How To Be More Compassionate Over The Telephone

“Our human compassion binds us the one to the other – not in pity or patronizingly, but as human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope for the future.” – Nelson Mandela

Feelings of CompassionA telephone call is usually the first point of contact for funeral directors, hospice workers, and other professionals involved in making final arrangements for the deceased. Bereaved friends and family members make the critical telephone calls reaching out for help in the hours following the passing of their loved one. They are seeking help, compassion, and support from those that are tasked with dealing with death – all things that can be very difficult to convey over the telephone.

If you are one of the countless professionals and volunteers that are tasked with helping others navigate the complex, emotional, and often stressful journey of end of life and death care, then these situations are all too familiar.

At best, these telephone calls can be pleasant and casual, but more often than not, they are among the most difficult conversations that you will ever be involved with. Adding to the challenge is the fact that these telephone calls tend to come at the worst possible times – during your kid’s little league game, while you’re out on a Tinder date, or after you’ve enjoyed one too many martinis.

Despite your best intentions, communicating clearly and with compassion can sometimes be difficult which ends up leaving the caller with the impression that you’re cold, uncaring, and completely unsympathetic to their situation.

It’s Not You – It’s The Telephone

Death First Call
Make Every Call The Most Important Call

If this sounds familiar, don’t get down on yourself – trying to make a real, human connection over the telephone is incredibly difficult, even for the most seasoned professionals. After all, speaking with a grief-filled stranger is challenging in person – adding the barriers that come with talking on the telephone make what’s already a tough situation even worse.

While the telephone is a wonderful technology, it has some serious shortcomings – you can’t actually see the caller, so you miss out on all of those critical visual cues that make up a huge part of human communication.

There’s also the chance that you’ll also be dealing with a language barrier between you and your caller, which makes having a clear conversation all the more difficult during these times of grief. Of course, there’s now the added issue of poor cell phone reception, garbled speaker phones, and three-way calling to make the conversation even more difficult.

After all of this, it’s no wonder that many funeral directors, hospice workers, nurses, and others who people turn to for help during the dying process sometimes come off as being ‘cold’ and lacking in compassion over the telephone – you can’t give the caller a reassuring nod, a comforting hand on their shoulder, or pass them a box of tissues. Even the warmest, and most loving human beings can seem uncaring during a telephone call.

On the upside, with a little practice and work you can actually improve how you communicate over the phone and learn the skills and techniques it takes to reveal the compassionate, supportive person you are to a stranger that is on the other end of the line.

Here’s some simple steps you can take to communicate genuine compassion over the telephone:

Pay Attention and Listen

Learn To Listen (Click Here)

Sure, it sounds obvious, but think about what you usually do while talking on the phone. Chances are good that you see your telephone time as an opportunity to multi-task – you might be in the habit of straightening up your desk while you chat, checking your social media feed, or catching up on your emails.

You might even believe that your caller doesn’t know you’re multi-tasking because they can’t see you, right?

Wrong.

Callers can sense if you are giving them your full attention – it’s a critical part of being compassionate. Really listening to someone lets them know you that really care about them, understand their challenges, and want to help.

Leave the multi-tasking for later – give the caller your full attention right now – and they’ll appreciate it.

Speak Slowly and Clearly

Have you ever noticed that people who are stressed out don’t seem to listen very well? So have many scientists, and there are now a number of studies that confirm the link between stress and actual measurable hearing loss.

Some people actually experience temporary deafness and/or tinnitus (ringing in the ears) when dealing with a stressful life event such as the passing of a loved one, making it critical to speak clearly and slowly when on the phone with a grieving caller.

Take the time to speak slowly and clearly to give your caller a chance to actually hear what you have to say. Resist the urge to raise your voice though – increasing the volume of your voice could backfire and give your caller the impression that you’re annoyed, angry, or impatient.

Ask Questions

Asking your caller specific questions lets them know that you are really paying attention, and that you care about them personally. Remember, the telephone phone is all about two-way communication, so take this opportunity to learn about your caller, understand their needs, and get to know what you can do to help them.

Don’t Overwhelm With Information

Information Overload !

Remember that “a phone call is a dialogue, not a monologue”.

Giving your caller too much information during a call can come across as cold and sales-orientated – the exact opposite of compassionate. Try to keep specific information to a minimum – you can get into all the details during a face-to-face meeting, a follow-up telephone call, or over email.

Don’t Make Assumptions

Everyone reacts to death and dying differently, and quite frankly it’s not always a sad situation for the survivors. Don’t assume that the caller is upset, and avoid imposing this expectation with statements like “you must be sad”, “this must be so difficult for your family”. These type of ‘canned’ responses are ok if the caller is clearly upset, otherwise, assuming a person is experiencing a particular emotion can come across as cold, uncaring, and even insensitive.

Wondering What To Say? Here’s Some Suggestions

Validate Uncomfortable Feelings

Giving a grieving person permission to feel sad, angry, upset, or even relieved can go a long way towards communicating compassion. Simply saying “it’s ok to cry” can break down barriers and solidify your position as a trusted person in times of grief.

Ask How You Can Help

A simple, open-ended question such as “How can I help?” is a powerful way to let someone know that you truly care about them, their feelings, and their needs, while avoiding any assumptions about the kind of support the caller wants.

Acknowledge Your Own Feelings

Don’t try to over-empathize with statements like “I know how you feel” – instead, try saying something like “I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can”.

Compassion Helps Both The Giver and Reciever

Remember, always speak slowly, listen closely, and take a caring, compassionate tone with your callers. They’re counting on you to help them navigate a major event in their lives. Focus on being compassionate on the telephone. You can have the power to help people gain the necessary trust in you, so that you can then ask the questions that you need answered. People are going out on a limb when they call on a stranger for help. Being there is important but over the telephone you need to TELL them that you are here for them and care about their needs.

Helping Your Children Accept the Death of a Grandparent

Grandma Died
Where’s Grandma….Never Forget….Help Hold The Memories 

Helping your children understand what happened to their grandparents can be a bit challenging as kids have a difficult time comprehending the idea of death or the fact that they will never see someone again. At the same time, kids are very tuned to their parent’s feelings, and they can easily tell when something is not right. It is very likely that your children understand that something has happened and will keep asking questions about it. It is important that you stay focused on addressing the issue.

Grandpa DiedGrandparents are very important people in every child’s life. They keep wishing that they can be around them again. No one wants to watch their children going through the pain of facing the loss of death. Everyone intends to help guide the child in understanding what has happened and it is important to know the best ways to accomplish that.

Grandparents can relate well with their grandchildren, and the children enjoy it without the kind of pressure that they get from parents. It is a special relationship that no child wants to lose. At times parents may feel resentment that their children are getting more attention from their grandparents than they recall receiving as kids but need to appreciate what the grandparents have to offer their children.

My Other Gramps

In today’s world children may have multiple sets of parents and grandparents and this kind of diversity can be enriching to everyone if the grandparents lead their grandchildren and accept their lifestyles. However, as families move on with life, some things are inevitable like illness and death. When death happens, as parents it is your role to let the children know what is going on with their grandparents. What parents typically fail to understand is that the truth is less scary than their children’s imaginations. They should not be left out during the grieving process. Let them express their feelings.

It is essential to prepare the kids for funerals and other related rituals in advance both mentally and emotionally. This will benefit them as talking about the lost grandparent at the funeral or paying tribute to them is very helpful. As adults you may wish to continue celebrating the memories of the deceased by maybe planting a tree. You can then tell the children to tend to it so that they can keep the memories close. Below are steps that you can follow in letting the children understand about their grandparent’s death:

  • Avoid trying to use an analogy to make the children feel better. As stated earlier, the truth is less scary than the child’s imaginations. Thus avoid beating around the bush trying to hide the truth from them as it could create more questions for them. By telling them that the grandparent is sleeping, they may start wondering when they are going to wake up.
  • Give them a role. Giving your children an active role can help the child to master strange emotional situation during the funeral service. You can let them sing a song or a poem but give the child a choice to decide if they want to participate.
  • Clarify that they are not coming back. This will eliminate the day to day questions of when is grandpa coming back or I am going to ask grandma to take me on a trip once she is back. Let the children understand that they will not be seeing the deceased grandparent again. Tell them which changes to expect without the presence of the grandparents.
  • Be intelligent and ready to answer their many questions. Don’t lose your temper or show them that you are avoiding their questions. Be bold enough to face them and explain everything in a way that they can understand. It is true adults can get tired of being asked questions by their children as they feel like the queries are irrelevant. The best thing to do is include them in the grieving process.
  • Allow the child to attend the funeral events like the viewing of the body and the memorial services. Tell them what to expect and how to respond to visitors who give their condolences and remind them to be strong. Also, explain about the burial procedure. You can use phrases like ‘there will be a burial at the cemetery where grandpa’s body will be buried underground in a casket, and people might cry since it is a time to say goodbye.’ This will keep them prepared for any unusual things they are likely to witness in the ceremony.
  • Finally, do not hide your tears from them and stop pretending that everything is alright when around them. They should be aware that death is a normal thing and that it will happen to everyone. Let them see that it is okay to mourn the loss of a loved one and that they should express their feelings freely. Talk about your feelings with them so that they can feel comfortable talking about their own feelings as well. You can use phrases like “I know that you are sad and that you miss grandpa, and I am too. We all loved him very much.”

After preparing them mentally, the other thing you need is to find wise and comforting words that help them feel that their grandparents are still with them. Make them feel that although they are invisible, their spirits are still very alive. Use simple terms to avoid making statements that might give conflicting messages to them. Also, allow them time for grief. The child may be going through frustration, sadness or anger after receiving the bad news. Depending on a child’s emotions, others may take more time to heal. Do not rush your children, instead offer your assistance in letting them express their feelings and support them no matter how long it takes. Let the child understand that it is okay to feel what they are feeling and if you feel that the child needs some extra help, you can consider seeking assistance from a therapist to help them cope with the difficult situation.

Never Forget…

Grandparents are and will always remain in our hearts. Let’s make the memories valuable and treasure them forever. Help the children to remember the person. You can tell the kids to have drawings of the grandparents and write what they miss and loved most about them, and that they can hang the picture at their favorite spot somewhere they can look at when they miss them. Remembering the happy moments will help to minimize the grief and activate more positive feelings.

Losing A Pet and The Steps to Recovery

Dog FuneralsPet ownership is among the deepest pleasures in life. Whether you’re a cat person, a dog person, or a little bit of both, every household feels fuller with the love and affection of a four-legged family member. Having a loving and caring animal to come home to and play with, cuddle with, and bond with is an amazing thing. It provides an insight into the selfless adoration that many people might not otherwise experience.

Funerals for pets

For all of the good things that pets bring into our lives, their deaths can be a brutal loss. While it’s understood that domestic animals don’t live as long as we humans do, often no more than ten to twenty years, Yet dealing with this fact is far easier said than done. Watching the aging process, accepting the decline, and scheduling the euthanasia if necessary can be more painful than you ever imagined. No matter how prepared you are for your pet to leave this earth, saying goodbye creates a profound sense of loss.

Confronting the Idea of Loss

FAMILY
FAMILY

To most pet owners, pets are family. A dog isn’t “just a dog,” and a cat isn’t “just a cat.” As members of your household you see, touch, and interact with them on a daily basis. It doesn’t take long for a deep and enduring bond to develop. Love for a pet is simple and pure, and losing this can sometimes be harder to handle than the loss of the complex relationships that we develop with other people.

Grief manifests itself in many ways, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel once your pet has passed on. The sadness may strike immediately and or it may come in waves of intense pain or when the world around you triggers a memory. You might cry for a while immediately following death, or cry on and off for days or even weeks. This is all completely okay. There is no wrong way to process the loss of a beloved member of your family. However, in order to move forward in a healthy and happy way it is very important to properly process your grief.

Coping With Death

Coping with a permanent loss is rarely an easy battle. The sadness that comes with death often perpetuates for extended periods of time, long after the initial pain has subsided. This can be especially true for those with deep relationships with their pets, or children who may be experiencing death for the very first time.

How you choose to cope with death and your loss can have a distinct impact on your long term well-being. With the right approach, you can work through your emotions and eventually feel at peace with the cherished memories of your beloved pet.

Take Time to Grieve

Urns For Pet Ashes
My Angel

The moments right after the loss of your pet can be the most difficult. The initial emotions will be intense and can include sorrow, regret, and pain. Some pet owners will feel guilt as well, especially for those who made the decision to put down a sick pet.

All of these feelings are natural and completely appropriate. The loss of a pet is very hard, and it’s okay to let your sadness out. If you need time to cry, be angry, or wallow for a while, that is perfectly fine. Don’t let anyone tell you how to mourn and feel free to grieve in your own way on your own schedule without the worry of embarrassment or judgment.

Share Stories and Thoughts

When your pet dies, their memory continues to live on. If you have a spouse, children, friends, or family who knew your pet, don’t be afraid to take some time to share favorite memories or funny stories with them. Grief doesn’t have to be a solitary event, and letting your feelings out can help you appreciate the joy that your pet added to your life.

Saying Goodbye To a PetThis can be especially helpful for families with children. A pet’s death is often the first experience many children have with the concept of permanent loss, and the experience can be very troubling. Tell your child what happened with plain and clear language, avoiding euphemisms and encourage them to ask as many questions as necessary. If they seem particularly sad, comfort them and urge them to share stories and thoughts to help manage the grieving process. By sharing and remembering the good times, you and your child can bond together over love instead of sadness.

Reach Out

Pet Paw Pictures
Custom Paw Portraits

If you feel as though your grief is overwhelming, outside assistance may be beneficial. Many people feel intense sadness when a pet passes away, so your loss will be easy to understand for countless others. Group therapy can be a benefit, giving you a chance to talk about your pet while listening to stories from others dealing with the same struggles.

For those who choose to grieve privately, an appointment with a therapist or a call to a help line may provide guidance as you work through your feelings. Many clinical psychologists and therapists who specialize in grief are happy to work with individuals that have lost pets. Additionally, the ASPCA maintains a Pet Loss Hotline that can be reached at (877) GRIEF-10.

Honor Your Pet’s Memory

Pet Cremation Jewelry
Jewelry With Ashes Inside

Your pet contributed many years of happy memories and good times, so a proper funeral and memorial can be an excellent way to honor and respect their mark on your life. How you choose to do this is up to you, but some pet owners prefer to maintain an urn, plant a tree over a burial spot, or create a photo album of the many happy moments.

Urn For Pet Ashes
Urns For Pets

If you are seeking a truly special way to keep a part of your pet near your heart, cremation jewelry from Cremation Solutions can give you a beautiful, wearable memorial to remember your departed friend. Available as gemstone jewelry, diamonds, keepsakes, lockets, and more. You can find the perfect solution to honor your pet’s memory. Cremation Solutions also offers cremation urns and monuments, providing the flexibility to create a statement in a way that’s best for you and your family.

Puppy Dog HouseOpening Up Your Heart by getting a new pet can be a point of contention after the loss. Some feel as though immediately bringing home a new kitten or puppy is disrespecting the honor of the fallen family member. While others see it as a way to help the heart to heal. Whether you plan to get a new animal right away or choose to take some time to process the loss, opening your heart to the possibility of a new pet can be a great way to add a bright spot to your life. While nothing can ever replace your beloved family member, providing a loving and wonderful life for a new animal in need can help you find comfort and heal your heart.

Despite the pain of loss, pet ownership is both gratifying and fulfilling. When you want to create an enduring memorial to your cat, dog, or other pet, Cremation Solutions can provide you with the resources that you need to keep a much-loved memory alive forever.

Ideas For Pet Funerals

Funerals For Dogs

Pet parents face some of the most challenging days after their furry family members pass on. If you are one of the many people that is going through this very trying time, know that your grief is understandable and expected. Today, many people view their pets more like children than animals living in their homes. There is nothing wrong with this. However, it is important to recognize just how challenging a time it can be when a loved pet dies. What can you do in these times to get the support you need and make plans for saying goodbye.

Recognize Your Need to Grieve

Miss You...
Miss You…

At the heart of this process is the need for your emotions to run through the grieving process. Every person in your family, even those that may seem to be fine or seem to be unwilling to admit their loss, will need to grieve. The change in your family dynamic is real and it will never be the same. For all of these reasons, pet parents need to first step back and realize that it is okay to cry and mourn the loss. And, second, it is okay to do this together as a family. That can be very helpful to many parents and bring families even closer together.

Paying Homage and Remembering

But, just knowing it is okay to be sad isn’t enough. What else can you do to ensure that this pet, who was the love of your life for a long time, is well remembered and respected in these moments? The good news is there are several things you can do as a family to make sure this happens. Consider these tips and ideas to help you during this time.

Saying Goodbye to PetsFormal Funerals

One of the ways you can respect your pet is by having a true pet funeral. You can include as many people as you would like. You can create a funeral that fits your family’s belief system. You may even be able to get a friend or certified Celebrant to M.C. and share ceremonial words and memories. This can be a formal event, where everyone is invited to attend. Or, it can be much less formal and simply be a few moments where everyone comes together to pray and remember.

For pet funerals, take the time to create a plan in advance. Write down what you want to say and what will happen throughout the timeframe. You’ll want to give each person the ability to say what they need to. The planning for a pet funeral like this can be a very important part of the healing process. It allows you to recognize the death and at the same time do something to help yourself to overcome the loss. Keep the following in mind as you create a simple pet funeral:

  • Invite only those that you know will respect your grief and the way that you feel right now.
  • Start with an opening prayer or a simple song that helps you to set the tone of the room.
  • Gather people around in a circle or hold hands. Make sure everyone is comfortable.
  • Say a few words about why you are here and the importance that this type of event holds for you.
  • Talk about what your pet meant to you. Discuss his or her life and what value he or she brought to your family.
  • Welcome others who are within you to talk about your pet in the same way. Allow them to share whatever is important or valuable to them without any type of judgement.
  • Host a celebration afterward. Bring people together for a meal to talk about your pet and to celebrate their life.
  • Ensure there is a closing prayer or thought said by your or another person there. You want to ensure there is a true closing action to help finalize the way you are feeling.

Customize this type of experience to fit your unique needs and thoughts. There is no wrong way to grieve as a pet parent.

Dog Funerals

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ideas for Remembering and Preserving Thoughts

In most cases, a pet funeral like this isn’t realistic or even desired. Rather, you may want to just find a way to simply share some memories and thoughts about your pet with others who loved him or her. How can you do this? Consider these ideas.

  • Purchase a candle to remember your pet. Whenever you feel alone or in a situation where you just want to remember your pet, light the candle. Watch the flame and remember in peace. It may bring a smile to your face.
  • Create a memorial for your pet. Perhaps you would like to place his or her ashes in a cremation urn on your mantle. You may want to bury your pet in the backyard under a favorite tree. In either case, create a small memento that allows you to touch something and know that your pet was there.
  • Work with a child or a teen who may be hurting significantly to create a memory book. It can be a scrapbook that is filled with pictures and photos. Draw memories out. Write down a story about the pet. Include photos from cell phones and picture albums you have. Creating this type of book can be a key component in the healing process itself. It most definitely will give you a place to always remember your pet.
  • For those who are artistic, the options are many here. You can create a drawing of your pet that you place in an area that’s important to you. You may also want to create a special poem or a meaningful display. No matter what you use from your artistic expression, plan to display it in an area that’s important to you.
  • Plant a tree in your pet’s honor. Instead of focusing on the death of your pet, bring life forward from it. You may wish to do this, for example, near to wear you bury your pet’s ashes. This way, when you look in that direction, you see a beautiful tree instead of just your pet’s headstone.
  • Gather people together for a blessing. You can ask a local minister or someone that is religious to visit your home for a special meal. Ask for a blessing for all that are there. This can be a very important way for you to heal and move forward.
  • Honor your pet with a dedication. You may be able to dedicate a park bench in honor of your pet. You may want to talk to the local parks and recreation office about something you can do at the local dog park your pet visited often. Look for a way to let your pet make a lasting mark in the community.
  • Scatter your pet’s ashes in a meaningful place or keep them at home in a fitting pet cremation urn. Keep in mind that you can scatter ashes anywhere you would like to as long as it is legally allowed. If your pet went with you every weekend on a fishing trip, that may be the ideal place to do this. You may wish to choose a location that is more important to you than it was to your pet.

Again, there is no wrong way to grieve. Take the time to learn from what you are feeling. For example, you may want to simply sit down and think. Think about the way your pet felt. Remember the way he or she smelled. Remember the first time that he or she came into your home. Think about all of the good times you both shared. Doing this simple act of sitting down and reflecting, whether you are alone or you are with your entire family, can really open the door for you to heal.

Family Pet

 

Often times, pet funerals are not thought of as important events, but they very much can be. Holding a pet memorial or ceremony that is right for you and based on your beliefs is healing. Give yourself the time to think, plan, and create a meaningful ceremony or memorial like this for your pet. Most importantly, do what is in your heart. You want to ensure that this event gives you what you need. Generally, that will be a sense that things are going to be okay, a sense of closure, and a feeling of love. Remember what your pet brought to you and how important it was to be a pet parent for him or her.

Pet Paw Pictures
Custom Paw Portraits
Urn For Pet Ashes
Urns For Pets
Jewelry made from a paw print
Silver Pendants Made With Your Pet’s Print
Pet Cremation Jewelry
Cremation Jewelry For Pets

A Message From Mom In Heaven

My dearest child,

Mother in HeavenAs Mother’s Day approaches, I find myself missing you more than ever. It’s been a long time since I last heard the pitter patter of little feet running down the hallway to wake me up with breakfast in bed, felt your sticky kisses on my cheeks, and the enjoyed Mother’s Day brunches with the whole family. I wish I could still hold your homemade cards, read your Kindergarten print words, and spend the day with you wrapped up in my arms. Mother’s Day will always be special, but it means the most when it can be spent with the ones you love. As your mother, I would give anything to spend one more Mother’s Day on earth, by your side.

I Miss You Too Mommy
I Miss You Too Mommy

Heaven may be full of indescribable wonders, but it’s missing the most important thing in life: my beautiful child. I spent the best years of my life raising you, watching you enter the world, guiding you through movement and speech, and saying a heartbreaking goodbye on your first day of school. I watched with tears in my eyes as the bus left every morning, and felt my heart leap into my throat when you came bursting through the door each afternoon. I spent long days in the kitchen baking treats and preparing your favorite meals, and long nights reading stories, fetching glasses of water, and nursing bruises and boo boos. And I didn’t do these things because I had to; I did them because I wanted to, because I wanted to give you every advantage in the world.

After a while, you got older. You stopped wanting snuggles in the morning and cuddles at bedtime. You made friends, developed hobbies, and learned independence. I missed the time we spent together, but I was so proud of the person you were becoming. Your high school graduation, your college degree, you first real job, and your wedding; all of these days were among the happiest of my life.

It was so hard to say goodbye, and I regret every day that I had to leave you. I know that being an adult doesn’t mean being able to live without a parent; it means having to live without one, whether you want to or not. Even when you were old enough to move out, get married, and settle down, there was nothing I wouldn’t have done to make the burdens of adulthood easier for you. I hope I was able to teach you everything you need to thrive in the world rather than to simply survive. I hope I was able to show you how much power love carries with it, and how joyous making sacrifices can be when they are for the sake of someone you love.

If I could have a Mother’s Day wish, it would be to spend one more day with you. I would plan something special for us to celebrate your own parenthood and the amazing person you have become. I would listen to the details of your life, both big and small, sharing in your triumphs and comforting you in your failed attempts. For just one more minute with you, I would do anything.

Mother MonumentPlease know that even though I am gone from the world, I am still with you. I am always watching, celebrating silently when the good things come to pass and rooting for you through the challenges. I am watching my beautiful grandchildren grow and develop, watching your love for your spouse deepen, and hoping with all of my heart that I could experience your life right by your side. I am so proud of everything you have done so far, and every major milestone yet to come.

On this Mother’s Day, I will miss you so much. And when you miss me, remember that I am forever a jewel in your heart. My love, strength, and support will aways be there when you need it most.

Love from heaven,

Your mother

Cremation Jewelry To Hold Ashes

Mass Grief… When The World is at a Loss

“Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here.” — “Hotel California” by Glenn Frey, Don Felder and Don Henley, 1976 (“Record of the Year”)

Rock Stars DeadDavid Bowie! Scott Weiland! Glenn Frey! Lemmy Kilmister! Paul Kantner! Dale Griffin (from Mott the Hoople)! What a couple of weeks this has been! It seems as if all of the Rock stars of our youth are dying all of a sudden. I did not know a single one of them, but it’s been a tough time for me nonetheless! I’m living proof of what is commonly called mass grief. Music is such a big part of my life and when someone like David Bowie dies, a man whose art has influenced or been the anthem to so many parts of my life, I truly feel the pain of loss. It’s a deeply personal feeling, even though I never met the man. I know that I’m not alone, that I share my pain with millions of other fans.

What is mass grief?

Death in Our Eyes
When We All Stare Death in The Eye

Mass grief is not a new phenomenon. Which of us raised in the 1960s cannot tell you exactly where we were and what we were doing when President Kennedy was shot, or more recently, when Princess Diana was killed? Though we’d never met these people, they still had a big impact on our lives and how we viewed the world. While more than 2,000 Americans die on an average day, it is these larger-than-life musicians, actors, politicians and celebrities that tug at our hearts.

So intense was the grief following Princess Diana’s death that the phenomenon of mass grief has taken the moniker, the “Diana Syndrome.” These feelings of grief, sometimes also called “mourning sickness,” are very real and very common. In our 24/7 mass media news society, it’s easy to feel like we know celebrities personally since we see and read about their daily activities. Sometimes, we know more about these celebrities than we do members of our own extended family. It is no wonder that we mourn their passing?

Rock FuneralsAnother aspect of mass grief is that it brings to mind our own mortality. If a larger-than-life person like David Bowie or Princess Diana can die, we realize it could happen to us, too. While we all understand that death is inevitable, most people prefer to push that fact well away from their daily thoughts. A celebrity death takes that basic part of life out of the closet and forces us to examine it a little too closely. In addition, while those closest to the celebrity can witness that person’s decline and start preparing for their death, fans are often caught unaware. The celebrity’s death is often the first indication that fans have that the person was even ill. That was the case with all of the deaths these past few weeks.

Funeral FlowersMass grief manifests itself in a number of ways. Make-shift memorials pop up outside the celebrity’s home or near other locations that were important to that person. People leave flowers, candles, personal notes and other mementoes, the same type of items they would send to a funeral of a friend or family member. The memorial for Princess Diana outside of her home, Kensington Palace, extended for several city blocks and grew taller than a man. Those in London at the time reported that the entire city smelled like a florist shop.

Mass grief also leads people to post memorials on social media sites like Facebook and Twitter. Millions of posts about David Bowie’s passing and his life started appearing within minutes of the news of his death.

There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re feeling grief over the passing of someone you’ve never met, such as a musician or movie star. Everyone experiences grief in a unique way. According to David Kaplan, chief professional officer of the American Counseling Association, “there’s no one ‘right’ way to grieve.” Just because you’re mourning a person whom you’ve never met doesn’t make those feelings any less valid. Kaplan goes on to explain that people “have a tendency to compartmentalize grief and say that we should grieve a certain way depending on the person. But grief is grief and people act in very individual ways.” In many ways, the term “mass grief” is a misnomer. This type of grief can be as poignant, as personal, as individual and as deeply-seeded as any other type of grief.

As for the naysayers, grief experts, including Kaplan, advise ignoring them. For some reason, people who would never think of going to a funeral and belittling the people attending the ceremony for their expressions of grief think nothing of leaving disparaging comments on grieving social media posts about the death of a public figure.

Mass grief also often contains a feeling of loss of control. After all, if David Bowie or Princess Diana or John Lennon was susceptible to cancer, to an auto accident, to random violence…the logic goes, so are we. Not a comfortable thought for most of us.

Why are the deaths of musicians so poignant?

"Music is in Our Souls"
“Music is in Our Souls”

Music provides the backdrop for our lives. Hear a certain song and you’re instantly taken back to the time when you first heard it. Hear the song that was playing when you first met your spouse or attended your first prom or sang your first lullaby to your child and you relive the emotions of that earlier, special time. Popular music has a way of finding its way into our souls. Consider the soundtracks to popular movies and the emotions they evoke. Music changes the way we feel about ourselves, the way we view our relationships with others and even our opinions. The lyrics of talented songwriters, such as Frey and Bowie, help to articulate our feelings when we, less talented mortals, are unable to. How many times have you felt that a song was written with your specific life situation in mind? Such experiences create a deep personal bond with the songwriter and musician. Is it any wonder that we mourn?

When a musician dies, we not only lose the person, but we feel the loss of songs that will never be written, albums that will never be released and concerts that we’ll never be able to attend. That body of work we previously saw extending for years and years in the future is suddenly finite. To realize that we’ve already heard all of the songs that a favorite artist will produce is reason alone to grieve.

Saying goodbye to fans

dead-fair-thee-wellSome artists recognize the impact their music has had on fans and, when they know they are dying, plan for that final farewell. David Bowie knew his time was limited. He also understood how our society diminishes the dying. Instead of succumbing to that standard, he kept his illness private and worked on leaving a final, parting set of tracks as a goodbye to his fans and, perhaps, to help further the discussion about end-of-life choices. That he, at such a deeply personal time, would be thinking of his fans shows that, at least for Bowie, that the relationship between artist and listener is not just a one-way street.

Sometimes public figures are buried with a massive funeral and burial rite. Look at Princess Diana’s service at Westminster Abbey that was attended by hundreds inside the church and thousands just outside. More often, there is no official final rite or that service is (understandably) limited to just family and very close friends. Because of that void, often other performers jump in to put on memorial concerts or other events to help fans work through their grief. For instance, although there is no public funeral for David Bowie, his fellow musicians are hosting a memorial concert at Carnegie Hall on March 31 and April 1. Among the performers slated to appear are Cyndi Lauper, Ann Wilson (of Heart) and Jakob Dylan. Carnegie Hall is a fitting venue for the Bowie tribute as it was one of the stops on Bowie’s first U.S. tour in 1972.

When a Concert is a Funeral For a Band!
When a Concert is a Funeral For a Band!

In other cases, artists release a final album as their own tribute or gift to their fans. This is what Mr Bowie did releasing the album, “Blackstar” just three days before his passing. Another good example is Warren Zevon’s final album, “My Ride is Here.” Like funerals, these final works of art are a final gift to survivors, a way to help fans process their grief.

You can even say that when a band breaks up, the emotions felt are similar to a death. How many people are still grieving the breakup of the Beatles or the Grateful Dead? Aware of this, many artists plan a final tour or last big concert to punctuate the end of their era as a band and help fans get over the void left by the members going their separate ways. A good example is when “The Band” played their final “Last Waltz” concerts or the Grateful Dead, always more of a performance band than a studio band, spent their last summer together touring the United States.

Tips for dealing with mass grief

In many ways, dealing with mass grief is no different from dealing with the grief of losing someone who was a close friend or family member.

1. Don’t discount your feelings. As we mentioned above, don’t dismiss your feelings of sadness and grief simply because you never met the person who died. Experts recommend examining the emotions that the death of a celebrity evoke in you.

2. Seek professional help if needed. Grief is a natural process. However, when sadness gets in the way of your day-to-day responsibilities and enjoyment of life, it’s time to seek help…even for mass grief. This is especially true in cases where the celebrity took his or her own life. Studies have shown that a celebrity suicide increases the risk of self-harm in others.

3. Find an outlet for your feelings. Keeping your feelings of grief over a celebrity’s passing to yourself only succeeds in prolonging the intensity of that grief. Better to share your feelings with others, in person, via social media or by calling a grief hotline in your area. Witness the thousands of people who shared their favorite Bowie song via Facebook in the days following his passing. You might even want to organize your own mini-memorial with friends, such as a watch party of a dead actor’s top films or a listening party of your favorite albums from a dead musician.

4. Look for tangible reminders of the celebrity. Another way to process the grief over the death of a celebrity is to seek some tangible reminders of that person’s work. That’s one of the reasons that music, books and memorabilia of a recently-dead celebrity often experience a huge surge in sales. Listening to or reading about the life of the deceased can help you to clarify your feelings about their death.

The bottom line

Black StarUltimately, grief at a celebrity’s passing is natural, especially the death of someone who has been covered extensively in the news and social media. Although we’ve never met him or her, we understandably feel a kinship towards at least their public personna. Such grief requires processing. Kudos to artists like Bowie who make that process a little easier by leaving a “final act” like “Blackstar.”

Bowie once said, “I think aging (sic) is an extraordinary process whereby you become the person that you always should have been.” …to which we respond, “YES!”

Holiday Grief … Some Helpful Tips

These Can Be Hard Times For Some
These Can Be Hard Times For Some

Grief is inevitable in life, and unfortunately, it doesn’t take a break just because the holidays are coming. In fact happy cheery holiday time can be even harder to keep grief in check. Despite grief not taking a holiday, there are ways to cope with it. And fortunately for some, the busyness of the holidays takes their mind off of other issues going in life. If not these tips might be helpful in having a slightly better holiday.

Reevaluate Holiday Tasks

If grandpa recently passed and he was the one who carved the turkey, you’ll need to figure out who should continue the tradition. In some instances, you may want just to discontinue a tradition if it isn’t something completely necessary. Having to carry on a tradition that reminds you of a deceased loved one may make the holidays even harder. Therefore, you should ask yourself if a tradition is necessary and if you want to carry it on for future generations. Always keep in mind that children aren’t as emotionally involved when a person passes due to their lack of understanding and time invested in a relationship cut short, but they may care about the traditions that surrounded the holidays.

Stay Busy

While you may feel like you’d rather curl up in a ball and hibernate the holidays away, this will only make matters worse. If grief just happened, you need to find ways to occupy your time. This may include shopping, working or cleaning your home. Many people find cleaning, as an excellent stress relief, and your house will reap the benefit. Another option to occupy your time during the holidays is to work. Many people need to take time off in order to complete the tasks they need done or to spend with family. Therefore, there are many opportunities for you to offer to take their shift and pick up some overtime. Plus, in the retail and hospitality fields, everything gets busier during the holidays, so there are more opportunities for overtime anyways. Don’t hesitate to look for opportunities outside of your regular job such as dressing up like Santa or other seasonal positions. Another option is to volunteer. Not only will you occupy your time, but you’ll also be helping others, which will make you feel better and heal yourself.

Invite Someone New For the Holidays

Other people are lonely on the holidays and would love to have someone to spend the day with. If you have a friend who doesn’t have anywhere to go, invite them to your holiday event. You’ll feel better knowing you helped someone else feel less alone.

It’s Okay to Grieve

You May Want to Avoid the Cheer. Alcohol is a Depressant!
You May Want to Avoid the Cheer. Alcohol is a Depressant!

Don’t feel like you have to put on a smile for the holidays even if you don’t want to. If you’re absolutely not up to going to a holiday gathering, it’s okay to say no. Take time for yourself to grieve and to accept what happened. People will understand if you have to say no to hosting the bake sale you do every holiday season. On the other hand, you could ask other people to help you, so you don’t have a full workload on top of the pain you’re feeling. Always remember that you need to do what’s best for you to cope with grief. You don’t need to hide your emotions and take on something you’re truly not comfortable with. However, you may not want to cancel the holidays totally if other people count on you for being around during this time. On the other hand, if you’re completely not up for it, those who love you will be understanding.

Allow Yourself Time to Be Happy

You don’t have to spend the next month crying or being depressed. It’s okay to enjoy the holidays even if there’s grief going on around you. You can take time to grieve because it’s necessary, but make sure you open yourself up to allow for fun and joy during the holidays. Hard times don’t have to mean perpetual misery.

Any Emotion is Okay

Everybody handles grief differently; so don’t beat yourself up for the way you feel. Go ahead and get angry. Feel free to spend time crying and letting out your sadness. And if you’re one of those people who cope by placing your feelings on the back burner and continuing with life, don’t feel like it’s wrong.

Talk to Family and Friends

People are out there who care about you including your friends anHoliday Traditionsd family. Even if you don’t need to talk to them to cope with the grief, give them a call just to talk and feel close to someone. Schedule an outing with them. It may be comforting to have someone around during the holidays, especially if you’re feeling lonely and empty due to a recent loss.

Holidays Are for Children

Santa Claus is meant to bring joy to children. Just because you might not fully be into the holidays, remember that your kids, nieces, nephews and other

Dichroic Glass with Ashes
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tots in your life look forward to the season for the joy it brings. Focus on the children and the happiness you can bring to them. You might not feel up for having a cup of cheer yourself, but making sure the kids have a good holiday will bring a bit of happiness your way. And it can take your mind off of the pain you’re feeling.

Schedule Time for Yourself

Even if you’re dreading the holiday season, it will make it more tolerable by planning time for yourself. Have a spa day after you’re done shopping or go out for a drink with a friend after a long day at work. Maybe you’d prefer just taking a long, hot bath and enjoying a good book.

Create a New Tradition

Cremation Glass
Memorial Art Made With The Ashes of Your Loved One. “CLICK HERE”

You don’t have to keep every tradition the same. It might be comforting to do something entirely different or to do something in your loved one’s memory.

Although you can’t change what you feel, you may be able to make it more manageable with these tips. Never feel like you’re alone in the grief you feel during the holidays. Surround yourself with those you care about or contact a support line to talk.

How Celebrants Can Help the Funeral Industry

Death is part of life. We all know that, yet many of us are unprepared for it. Loved ones left behind are unsure how to go about laying their deceased family member to rest other than the basic burial or cremation. The funeral is often assumed to be a part of the burial, so they may expect matters to simply fall into place as they just go through the motions: Eulogy, followed by kind words, followed by psalms, followed by hymns, and so on.

You can rise up and go beyond the emptiness of boring traditions and help a lost and grieving family members celebrate the life of their loved in a different and better way with Funeral Celebrants who understand what your clients want and need to say goodbye in a way that feels whole and provides a transition to move on.

Families depend on you to create a memorable funeral.

Grief On HoldWhen family members come into your funeral home to arrange things, they are often dull with grief and expecting you to plan the funeral for them. You will ask them about their loved one and try to come up with enough information for a basic obituary. You can hand the funeral ceremony over to your choice of clergy, knowing you can count on them to get the expected job done. Im sure the clergy will get just enough information to be able to express who the deceased was in life: their beliefs and what they meant to their survivors. The bare essentials created out of those simple guidelines, plus some psalms and hymns to tie things together, you have the basic and expected funeral.

The best way to gain the trust and loyalty of the families you serve is to exceed their expectations! There is a better way and to prepare a funeral that celebrates the deceased and helps those in attendance move through the transitions needed to embrace a life lived and support each other through feelings that are unique to each individual.  Funeral celebrants are trained and certified to write beautiful and creative funerals that go beyond the expected funeral.

We can help you create memories of joy for loved ones left behind.

Funerals Can Be Enlightning
Funerals Can Be Enlightning

Families and friends who have attended traditional funerals often leave as sad as they felt when they arrived. The eulogies often simply address the years of life lived, who they loved and raised, and what they did for a living as they did their duty for love and family. That is all well and good, but what about the joy the deceased had in life? What did they do that gave them pleasure and laughter in life? What did they value and share with their spouse, children, siblings, and friends? What message did they value so much that they would hope would continue beyond their life span and be carried by those they touched in life. Celebrants ask these questions with a complete questionnaire and interview process that stimulates survivors to share real life stories of the deceased. They then craft all they learn into a well written a memorable ceremony that shares their beliefs, values, humor, love, and joy through words, video, music, and anything else the symbolizes the life of the deceased.

When the family comes into your funeral home, they are lost and often unable to think clearly about the funeral. They may be thinking of details such as the casket and burial locations, logistics such as when it will be done and how to get everyone there. The last thing they may think about is how to send off their loved one with meaning. The irony is that the following days after the funeral when they reflect and talk to each other asking “How Was The Funeral”? The first thing they will talk about is the ceremony and how it made them feel. Followed by how did it truly reflect on the life and relationships of the person who died. Did the ceremony say I lived, I mattered, and I cared! That is where the real value of using Celebrants will reflect a positive light on your funeral bussiness.

Who can become a funeral celebrant?

Funeral CelebrantVirtually anyone can become a funeral celebrant, even a licensed funeral director. Grief counselors, hospice care providers, and social workers may have a natural calling to become Celebrants. Member of the clergy are also naturals. The main reason people become funeral celebrants is that they found they have a calling to help assist people to mark or celebrate the important moments in life of the family member who has passed on. Women are far more often drawn to the profession.

Is there a license to become a funeral celebrant?

No, there is no license, but the  funeral celebrants receive training to write and perform the celebration properly and they may even receive certification to indicate their training, but there is no government oversight or regulation. Often Celebrants are also trained in other life events as well, such as births, weddings, divorce and life transitions.

Funeral celebrants come from different walks of life. The may have experienced a traditional funeral and left feeling like something was missing and thought to themselves there must be a better way to say goodbye. They may then search for this better way and ultimately learn about becoming a Funeral Celebrant.

For example, hospice providers are present during the final months of a person’s life. They may listen to the stories of the patient’s life from the patient, their family members, and close friends. When the patient passes away, the loved ones enter a period of sadness and grief, with brief periods of levity caused by the memories of the deceased.

This is a light-bulb moment! They found laughter and joy even in their time of grief! The hospice care provider realizes this is what was missing at the funerals she attended in the past. The patient lived a long, loving and heroic life, why not celebrate who he was at the funeral so that the ones left behind can feel that love and joy as they send them off into the next stage of life! Thus a Funeral Celebrant is born.

What can this mean to your funeral home business?

Funeral Director with head up ass
Typical Response of a Funeral Director on Using Celebrants!

When a family comes to you establishment and you can provide them with much more than a simple tradition and find out how the family really wants to remember them. You can then use the skills of a Funeral Celebrant to create a lovely and memorable celebration that will help sad grieving family and friends leave with love and joy in their hearts.

What does this mean to you? Those who experience a true celebration at a funeral often remark to their families that is how they want their funeral to be when they go. This has proven to increase the public’s desire to pre-arrange funerals. You can setup everything needed for the celebration ahead of time to avoid rushing about and missing important details.

Costs for Funeral Celebrants vary depending on what is needed for the celebration but expect it to cost twice as much as a typical clergy donation. This is mainly because of the simple fact that Celebrants put in much more time and on average take 10 – 12 hours just to interview and write the ceremony. The extra time and effort will show in the quality of a more personalized funeral. Extras may include a Life Celebration Video of the deceased or specific music or even props present at the funeral. The writer may not necessarily be the speaker, so that may be a separate fee. Conversely, the writer may be the speaker, so they may charge a flat fee for the complete service or separate fees for each aspect of the celebration.

Your funeral home is a business that celebrates life.

funeralhome1In every town or city there are several funeral homes. Most are traditional ones that perform the basics. Your funeral home can be the one that stands out as more progressive and truly knows how to celebrate life. When a family loses someone they love, they will look to you to help them. Celebrants are trained to work with funeral directors and consider it their job to shine a positive light on the funeral home the hires them. Your relationship with your Celebrant will grow and you may find new ways to use their services, such as a public holiday service of remembrance or the opening of a new business. They want you to call them again and again so be sure to explain your special needs and likes.

Traditional funerals often do not satisfy people.

In the current social environment there are many people who do not define themselves as religious, thus they may prefer to keep religion out of the funeral service. Instead they may prefer to celebrate the life of the deceased live with stories, music, and videos. They may want to share funny or poignant stories that show who they were in life. Grieving family members may ask for certain songs to be played instead of hymns, certain poetry recited rather than psalms.

A funeral celebrant understands these different expectations and can help you provide these services for your clients. Your job is to help the living say goodbye to the deceased the way they wish to say it. The difference here is that the funeral is planned and arranged with minute detail.  A funeral celebration is a calming balm to the soul in a time of loss and sadness to lift the hearts into love and joy. We encourage you to learn more about Celebrants for your funeral home to take your business to the next level. You can keep up with the current social atmosphere that prefers to celebrate life instead of mourn death. Celebrants are here to help you help your clients say goodbye the way they want to say it: with meaning, with words, with love, and with joy so that they will come back again to your funeral home when they need to say goodbye to another loved one.

To locate a Certified Celebrant in your area you can check out the Celebrant Foundation and Institute www.celebrantinstitute.org or call #973-746-1792
To hire a Celebrant online to write but not perform a ceremony check out our Funeral-Writing-Services.

Jeff Staab is a Vermont based funeral director and Certified Life Cycle Celebrant. He can be reached at #877-365-9474 or info@cremationsolutions.com

In Your Dying Dreams You May Find Peace….

Death DreamsJust before dying, people have reported experiencing remarkably vivid yet meaningful visions and dreams that bring great personal comfort to them in a moment that, by all accounts, should be terrifying. However, these visions are not considered near death experiences (NDEs) because the people reporting them do not “come back to life”. Instead, they complete the cycle of birth, growth, life and death by passing into what scientists call the “clinical” or biological stage of death, where nervous and respiratory system functioning stops. Although thousands of studies have been conducted investigating the phenomenon of NDEs, little research results exists regarding the dreams and visions of a dying individual.

What the Research Says

A study published in the American Journal of Hospice and Palliative Care is considered the first study to accept a dying patient’s perspective on these dreams instead of a medical point of view, which insists that dreams, visions or hallucinatory events occurring to such patients can be attributed to dramatic changes in brain chemistry stemming medication side effects and a decreasing lack of oxygen and blood flow to the brain. According to the study, patients nearing their end of life found these dreams gave them great personal comfort and peace, helping them change their fearful perspective about death and accepting death without fear or anxiety. Authors of the study also suggest that physicians should not dismiss these experiences but recognize them as a positive aspect of the dying process.

In another study conducted at Hospice Buffalo, patients reported having at least one vision or dream that was much more vivid and memorable than normal REM dreams. These dreams exhibited emotionally insightful messages that predominantly involved loved ones who had already passed and were patiently waiting for them in some peaceful, otherworldly environment. In addition, researchers found that the closer a patient was to dying, the more they dreamed about dead relatives and friends, which patients described as pleasantly comforting to them.

Categories of Dying Dreams and Visions

Dreams 3A review of the existing data concerning dying dreams found that patients approaching death frequently have vividly realistic dreams involving:

  • The comforting presence of a deceased loved one (some patients reported seeing a loved one who was still alive but offered them solace and reassurance).
  • Preparing to leave on a journey with a living or dead relative. For example, one patient said she had a dream about boarding a plane with her son, (who was still living) and felt great comfort and peace as they boarded the plane together.
  • Engaging or just watching deceased relatives and friends. Realizing that their deceased loved ones had not simply “disappeared” and seemed happy and content also gave them a powerful sense of comfort and peace.
  • Feeling like their deceased loved ones were waiting for them to pass. One woman told researchers a few days before her death that she had dreamed of standing at the top of a staircase while her dead husband patiently waited for her at the bottom of the staircase.
  • Some people report reliving distressing or traumatic life experiences in the form of dreams or visions days or hours before dying. Reliving distressing experiences in this way seemed to be a kind of catharsis that relieved them of the pain they had felt while alive so that the transition from life to death could be completed in peace.
  • Some patients dreamed of unfinished business or the inability to complete important tasks before they passed. For example, dying young mothers in some studies experienced distressing dreams about wanting to continue caring for their children until they were grown.

What Medical Professionals Should Do

Researchers of dying dreams strongly urge medical professionals, as well as skeptical family members and friends, to accept these dreams because not accepting them may be detrimental to the mental health of those dying. Hospice Buffalo Director of Research Pei Grant states that “we need to treat the whole patient, not just the disease, by remembering that overall quality of life, even at the end of life, is just as important as it is during life”. She recommends that practitioners and families talk with patients and loved ones about their dreams and accept them as real and meaningful. Interacting in this way with a dying person allows them look back on their life, come to terms with certain experiences and gives them a chance to process their feelings about death. Grant says that being there and listening is the best thing a loved one can do for a friend or relative who is dying. “This acknowledgement of the personal significance of end of life dreams and visions helps families and patients through the difficult transition from accepting a negative diagnosis, they process of dying and finally, death itself”.

Withdrawing from the External World

Dreams 2In addition to comforting dreams and visions, patients also report strong feelings of detachment from the “real” world and loss of interest in what living people consider reality. A short time before death, dying people may become less responsive to touch, voice or other stimuli and appear to be in a light sleep. Sometimes they may unexpectedly emerge from this detachment and appear as though nothing was wrong with them. Now talkative and alert, the person may be eager to talk about their dreams as well as personal insights they discovered while in this state of withdrawal. During this time, loved ones should accept what they have to say and reassure them that what is happening to them is real, relevant and purposeful. Don’t distract them from talking about their dreams. Remain supportive, non-critical and continue providing as much loving attention as possible.

What Happens After the Death of a Loved One?

Experiencing the emotional effects of the death of a loved one is an intense and complicated process involving conflicting emotions that many individuals find hard to understand or manage. The sudden death of someone who was not expected to pass away is probably the kind of death which causes the most impact on individuals. Talking to a healthy and living human being one day and discovering they are no longer alive the next can generate severely crippling emotional issues that people often deal with by using illegal drugs or exhibiting other forms reckless behavior.

Symptoms of the Grieving Process

Repressing emotions caused by the death of a loved one can create physical symptoms which you might not realize are the result of your emotions. Feeling depressed, alone or confused can activate stress hormones which can cause physical complaints such as backaches, insomnia, sleeping too much, heart palpitations and even flu-like symptoms. Sometimes people think there is something seriously wrong with them and visit many different doctors who tell them they can find nothing wrong. It usually takes a referral to a professional grief counselor to help the person understand what is causing these symptoms

Dealing with Emotions

Receiving counseling from a therapist trained in dealing with grief and other strong emotions associated with the death of a loved one can greatly help the affected individual in realizing and coping with his emotions. Guilt, despair, confusion and fear are all common emotions people experience after a loved one dies. Ignoring these emotions will only prevent them from being understood and eventually assimilated into the everyday emotions that one feels. Moreover, knowing that the dying dreams and visions experienced by a loved one just prior to death gave that person much peace and comfort may help relieve feelings of loss and grief associated with losing a loved one, since some levels of grief can be traced back to a person’s own fearful feelings about death.

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Robin Williams….What Can We Learn

Sad FuneralsUnless you’ve been away on a deserted island, you know that actor/comedian Robin Williams killed himself last Monday in his California home. The sadness most of us felt when we first heard the news was powerful. Here was a man that seemingly had everything–a loving family, a successful career, an artistic gift and the wealth that decades in the entertainment industry had earned him. If he could succumb to a sadness so profound that ending his life seems the only solution, what does that leave for the rest of use, many of us pondered.

That he battled–and largely overcame–addiction was widely known. In the days following Williams’ death, it has also become known that he struggled with depression and that he had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. While such knowledge may make his actions easier to understand, it makes his death no easier to bear.

Gentle Caring Clown
Gentle Caring Clown

While Robin Williams’ tragic death made headlines because of his notoriety, he is far from the only person to take his own life. Someone dies from suicide in the United States every 13.3 minutes. More than 38,000 Americans die by their own hand each year, an average of 105 per day.  That’s more people than live in  Beaufort, South Carolina; Bardstown, Kentucky; Cooperstown, New York or Telluride, Colorado. In fact, according to the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Although people who choose to end their own life may have feel alone at the end, a person who commits suicide leaves, on average, six close family members and/or friends.

Funeral planning and suicide

Suicides are some of the most difficult deaths to deal with, both for family and friends–and also for funeral professionals. Suicides are usually unexpected and family and friends haven’t had time to think about what sort of arrangements the deceased may have wanted. That is especially true when a young person dies, and more than 16 percent of suicides are people under 21 years of age.  In addition, family may still be in shock and denial about their loved one’s death when they meet with the funeral professional. This can hamper decisions like picking a casket, choosing a service and opting for burial or cremation.

Grief On Hold

As funeral directors, we are in a unique position to help families cope with the overwhelming grief and shock that accompanies suicide and help them to start the healing process. Whereas family members and friends may be afraid to talk about a suicide death and allow immediate family members to share their emotions, a good funeral director is non-judgmental and can provide that needed “rock” to lean on during the initial grieving and funeral planning process.

To provide the best support and service for the loved ones of someone who has committed suicide, funeral professionals should treat the death as a normal situation. Friends and family members of someone who died by suicide often feel isolated and alone.  Treating their situation as you would any other funeral can help the family better cope with the death.

Funeral professionals can also provide information about support groups that might be of assistance to survivors of a suicide. Such people might not feel at ease talking to co-workers or friends about how they are feeling. A support group can put them in touch with others who have been through a similar situation.

What can we learn from Robin Williams’ death?

For all of the people who successfully commit suicide each year, more than ten times that number–nearly 400,000–attempt it. What can we learn from Robin Williams’ death? We can learn the signs that indicate a person is considering ending their own life and be vigilant. We can refuse to be smug and secure in our own busy lives and avoid thinking that suicide can’t happen in our tight circle of family and friends–because it can. And, we can hone our listening skills, paying more attention to what people are saying to us and less to what we are going to say next.

According to WedMD, the most common indicators that someone is contemplating suicide include:

  • Frequent talking about death
  • Losing interest in things they once enjoyed
  • Making remarks about their life being hopeless or pointless
  • Putting their affairs in order (e.g. making a will, selling possessions, tying up loose ends)
  • Change in mood from very sad to happy
  • Calling or visiting friends and family to say “goodbye”

And, a few suicide facts:

  • More than 90 percent of people who commit suicide have clinical depression or other diagnosable mental illness, according to WedMD.
  • Although women are more likely to have suicidal thoughts than males, men are much more likely to act on those thoughts. More than three-quarters of all suicides in the United States are men.
  • More than one-third of all suicides involve alcohol, anti-depressants and/or opiates.
  • The highest suicide rate is among people between ages 45 and 64 (18%), with Americans 85 years of age and older being the group with the second highest rate of suicide (16.9%.)
  • Suicide rates are higher in the western United States and lower in the large metropolitan areas of the northeast.

Amid the vast outpouring of tributes, opinions and grief about Williams’ death all over the Internet, I was most struck by a simple Facebook post from Kennedy cousin and journalist, Maria Shriver. She posted the reminder for all of us to “Be Kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Well said, Maria. Well said.

Rest in Peace, Robin Williams. You touched many, many more people than you ever knew.

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