Robin Williams….What Can We Learn

Sad FuneralsUnless you’ve been away on a deserted island, you know that actor/comedian Robin Williams killed himself last Monday in his California home. The sadness most of us felt when we first heard the news was powerful. Here was a man that seemingly had everything–a loving family, a successful career, an artistic gift and the wealth that decades in the entertainment industry had earned him. If he could succumb to a sadness so profound that ending his life seems the only solution, what does that leave for the rest of use, many of us pondered.

That he battled–and largely overcame–addiction was widely known. In the days following Williams’ death, it has also become known that he struggled with depression and that he had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. While such knowledge may make his actions easier to understand, it makes his death no easier to bear.

Gentle Caring Clown
Gentle Caring Clown

While Robin Williams’ tragic death made headlines because of his notoriety, he is far from the only person to take his own life. Someone dies from suicide in the United States every 13.3 minutes. More than 38,000 Americans die by their own hand each year, an average of 105 per day.  That’s more people than live in  Beaufort, South Carolina; Bardstown, Kentucky; Cooperstown, New York or Telluride, Colorado. In fact, according to the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Although people who choose to end their own life may have feel alone at the end, a person who commits suicide leaves, on average, six close family members and/or friends.

Funeral planning and suicide

Suicides are some of the most difficult deaths to deal with, both for family and friends–and also for funeral professionals. Suicides are usually unexpected and family and friends haven’t had time to think about what sort of arrangements the deceased may have wanted. That is especially true when a young person dies, and more than 16 percent of suicides are people under 21 years of age.  In addition, family may still be in shock and denial about their loved one’s death when they meet with the funeral professional. This can hamper decisions like picking a casket, choosing a service and opting for burial or cremation.

Grief On Hold

As funeral directors, we are in a unique position to help families cope with the overwhelming grief and shock that accompanies suicide and help them to start the healing process. Whereas family members and friends may be afraid to talk about a suicide death and allow immediate family members to share their emotions, a good funeral director is non-judgmental and can provide that needed “rock” to lean on during the initial grieving and funeral planning process.

To provide the best support and service for the loved ones of someone who has committed suicide, funeral professionals should treat the death as a normal situation. Friends and family members of someone who died by suicide often feel isolated and alone.  Treating their situation as you would any other funeral can help the family better cope with the death.

Funeral professionals can also provide information about support groups that might be of assistance to survivors of a suicide. Such people might not feel at ease talking to co-workers or friends about how they are feeling. A support group can put them in touch with others who have been through a similar situation.

What can we learn from Robin Williams’ death?

For all of the people who successfully commit suicide each year, more than ten times that number–nearly 400,000–attempt it. What can we learn from Robin Williams’ death? We can learn the signs that indicate a person is considering ending their own life and be vigilant. We can refuse to be smug and secure in our own busy lives and avoid thinking that suicide can’t happen in our tight circle of family and friends–because it can. And, we can hone our listening skills, paying more attention to what people are saying to us and less to what we are going to say next.

According to WedMD, the most common indicators that someone is contemplating suicide include:

  • Frequent talking about death
  • Losing interest in things they once enjoyed
  • Making remarks about their life being hopeless or pointless
  • Putting their affairs in order (e.g. making a will, selling possessions, tying up loose ends)
  • Change in mood from very sad to happy
  • Calling or visiting friends and family to say “goodbye”

And, a few suicide facts:

  • More than 90 percent of people who commit suicide have clinical depression or other diagnosable mental illness, according to WedMD.
  • Although women are more likely to have suicidal thoughts than males, men are much more likely to act on those thoughts. More than three-quarters of all suicides in the United States are men.
  • More than one-third of all suicides involve alcohol, anti-depressants and/or opiates.
  • The highest suicide rate is among people between ages 45 and 64 (18%), with Americans 85 years of age and older being the group with the second highest rate of suicide (16.9%.)
  • Suicide rates are higher in the western United States and lower in the large metropolitan areas of the northeast.

Amid the vast outpouring of tributes, opinions and grief about Williams’ death all over the Internet, I was most struck by a simple Facebook post from Kennedy cousin and journalist, Maria Shriver. She posted the reminder for all of us to “Be Kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Well said, Maria. Well said.

Rest in Peace, Robin Williams. You touched many, many more people than you ever knew.

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Why is Scattering Ashes So Popular

Spreading Ashes
Everyone is Doing it!

The scattering of ashes is now the most popular thing to do with cremation ashes. Keeping ashes home in a cremation urn is still common, however the burial of the urn in a cemetery is being bypassed by the faster and more glamorous method of scattering the ashes to the four winds and becoming one with nature. In fact, research indicates that almost half of all Americans choose cremation over a ground burial or mausoleum. Of those being cremated I estimate that more then 60% are choosing to scatter. Why have scattering ashes become such an acceptable and apparently desirable aspect of the funeral process? I would say that one reason is that survivors can choose locations of natural beauty that are both meaningful to the deceased as well as those who live on. People are drawn towards nature when faced with a death, they want to do what’s natural and like the idea of returning to the earth ASAP! Sociologists suggest that it may have something to do with the fact that people are highly mobile now and generations of families rarely remain in the same area as they did 50+ years ago. Moreover, because the economy and job market are consistently unstable, it is less likely that a family member would remain living close enough to visit another family member’s grave for an extended period.

It Makes People Feel Good

Scattering Ashes at SeaPeople who have participated in scattering the ashes of a loved one say it is a deeply emotional experience that makes them feel closer to the deceased because they are doing something so personal and meaningful on behalf of the person’s remains.  In addition, knowing they are fulfilling their loved one’s last wish helps them deal with the loss of that person by creating a sense of oneness with his or her spirit. For some, scattering ashes strengthens the emotional bond they had with the deceased by renewing a special spiritual bond that cannot be experienced while alive.  When we allow the wind or water to embrace a loved one’s ashes, we feel deep within ourselves that they are experiencing a rapturous sensation of freedom, vibrant energy and serenity. Scattering ashes because the deceased wanted you to scatter their ashes over the sea, a beach at sunset, into the clouds or over mountains from an airplane can relieve the anger, sadness, guilt and pain of losing that person to the natural processes of birth, maturation and death.

 

More Affordable Than an Expensive Traditional Burial

Unless the deceased had the means to maintain a life insurance policy for 20 or more years, purchasing a traditional funeral is often left up to his or her family members. Caskets are expensive and require you to buy a cemetery plot. Essentially, people just do not have the money for a traditional burial anymore so they are choosing different and less conventional perspectives regarding funeral preparations and the location of a loved one’s final resting place. Today’s society is more concerned with the spiritual and ceremonial aspect of the funeral process and less concerned about the physical disposition of the traditional handling and viewing of the body.

The Going “Green” Movement

Green Ashes
Scattering = Green Footprint

Since the 1990s, “going green” has slowly but steadily improved all aspects of our lives; from recycling items at home, using natural ingredients in cleaning products and taking part in preserving the environment by establishing more animal reserves and protected wildlife areas. This concern over excessive land use and the destruction of forests for commercial purposes has also contributed to the popularity of cremation and scattering a loved one’s ashes. Injecting a body with harmful chemicals and putting it in a man manufactured casket then sealing it in a concrete vault, all to take up space, just isn’t cool anymore.

People are Living Longer and Making Their Own Burial Decisions

In 1900, the average lifespan for U.S. citizens was 46 for men and 48 for women. Today, it is 73 for men and 76 for women. This means that people are living long enough to make their own decisions about their final wishes instead of their relatives making funeral plans. According to surveys asking men and women why they opt for having their ashes scattered, the four main reasons for electing to be cremated are: 1) it is more affordable; 2) greener; 3) simpler to arrange and 4) personal preference. They love the idea of using a bunch of the money they saved on cremation and putting it into a grand celebration of their life in a more party like atmosphere.

 Water and Earth Scattering

Scattering In Ocean
Surfer Gets Scattered

Specially made urns are used to scatter ashes over a body of water or landscape that come in a variety of colors, shapes and styles. They are functional in a way to prevent accidental dispersion of ashes until the scattering ceremony takes place or are tube-like and come with a cap to keep ashes safe until the scattering ceremony. Some scattering urns even convert into a birdhouse following the scattering. Ashes get spread and birds get a new home in which they may continue the cycle of life. Scattering at sea can get a bit messy because of the wind and the waves. Using an urn that’s made to scatter ashes at sea can add ease and dignity to the scattering ceremony itself. Biodegradable urns that float a few minutes allowing people to toss flower petals as the urn drifts, then eventually sinks and dissolves in the water. Ashes are held safely in biodegradable urns until they are buried in the ground or placed in water, where the urn slowly disintegrates and returns to the elements from which it came.

Where and Why Do People Scatter Their Loved One’s Ashes?

The most popular places to scatter cremated remains are naturally meaningful places that the deceased loved and revered. Beaches, lakes, parks, a favorite vacation spot or even the Minneapolis Mall of America are places where “ashes” have been scattered. Over water and in the garden are the two most popular locations. Scattering ashes from a helicopter or small plane while flying above a place that was special to the deceased is also becoming more common.

Scattering Lets Your Spirit Soar
Scattering Lets Your Spirit Soar

Spiritual concepts surrounding the act of scattering a person’s ashes originally come from Hindu and Buddhist beliefs regarding physical, or bodily life. The belief is that the life one lives on Earth is ephemeral and the soul experiences many transmigrations as an eternal but ever-evolving spirit. Over thousands of years, Hindu and Buddhist beliefs concerning cremation were eventually adopted by mystical philosophers, spiritual individuals searching for an alternative to traditional religions and naturalists who wanted to symbolically return themselves to the place from which they came–the Earth.

Scattering Ashes Helps People Through the Grieving Process

After the death of a loved one, people experience five stages of grief–numbness, yearning, guilt, anger and acceptance–in varying intensities. Some may feel more anger than others while some miss the deceased so much they cannot move past the stage of “yearning” towards the final stage of acceptance. Reality may not hit a person until the memorial service is actually underway and they see the body of the deceased resting in

Scattering Ashes
Free At Last!

an open casket.

Following the strange sensation of disassociation after realizing that a loved one has passed away, most people have feelings of numbness replaced by a yearning for the loved one, an almost agitated state that causes moments of extreme anxiety, panic and hopelessness.  Watching the burial of a loved one–the whole process of lowering the casket into the grave and later, visiting the grave after it has been filled in with mounds of dirt–can be more upsetting than the actual passing away of the deceased. Although the belief that a person’s soul leaves the body at death dominates most Western religions, it is still hard to think about someone you loved very much as a body buried underground.

Cremation Jewelry and Keepsake Urns
–Another Way to Always Feel Close to a Loved One

Ashes Jewelry
Jewelry To Hold Ashes

In addition to scattering ashes, you can keep some of the loved one’s ashes always with you by placing a small amount of the ashes in cremation keepsake urns or jewelry pieces.  Cremation jewelry comes in three different styles: the kind filled by the customer, jewelry made with cremation ashes integrated into glass beads and jewelry made from the actual ashes.  After a scattering ceremony, cremation jewelry keepsakes are beautiful mementos that can help those having a difficult time with the grieving process hold onto their loved one in a symbolic way for as long as they want without needing to make an emotionally difficult visit to a grave site. This is why it’s always a good idea to retain a portion of ashes to be shared with surviving family and friends.

Jeff Staab is a funeral director in southern Vermont. A certified Life Cycle Celebrant. He owns and operates www.cremationsolutions.com and is a cremation memorial and ash scattering specialist. When he’ not dreaming up the next cool cremation product he enjoys adventure in the mountains and on the sea, cooking for friends, social responsibility and green living. He can be reached at jeff@cremationsolutions.com

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