Lemmy Kilmister! Paul Kantner! Dale Griffin (from Mott the Hoople)! What a couple of weeks this has been! It seems as if all of the Rock stars of our youth are dying all of a sudden. I did not know a single one of them, but it’s been a tough time for me nonetheless! I’m living proof of what is commonly called mass grief. Music is such a big part of my life and when someone like David Bowie dies, a man whose art has influenced or been the anthem to so many parts of my life, I truly feel the pain of loss. It’s a deeply personal feeling, even though I never met the man. I know that I’m not alone, that I share my pain with millions of other fans.

What is mass grief?

Death in Our Eyes
When We All Stare Death in The Eye

Mass grief is not a new phenomenon. Which of us raised in the 1960s cannot tell you exactly where we were and what we were doing when President Kennedy was shot, or more recently, when Princess Diana was killed? Though we’d never met these people, they still had a big impact on our lives and how we viewed the world. While more than 2,000 Americans die on an average day, it is these larger-than-life musicians, actors, politicians and celebrities that tug at our hearts.

So intense was the grief following Princess Diana’s death that the phenomenon of mass grief has taken the moniker, the “Diana Syndrome.” These feelings of grief, sometimes also called “mourning sickness,” are very real and very common. In our 24/7 mass media news society, it’s easy to feel like we know celebrities personally since we see and read about their daily activities. Sometimes, we know more about these celebrities than we do members of our own extended family. It is no wonder that we mourn their passing?

Rock FuneralsAnother aspect of mass grief is that it brings to mind our own mortality. If a larger-than-life person like David Bowie or Princess Diana can die, we realize it could happen to us, too. While we all understand that death is inevitable, most people prefer to push that fact well away from their daily thoughts. A celebrity death takes that basic part of life out of the closet and forces us to examine it a little too closely. In addition, while those closest to the celebrity can witness that person’s decline and start preparing for their death, fans are often caught unaware. The celebrity’s death is often the first indication that fans have that the person was even ill. That was the case with all of the deaths these past few weeks.

Funeral FlowersMass grief manifests itself in a number of ways. Make-shift memorials pop up outside the celebrity’s home or near other locations that were important to that person. People leave flowers, candles, personal notes and other mementoes, the same type of items they would send to a funeral of a friend or family member. The memorial for Princess Diana outside of her home, Kensington Palace, extended for several city blocks and grew taller than a man. Those in London at the time reported that the entire city smelled like a florist shop.

Mass grief also leads people to post memorials on social media sites like Facebook and Twitter. Millions of posts about David Bowie’s passing and his life started appearing within minutes of the news of his death.

There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re feeling grief over the passing of someone you’ve never met, such as a musician or movie star. Everyone experiences grief in a unique way. According to David Kaplan, chief professional officer of the American Counseling Association, “there’s no one ‘right’ way to grieve.” Just because you’re mourning a person whom you’ve never met doesn’t make those feelings any less valid. Kaplan goes on to explain that people “have a tendency to compartmentalize grief and say that we should grieve a certain way depending on the person. But grief is grief and people act in very individual ways.” In many ways, the term “mass grief” is a misnomer. This type of grief can be as poignant, as personal, as individual and as deeply-seeded as any other type of grief.

As for the naysayers, grief experts, including Kaplan, advise ignoring them. For some reason, people who would never think of going to a funeral and belittling the people attending the ceremony for their expressions of grief think nothing of leaving disparaging comments on grieving social media posts about the death of a public figure.

Mass grief also often contains a feeling of loss of control. After all, if David Bowie or Princess Diana or John Lennon was susceptible to cancer, to an auto accident, to random violence…the logic goes, so are we. Not a comfortable thought for most of us.

Why are the deaths of musicians so poignant?

"Music is in Our Souls"
“Music is in Our Souls”

Music provides the backdrop for our lives. Hear a certain song and you’re instantly taken back to the time when you first heard it. Hear the song that was playing when you first met your spouse or attended your first prom or sang your first lullaby to your child and you relive the emotions of that earlier, special time. Popular music has a way of finding its way into our souls. Consider the soundtracks to popular movies and the emotions they evoke. Music changes the way we feel about ourselves, the way we view our relationships with others and even our opinions. The lyrics of talented songwriters, such as Frey and Bowie, help to articulate our feelings when we, less talented mortals, are unable to. How many times have you felt that a song was written with your specific life situation in mind? Such experiences create a deep personal bond with the songwriter and musician. Is it any wonder that we mourn?

When a musician dies, we not only lose the person, but we feel the loss of songs that will never be written, albums that will never be released and concerts that we’ll never be able to attend. That body of work we previously saw extending for years and years in the future is suddenly finite. To realize that we’ve already heard all of the songs that a favorite artist will produce is reason alone to grieve.

Saying goodbye to fans

dead-fair-thee-wellSome artists recognize the impact their music has had on fans and, when they know they are dying, plan for that final farewell. David Bowie knew his time was limited. He also understood how our society diminishes the dying. Instead of succumbing to that standard, he kept his illness private and worked on leaving a final, parting set of tracks as a goodbye to his fans and, perhaps, to help further the discussion about end-of-life choices. That he, at such a deeply personal time, would be thinking of his fans shows that, at least for Bowie, that the relationship between artist and listener is not just a one-way street.

Sometimes public figures are buried with a massive funeral and burial rite. Look at Princess Diana’s service at Westminster Abbey that was attended by hundreds inside the church and thousands just outside. More often, there is no official final rite or that service is (understandably) limited to just family and very close friends. Because of that void, often other performers jump in to put on memorial concerts or other events to help fans work through their grief. For instance, although there is no public funeral for David Bowie, his fellow musicians are hosting a memorial concert at Carnegie Hall on March 31 and April 1. Among the performers slated to appear are Cyndi Lauper, Ann Wilson (of Heart) and Jakob Dylan. Carnegie Hall is a fitting venue for the Bowie tribute as it was one of the stops on Bowie’s first U.S. tour in 1972.

When a Concert is a Funeral For a Band!
When a Concert is a Funeral For a Band!

In other cases, artists release a final album as their own tribute or gift to their fans. This is what Mr Bowie did releasing the album, “Blackstar” just three days before his passing. Another good example is Warren Zevon’s final album, “My Ride is Here.” Like funerals, these final works of art are a final gift to survivors, a way to help fans process their grief.

You can even say that when a band breaks up, the emotions felt are similar to a death. How many people are still grieving the breakup of the Beatles or the Grateful Dead? Aware of this, many artists plan a final tour or last big concert to punctuate the end of their era as a band and help fans get over the void left by the members going their separate ways. A good example is when “The Band” played their final “Last Waltz” concerts or the Grateful Dead, always more of a performance band than a studio band, spent their last summer together touring the United States.

Tips for dealing with mass grief

In many ways, dealing with mass grief is no different from dealing with the grief of losing someone who was a close friend or family member.

1. Don’t discount your feelings. As we mentioned above, don’t dismiss your feelings of sadness and grief simply because you never met the person who died. Experts recommend examining the emotions that the death of a celebrity evoke in you.

2. Seek professional help if needed. Grief is a natural process. However, when sadness gets in the way of your day-to-day responsibilities and enjoyment of life, it’s time to seek help…even for mass grief. This is especially true in cases where the celebrity took his or her own life. Studies have shown that a celebrity suicide increases the risk of self-harm in others.

3. Find an outlet for your feelings. Keeping your feelings of grief over a celebrity’s passing to yourself only succeeds in prolonging the intensity of that grief. Better to share your feelings with others, in person, via social media or by calling a grief hotline in your area. Witness the thousands of people who shared their favorite Bowie song via Facebook in the days following his passing. You might even want to organize your own mini-memorial with friends, such as a watch party of a dead actor’s top films or a listening party of your favorite albums from a dead musician.

4. Look for tangible reminders of the celebrity. Another way to process the grief over the death of a celebrity is to seek some tangible reminders of that person’s work. That’s one of the reasons that music, books and memorabilia of a recently-dead celebrity often experience a huge surge in sales. Listening to or reading about the life of the deceased can help you to clarify your feelings about their death.

The bottom line

Black StarUltimately, grief at a celebrity’s passing is natural, especially the death of someone who has been covered extensively in the news and social media. Although we’ve never met him or her, we understandably feel a kinship towards at least their public personna. Such grief requires processing. Kudos to artists like Bowie who make that process a little easier by leaving a “final act” like “Blackstar.”

Bowie once said, “I think aging (sic) is an extraordinary process whereby you become the person that you always should have been.” …to which we respond, “YES!”

Living Funerals…The Party of a Lifetime

You'll Never Know
You’ll Never Know What They Said About You

When most people think of funerals, they think of family and friends standing around a casket, dressed in black, with tissues in their hands, feeling bad about what they might have said or failed to say to the person who died while he or she was living. Certainly, the majority of end-of-life events include some sort of memorial service. However, there is a growing trend towards celebrating a person’s life with a living funeral.

What is a living funeral?

A living funeral, also called a life celebration, is a chance to rejoice in a person’s life while they are still around to share your stories and enjoy the gathering of friends and family. Such an event can be as simple as an afternoon tea for those closest to you or as elaborate as a big, society wedding reception. Unlike traditional funerals time will be on your side and you will be able to take the time to carefully plan an appropriate final act. Living funerals also allow the guest of honor to be involved in the planning as well as experience the love and support of those their lives.

One of the most poignant and talked about holiday commercials this season comes from Germany and shows an aging grandfather putting out the word of his own (premature) demise after being told by various family members that they don’t have time to travel to see him for a holiday dinner. When the family DOES gather for his supposed funeral, he surprises them by being alive and hosting that dinner they were all too busy to attend. When asked why he pulled such a stunt, he replied that it was the only way for him to get everyone together. The last frame shows them all eating and enjoying one another’s company. Such is the logic of a living funeral.

Watch the commercial here.

Others will remember the book “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom (and the Oprah Winfrey-produced movie by the same name.) In this real-life story, Morrie Schwartz, who was in his 80s and dying from Lou Gehrig’s disease, attends a friend’s funeral and is saddened to realize that his friend will never get to hear all of the nice thing people are saying about him or hear their stories. When Morrie returns home, he starts planning his own living funeral, complete with a gospel choir.

My friend Ray

My first experience with a living funeral was in June 2012 when my good friend Ray invited me to his “Birthday Party.” Ray was battling cancer, and I’m pretty sure he knew it was going to be his last birthday party. Ray had never heard of a living funeral. However, he knew that he wanted to have a party with all his friends and this was his way of doing it. He rented a pavilion in our hometown park in Oyster Bay, New York. He hired a great band band. (Ray loved live music). He called the caterers and he had the grills going with some of his favorite foods. It was great, far better then any funeral could have been! Yet, in a very real way, it WAS Ray’s funeral, his goodbye present to us.

There was no formal ceremony at Ray’s “birthday party” except for a couple announcements and, of course, the happy birthday song that made it hard for me to hold back my tears. (I wasn’t alone.) Ray brought out years of scrap books and shared some stories with us.

Ray in His Element
Ray in His Element

I had to laugh when I noticed Ray surrounded by girl friends including his wife Deb all huddled together, looking at pictures. Ray looked up at me and gave me that “yep I’m the man look.” (Ray was a stud). Shortly after the party health permitting Ray took some trips and experienced as much life and friendships as he could. I gave him a good book on funeral planning that day and offered my experience. Looking back, I think he already had made his funeral plans and he never mentioned the book. His wife didn’t even know about it. Funeral planning may be my profession, but Ray was way ahead of me.

Planning your living funeral

There are many different ways you can host a living funeral. In fact, there’s really NO wrong way to do it. You can sneak it in, disguised as another type of event like Ray did, or you can call it exactly what it is–a chance to say goodbye and celebrate a life well lived.

A living funeral doesn’t have to replace a traditional funeral and it probably shouldn’t. They both serve separate purposes. Even after a great living funeral, there is still a need for ceremony, ritual, closure and to say one last goodbye. Ray died later that same year we had gathered for the birthday party, and he had a pretty good traditional funeral as well, although it was a lot sadder than the birthday party. After the funeral, we all went to the restaurant Ray had picked and he threw us one last party on him.

Timing is Everything
Timing is Everything

1. Choosing the right time. Choosing the right time to have a living funeral can be a little tricky. Ideally, you want the guest of honor to be healthy enough physically and mentally to understand and enjoy the event. However, you don’t want it to be like celebrity autobiographies, where you have a new one every five or ten years. If a person is old enough or infirm enough that his or her life expectancy is uncertain, celebrating now is a good idea.

2. Finding a good location. Like a wedding or a graduation party, you want to find a place that is meaningful to the guest of honor, can accommodate the number of people you expect to attend and be appropriate for the weather. Unlike traditional funerals, there are no taboos to living funeral locales. Beaches, amusement parks, theaters, ball parks, party centers, parks, even bars are all acceptable venues.

3. Who should officiate? If you are going to have a ceremony, where friends and family share their favorite stories about the guest of honor, you may want to have someone officiate to keep the pace going smoothly and to add some structure. Since a living funeral isn’t a church rite, you don’t have to have a priest, minister or rabbi (although you could.) One popular trend in living funerals is to hire a celebrant to officiate. In the popular vernacular, a celebrant is someone who following an interview process, writes and officiates at a non-religious funeral or memorial ceremonies. In most funerals that use a celebrant (instead of a member of the clergy), the emphasis of the ceremony is on the person, his or her life and his or her achievements without the scriptures, homilies and communion associated with a religious ceremony. Such a format is naturally well-suited for a living funeral.

4. Should you have a ceremony? The choice to have a formal ceremony at the living funeral is a personal one. The event can be a glorified party, as was Ray’s birthday bash, or be a more solemn affair, as you might have for an octogenarian like Morrie Schwartz, with friends and family members sharing their favorite memories and anecdotes. It’s unlikely that any two living funerals will ever be alike.

Funeral Food5. What about food? Food is optional at a living funeral, but sharing even desserts or a light meal can help to put people at ease. If you don’t want the expense of a caterer, it’s appropriate to ask those attending to bring a dish they’ve made for the guest of honor or to simply bake (or buy) a plate of cookies. Obviously, the time of year and the venue will also influence your decisions about food. “Breaking bread” is a time-honored way for friends and family to stay close.

6. Picking appropriate music. Music, too, is optional, but can I highly recommend it to help set the tone and mood of the event. Choosing the guest of honor’s favorite band or genre of music is never wrong. You can also bring in local musicians, such as a bluegrass trio or classical quartet. If you are having a formal ceremony, a soloist can be used to break up the speakers.

Some Ideas For Sharing Your Life

  • Things to put on display like: Photos or a memorial video with highlights of life, Family tree graphic, Diplomas, Awards or trophies, uniforms resumes and titles held.
  • Hobbies stuff, Sport memorabilia, Projects and creations like art.
  • Invitations, Who will officiate, Speakers, organizers, ushers, program handouts, musicians or DJ.
  • Decor, seating, tables, restrooms, parking, handicap access and assistance, the influence of weather on your selected location.

 

Getting started with your living funeral

Living FuneralYou don’t have to be a skilled party planner to organize an enjoyable and memorable living funeral. Increasingly, traditional funeral directors are offering these types of events as well as their traditional funeral services. Hospice facilities are also embracing the concept of living funerals as part of their breath of services that aid in the transition between life and death. Hospice workers know that terminal illnesses often isolate people from their usual social contacts and routines. A good ritual, especially one centered around that person like a living funeral, can help to shatter that isolated feeling. Far from being depressing, a living funeral can actually help a sick person feel more connected to his or her friends. Like any funeral or memorial, a living funeral is truly an unselfish gift that is very important to the one’s we love. This is also an opportunity to showcase your loves, frame your life and cement your legacy!

My friend Ray was the most generous and thoughtful person I have ever met. I am virtually certain that he had never heard the term “living funeral” when he planned his birthday party. However, he didn’t need to know about “living funerals” to know that he (and his friends) needed one. He just did what he always did and thought about the needs of the people closest to him. That was Ray, he had good instincts. I dedicate this article to my good friend Ray Sullivan… Miss You Buddy.

New Years Resolution For Funeral Directors… Listen!

Funeral Planning
Stating The Options is Not Listening

Most funeral directors know that one of the most important traits that someone in the funeral industry can possess is being a good listener. The problem is that most of us are so busy talking that we forget to really engage in listening. However, superior listening skills are essential to being a good, effective and compassionate funeral director. At a time when grief hampers the communication skills of most clients, being able to determine what a person is truly saying and truly wants is crucial. There is a lot of information being shared when funeral arrangements are being made. We need to not only be good listeners but also be able to create a trusting environment that stimulates the important conversations that need to take place. Fortunately, good listening skills can be learned.

The basics of good listening skills

ListeningBeing an effective listener is a skill, just like reading or writing good letters. Some of the tenets of being a good listener include…

1. Assume everyone has something interesting to say. Everyone who is truly speaking from their heart has interesting and thought-provoking things to share, maintains Nancy Kline in her book, “Time to Think.” Throw aside any assumptions or pre-conceived opinions based on a person’s dress, age or address.

2. Create conditions that are right for listening…and sharing. The best conditions for sharing information (and for listening) are situations where there is little tension. Such spaces are quiet, gentle and unhurried. For funeral directors and their staff, this means creating a peaceful oasis where you can meet clients as well as leaving your phone and other electronic devices behind in your office. You might also want to have soothing music playing and a calm décor, even a scented candle burning can help. Allow more time than you think you might need. You don’t want to be fidgeting or looking at your watch while you are trying to listen. These actions all hinder good listening and good sharing. The family you are serving should feel like they only family you are serving when handling funeral arrangments.

Pay Attention3. Pay attention. This may sound obvious, but too many times we are busy thinking about what we have to do next or what we are going to say in return that we miss a large part of what a person is saying to us. On average, only 20 percent of what we hear makes it into our short term memory! No wonder effective communication is so tricky.

Another interesting thing happens when we pay attention, according to Kline–the person speaking enunciates more clearly and organizes his or her thoughts more succinctly. In short, the better we listen, the better they speak and the better we communicate. The logic is simple; when our thoughts wander and we pay poor attention, the speaker starts to feel like they aren’t valued and what they are saying isn’t important. They become self-conscious, hampering their communication skills. In the funeral industry, where many of the people we speak with are already stressed by grief, paying attention is especially important.

Paying attention also means no interrupting and not finishing the other person’s sentences. As a funeral director, it also means waiting until the person has finished what they intended to say before offering advice. Be prepared to ask pointed questions and converse about everyday things that will open doors that might not otherwise open. Many people are usually private about their family and loved one’s. Building trust and getting people to understand that to make a funeral as special and unique as the life lived, we need and have this one chance to make a funeral personal. Too often, we are tempted to pigeon-hole a client into a funeral plan we’ve used many times before…whether or not that’s what the client wants. Today more then ever the easy way is not the way when it comes to meaningful funerals. Using the services of a certified funeral Celebrant will also help create a more personalized and meaningful funeral or memorial, because Celebrants are more trained to draw out and capture the kind of information that can be used in a more personal ceremony. Clergy does not usually use such an extensive interview process and some do not meet with the family at all. It just kills me when the clergy will read the obituary as part of the ceremony (Huge Fail).

4. Don’t think for the speaker. Helping people doesn’t always mean thinking for them. You might assume that since you are the funeral expert and they are coming to you for help that it’s up to you to decide what’s best for them. A better plan of action is to hear them out. Often customers will tell you what the best solution to their perceived problems are if you wait for them to finish talking and not jump right in with your perfect “solution.” In general, advises Kline, people are more apt to be happy with the outcome if they arrive at the solution themselves than when you tell them what they should do.

Are women better listeners?

Women Funeral DirectorsPop culture has maintained for years that women are better listeners than men. How many jokes have you heard where the wife exclaims, “You just don’t listen to me” to her husband? There is actually some valid science behind this claim. It seems that men and women process language and communication differently. Men listen with half of their brain, while women engage their entire brain while listening. The jury is out whether that finding makes women better at listening. However, if you have a female on your staff, you might want to include adding interviews with prospective clients to her job description. According to at least one study, women ARE more empathetic than men.

Listening to the generations

The listening skills that have worked well for you over the years in your business may not be the ones that will serve you well in the future. Increasingly, we are dealing with members of the large baby boomer generation as their elderly parents begin to pass away. Soon, it will be their children (and grandchildren) with whom will be talking about end-of-life arrangements. These younger clients are more direct and less patient, in general, and will require us to have additional listening skills to be the best funeral service providers we can be.

  • Listening to Baby Boomers. The Baby Boomer generation (those born between 1946 and 1964) are currently in the midst of making end-of-life arrangements for their parents as well as pre-planning their own funerals. This is an independent generation who are used to doing things their own way. They want funerals to be more personalized, to be more life celebrations and less somber affairs. This generation is more apt to break the traditional funeral “norms” and opt for things like contemporary music, a celebrant instead of a priest and a beach setting instead of a church. This group is also embracing more enthusiastically the concept of pre-planning their own funerals. With more than 76 million Baby Boomers in the United States (one quarter of the US population), this could become a very lucrative market for those in the funeral industry. Given this generation’s need for customization, good listening skills will be more important than ever.
  • Listening to Millennials. Millennials are those born in the 1980s through the early 21st century. In many cases, these are the children of Baby Boomers. Unlike their parents, these consumers are much more technology-oriented. For funeral directors, that may mean being able to communicate with them via Skype or Facetime rather than in person. This group is also more likely to prefer texts to phone calls. However, changing the technology doesn’t mean that you can stop listening. You just have to adjust your approach to make them feel the most comfortable. One additional caveat about this group: ignore them at your peril. While taking the wrong approach or not listening to a Baby Boomer may lose you a client, ignoring a Millennial will also lose you their friends and their social contacts. This generation is much more social and much more willing to share their positive (and negative) experiences than their parents.

The bottom line

As we approach the end of the year and the beginning of 2016, now is a great time to evaluate your listening skills and see where there might be room for improvement. As our clientele shifts to include younger generations, the future of our businesses may just depend on it.

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