Part I: Americans Not Making Their Mark and Avoiding Funerals
There are only three realities in life: birth, death, and taxes. The most profound and complex of the three is, of course, death. We have 9 months to prepare and plan a birth. We plan for our tax returns each year but many of us do not plan on dying! Not planning to die is not only foolish but selfish as well. The large unknown, that occurs after life, and the nature of death isn’t easy to think about for anyone. The notion that one day you’re here and the next it all will end, can be frightening to contemplate for both oneself and others. You can “Go Out With a Bang” or fade away in a fizzle! Too many today don’t choose and lose.
After death, those most strongly affected are loved ones – not the person who passed away. Thus, funerals are for the living and in grief, these individuals are often required to make the decisions about the funeral, memorials and transitioning a loved one from alive to remembered. For some, this can be a challenge. It’s hard to accept the permanent end of life for someone who is dearly loved and will be sincerely missed. Planning a funeral means accepting that a loved one is really, truly gone or that you will be gone. As we are forced to face our own mortality or when no instructions or specific plans have been requested from the deceased in life, one may opt for avoiding any kind of traditional send off. As such, funerals are starting to fall out of vogue. It’s not uncommon for the younger generation to skip funerals entirely in favor of other, more simplistic unorganized gatherings that lack the finite nature of a funeral or a transition in life, without the life being acknowledged. Where is the acknowledgment of a life well lived? Where’s the beef?! Where is the support circle? What is the legacy?!
Today’s world is becoming increasingly “me” centered, with individuals focusing on their own wants and needs, rather than those around them. As virtual communication replaces face-to-face interactions, selfishness replaces selflessness and an evolution toward a self-involved attitude becomes normalized, there’s little motivation to consider what others may require.
Regardless of reasoning, choosing not to have a funeral of some kind is a very selfish option and can carry serious ramifications. Yes, a funeral is one of the most important “Gifts” you can give to the people you care about in your life. The more memorable experience you plan about your own valuable life, the more you will be remembered. Your life goals and beliefs of what is good for this world need not be taken to the grave. What you valued and strived for can and should be continued for many generations to come. These are the folks that will cement your legacy! Help Them! A funeral is an important part of the cycle of life and the cycle of grief. A good funeral or memorial is the foundation that people will move on from as they move to the next stepping stone of life. Despite the importance of the ritual, of a memorial ceremony, many Americans are still choosing to forgo tradition.
The Historical Prominence of Funerals
Funerals are not an American concept that is now being overlooked or even a Western concept. In reality, funerals have existed in countless different human societies for thousands of years, indicating the importance of honoring the dead to many ancient and modern people. Conservative estimates place the first human funerals around 300,000 years ago with evidence of burial ceremonies spanning across continents and cultures. Even animals have organized farewells. Elephants will go many miles for days just to visit with the earthly remains of friends and family.
The idea of acknowledging the end of life is not new, as is demonstrated by the rich historical tradition of celebrating the end of life. The alarming evolution of disregarding this important, cultural moment is only hurting, not helping – after all, funerals have a long legacy for a reason.
The Decline of Sentimentality
There’s no way around it: funerals are on the decline. There were around 1,500 fewer funeral homes in 2019 than there were in 2009. Even though more people than ever are dying each year (Boomers), funeral homes are going out of business at an alarming rate. Many people view spending thousands of dollars, on what often feels like a sad goodbye, to be frivolous and fruitless. This often results in it feeling like an expensive and labor-intensive task that is more stressful than beneficial to those doing the planning. Why pay for a funeral that is just like the last three funerals you attended? Where is the value in an impersonal, cookie cutter funeral inserted into a two thousand year old ceremony that has no meaning for today’s society? For this reason, it’s becoming more and more common for those closest to the deceased, like parents and friends, to give up on the idea of having a funeral entirely. With no foreseen value, they feel the money would be better spent on a fine caterer at the local clubhouse and survivors best attempt at some sort of tribute.
In many cases, however, the choice to forgo a funeral falls on the decedent. Too often, the word “just” is uttered in relation to funerals. 
People “just want to be cremated” or “just have their ashes distributed in a favorite place” and “just have a party”. The idea of permanence is fleeing the American mentality. Before and after death, the idea of leaving a mark is less common than ever before. This may be driven by a number of factors, from the perception of permanence in online activities to the increasingly nihilistic approach to life held by so many in the younger generations. In a disposable society, just dispose of me! I’ve actually heard people say put my ashes in the trash “what do I care” I’ll be gone! As someone that worked many years as a funeral director, this disgusts me and is the epitome of selfishness.
In American culture, the race to the top often means a focus on cash above all else. The classic line “Greed is Good” is bad! As the gap between the lower class and the upper class continues to widen, thanks to a failed two-party system of government, many Americans are underemployed and working multiple jobs just to meet simple life goals. The gig economy is alive and well, with adults choosing to work for companies like Uber and Lyft on nights and weekends just to make a little extra cash. While this sounds like a benefit in the present and immediate future, the ongoing quest for the Almighty Dollar can change long-term views on the world. When making a few hundred dollars requires hours behind the wheel, delivering people or packages, investing in something as seemingly useless as a funeral becomes much less important.
Regardless of the reasons, many Americans aren’t interested in leaving a mark or a legacy on the world. Instead, they are often concerned with the path of least resistance – “just” have me cremated and I’ll be gone – even when this mentality is to the significant detriment of others. Funerals provide a closure that no other form of remembrance can, and a failure to properly do so may be permanently harming the American psyche.
Part II: How Funeral Directors Are Failing
Funerals have long been considered a recession-proof industry. After all, everyone dies sooner or later. However, as of late, this is failing to be the case. As Americans continue to disregard the importance of funerals by adopting an increasingly blasé attitude toward life, death, and what comes after, it’s becoming more popular to ignore funerals and simply move on without much fanfare after the loss of a loved one.
Many industries have found themselves forced to change with the advent of the internet and the ways in which enhancements in technology have altered the human experience. The funeral industry is still stuck in days gone by. Funeral homes are often family-run operations, with traditions passed down from parent to child for generations. As such, there is little motivation to change how things have historically been done. Competing in an experience based society can be a disadvantage to the tradition of “The Body” based service steeped in age old ways.
Most funeral directors are living in denial and failing to see the changes required in the funeral industry to avoid going extinct. Instead of staying flexible and working with the needs of consumers, funeral directors feel inclined to push traditional services in a funeral home space with expensive burials of caskets and vaults. Much of how modern funeral homes operate is based on marketing techniques to funeral directors by American casket manufacturers.
This classic funeral concept has worked for generations, but today’s world is a very different place.
The idea of a traditional funeral can be to some more of a burden than a blessing, and it’s something many Millennials and Gen-Xers who want the bare minimum will not embrace. Yet, even with this knowledge, funeral directors are actively resisting change and failing to meet the needs of an evolving market. Funeral directors want to stay strong against the “just” mentality of the modern American and, by shooting themselves in the foot in this manner, they are actively hurting their own industry as well as the perception of funerals overall. Sure, there are some standout funeral businesses that are more progressive that offer updated options and experienced based funerals but their prices will weed out many that are savvy enough to pull off a meaningful DYI memorial.
The Cost of Funerals
The cost of the average funeral is not helping the declining funeral industry. Today, funerals are more expensive than ever, with the average funeral running close to $10,000 – and more if a pricey traditional casket is in use. This number can be outside the bounds of affordability for many families, but as the industry dwindles, there’s no wiggle room for many funeral directors attributed to stricter financial requirements. There’s still pressure to push big, elaborate funerals, even on people who do not appear to want them. This has created a whole new player in the game. The discount cremation or cremation society and business is thriving. Direct cremation is $1000. -$2000! They can provide a “no frills” cremation for less than half the cost of the “classy funeral homes” that are trapped by the overhead of fancy buildings, auto’s and salaries. Instead of changing their business model, the family funeral home owners may opt to sell their valuable real estate and retire to the suburbs.
In spite of all this, funerals don’t have to be expensive. With the rise of cremation and the cost savings of urns and cremation keepsakes versus traditional caskets and burial vaults, it can actually be relatively affordable to hold a caring memorial for those who have been lost. Your local family owned funeral home can assist you with these simpler services for less then you think. However, this is largely unknown, even by those who are in favor of funerals, leading to a disinterest because of the perceived costs. Nothing saves money more than knowing what is wanted and desired before a death has accured.
The Federal Trade Commission maintains extensive rules regarding consumer rights in the funeral industry. Consumers must be permitted to purchase bits and pieces as needed, like embalming or cremation services but not caskets, in order to meet individual needs. Funeral directors are also required to be transparent with pricing, providing prospective customers with a general price list that includes the per-piece costs of all elements of products and services.
However, funeral homes are often focused on just getting the job done with no problems, rather than creating healing experiences. The lazy approach have some choose to push larger packages on the faux principle of sentimentality. By taking this approach, funeral homes are essentially driving away business: Funeral Directors need to listen to what people need and withold from promoting a large and expensive package that someone doesn’t want or need! It can be an upsetting experience that results in more harm than good. When the high cost of a funeral is combined with the evolving American mentalities, that appear to be pulling away from important traditions, far too many people are willing to just walk away, and that’s not Okay! By providing alternatives and new traditions, by educating and offering progressive options to todays family, funeral homes can remain an integral part of the community and people will turn to them for help.
Part III: Why Memorials Matter
Funerals are the ultimate way to say goodbye, creating an opportunity for those who care about the decedent to come together, share stories, pay their respects and remember. Relationships are both reinforced and created at funerals. The seeds of life that we sow, provide the life trees that bear the fruits of your labor of love. A foundation of support can be the starting point on the healing highway.
Despite the appeal of skipping the formalities of a funeral, planning to do so can be a very poor decision. By failing to recognize the finality of life and give everyone, even old friends and distant family members, a chance to pay their respects and support each other, too many people will be left twisting in the wind, hurt and confused. There are more people in a decedent’s life than their spouse and children, and those people deserve a way to be involved in the death, too. By choosing not to hold a funeral or memorial, family members, and in some cases the decedents themselves, are effectively usurping the grieving process for many others, leaving a hole in the hearts of friends, acquaintances, and coworkers who were anticipating a way to not only say goodbye but to say hello to others that are woven into the tapestry of life.
Funerals serve several important roles in life, including:
- Acknowledgement of the end: The first of the stages of grief is denial, as it can be hard to admit a loved one is gone for good. A funeral provides a way to overcome this step and accept that the end of life is a reality that can’t be ignored or pushed aside.
- A chance to say goodbye: Whether a ceremony involves an open casket or the presentation of an urn, a funeral is often the last time in which loved ones get to stand in the presence of the deceased. This opportunity to say goodbye can be extremely valuable in overcoming grief.
- A community: A funeral is a way for people to come together, creating a community of those experiencing similar emotions. By uniting people in grief, the community provided by a funeral can facilitate the healing process, reminding mourners that they aren’t alone.
- An ongoing support system: Death is never easy to deal with. The stages of grief can be an overwhelming roller coaster, and without those who understand, it can be very hard to make it to the other side without negative ramifications in other areas of life. A funeral provides the foundation of a support system, showing evidence of those who understand what you are feeling and who you can turn to in times of grief. Often, important plans are made at funerals for survivors to re-connect, to maintain old traditions and to start new traditions as well.
- A reflection on life and death: It’s easy to ignore the presence of death and the impact it can have on life when not experiencing the emotions first hand. This denial isn’t always healthy, as death is inevitable and will happen to everyone at one point or another. A funeral provides a reason to think about the fleeting nature of time spent on earth and offers a way to help individuals come to terms with the complex emotions that often surround the end of life.
Denying these benefits to those who love you – or denying the benefits to others, for spouses left to plan a funeral for someone who left no post-death instructions – is a selfish choice, which can have lasting effects on mental health and the progression of grief.
Instead of a funeral, the idea of alternative memorials is becoming more common. Spouses, parents, and siblings no longer want to put the effort into funeral planning when grief is so raw and instead host small intimate gatherings to reminisce before moving toward cremation. While this can be a nice gesture, it’s not the same as making sure all of the important people in one’s life have a chance to be involved in a final farewell.
Creating the Perfect Memorial
It’s important to understand that a funeral doesn’t have to be a stuffy experience in a drab hall, decked out in solemn colors. Some funeral homes have updated and now resemble catering halls more than funeral homes. Funeral directors can also assist you with the event in other locations of your choice. Progressive funeral directors are highly skilled event planners and have the equipment and connections to get things done, fast! If your local funeral home does not offer progressive options, you may want to consult with your local event planners and reception halls. The tradition of calling hours or wake preceding the funeral and the viewing of “The body” is not as mainstream as once was. When I was studying to be a funeral director (class of 1984) it was instilled that it was hard to even begin any kind of grieving process without viewing the body and coming face to face with the reality of death. I have seen the new generation of public more and more uncomfortable with public viewings but I still feel it can be an important aspect of the grieving process.
My general school of thought is: the younger and more unexpected or tragic the death, the more important viewing the deceased is. However, having a viewing does increase the cost of a funeral homes services and this should be expected. Don’t make the mistake of not having viewing just because cremation is the final disposition. It’s perfectly normal to have the cremation performed after the services. In fact, the main difference between a funeral and a memorial is that the body is present at a funeral and not present at a memorial. So, in today’s majority choosing cremation the order of services could be for example; have the viewing then cremate followed by a memorial with the cremation urn present or have the viewing followed by a funeral (Body present) and then cremate. So, don’t let the choice of cremation determine what kind of service you want to have, you can still have any style of service you prefer.
These days Hospice is often involved in the weeks and days prior to death. They can be very helpful and help people to be more comfortable and at ease with the process of dying. Be aware that Hospice will often push final goodbyes while the person is still alive to avoid having to do so again after death. This can be a mistake and not considered a replacement for a funeral or memorial. Hospice also encourages cremation; they operate on a Buddhism based philosophy in which cremation is the way. Don’t let them push you into anything you do not want and be persuaded to avoid funerals
Funerals, or any kind of celebration of life, can be customized to both the deceased’s wants and the family’s needs. Funerals can be held anywhere, like a favorite park, provided proper permits are obtained, a backyard, or the family church. Funerals can also be hosted by anyone; you may have a charismatic family member that’s willing to do their best but it can be frustrating and uncertain working with a non-professional.
The best choice for a truly meaningful ceremony is to a hire a Certified Funeral Celebrant. Celebrants are becoming an increasingly common option for those who want a professional ceremony without any of the outdated traditions often associated with the funeral industry. With the ability to create a sentimental ceremony in a way that honors a decedent’s personality and interests, a celebrant can easily lead a funeral that best speaks to the needs of family and friends.
When presented with the idea of a more organic, natural, or creative funeral, many individuals are far more enticed. The idea of being memorialized in an urn at a favorite park versus stiff in a casket in a funeral home is often more welcoming, and can make the idea of putting plans in place in a will less daunting or uncomfortable. In many ways, this sort of celebration can fall into the “just” mindset – just hold a simple event for all of my family and friends to attend and enjoy after I have left this earth – even though the reality is much different. Family and friends still get to mourn as needed while individuals can still leave a mark and promote a legacy as is most important to them.
Ongoing Memorials
No mater what style of funeral or memorial you have, the days and years following can become a cold reality of loss. We naturally want to visit the memories of our relationships with those we lose. Visits to the cemetery may not be possible when ashes are scattered. But if people want to “Go Out With a Bang” you can now purchase a handheld ash scattering cannon called “The Loved One Launcher”! So, it could be a good idea to have a stone memorial placed on your home garden or property. Many people today are comforted by the display of photos and having the cremation urn at home, for example, can be used to display remains in a tasteful and dignified way that can serve as a reminder of a lost loved one’s enduring presence. In the days, months, and years following a funeral ceremony, the urn will continue to stand.
Memorial jewelry can also be an impactful way to memorialize someone lost. These keepsakes are filled with a small amount of ashes inside so their earthly remains will always be close to your heart. Glass pendants and sculptures are made when a portion of ash is artfully infused into intricate works of art. Cremation ashes can also be used in the production process to create a real diamond or colorful cremation crystals.
Despite the decline in the traditional funeral industry, death is no less of a reality today than it has ever been. By thinking outside the box and embracing the alternatives available, end of life planning for both individuals and their families can take a very different form, resulting in plans for the end that respect personal wishes as well as the needs of loved ones – and allow for the opportunity to preserve a legacy.
Will Millennials Be The “Death Positive” Generation?
Some industry experts are saying that the millennials will be the generation that embraces a new way of death and start death positive traditions. Millennials have learned from their elders that to not plan on the inevitable can be both expensive and creates a haphazard situation that can yield more rushed poor choices. In a 2016 survey by the National Funeral Directors Association, 81 percent of respondents said they called only one funeral home before making their decision. Millennials are avoiding this and are willing to use the internet and apps to help them make informed decisions and guess what? They do understand the value of a well-done event that honors a well lived life. Studies have shown that people are planning their will and final plans at a younger average age. These young hipsters are not going to pick up the yellow pages to call a funeral home so they can be told what they need to do! They use the internet to not only save money but to learn and make informed decisions while staying in the drivers seat.
Hansa Bergwall was 35 when he created the app WeCroak, a digital-age memento mori that reminds its 30,000 monthly users that are going to die five times a day — presumably to help them live in the moment. Like death, the reminders come at random times of the day. When they come, you can open the app to reveal a quote about death from a poet, philosopher, or notable thinker. Then take one moment for contemplation, conscious breathing or meditation. We believe that a regular practice of contemplating mortality helps us accept what we must, let go of things that don’t matter and honor the things that do. Memorials can be arranged digitally on GatheringUs. You can even draft important legal documents online on sites such as FreeWill where you can draft a legal will in twenty minutes with no human interaction. Finally, you can shop online for just about anything to hold ashes, thanks to funeral director turned online merchant Jeff Staab. You can choose from exotic urns to jewelry and gems- Cremation Solutions has got you covered! Even monuments that hold ashes and urns inside. One product that has been really catching hearts is jewelry made from the deceased fingerprint, with “Your Touch” line of fingerprint pendants and rings.
The new generations crave information, even on end of life planning and funeral alternatives. For those who reach out to the internet there are new movements or groups that will help you plan a home funeral and embrace death the “Old Fashion Way”. People used to live far closer to death. Before the turn of the 20th century, women from your family and your community would lay you out in the home usually in bed. They would wash you, dress you in simple clothes. Groom and comb your hair, clip a lock of it to wear in a necklace, like we now do with pendants that hold ashes. Family and friends would gather round, reciting prayers, singing, surrounding you with candles and flowers. And when it was time for burial your family would wrap you in a shroud or sheet, often made of wool, and put you in a wood casket. Finally, a group would carry your coffin to the backyard or the town cemetery and, after a small service, lower you into a hand dug grave. The whole process demanded work, attention, a reckoning. An emerging internet-based organization called Crossings will now help you to organize “Home Funerals” just like Great Grandma! For the first time ever, Americans are choosing cremation more than not. This trend has increased each year. It seems that people don’t understand that cremation is just a final disposition and does not mean you still can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes. Well, you just might find you get what you need! And have “One Hell of a Funeral” and make your mark!
