As a funeral director for over twenty years I have become pretty jaded to the weird and basically stupid questions that people ask. If you’re in the funeral biz then you know exactly what I’m talking about. After all most professionals are asked questions that take thought and consideration in hopes that you may lend some educated advice or insight into your area of expertise. Instead funeral professionals are constantly called on to dispel myths and urban legends of bodies sitting up and hair and finger nails growing.
Your first few years you are ready and armed with text book facts that will dispel such interesting questions. Like actually the skin just dehydrates around the nails and causes them to appear to get longer….. BORING! Now your some kind of Mort the geek. Continue on and explain how hard it is even for the living to sit up and how ridicules the question is because of how many muscles working in harmony it would take for something as inanimate as the dead to rise up! and now chicks will really start to dig you….NOT! So after a few years of breaking myths and popping bubbles it becomes quite boring so you start shrugging off the questions and changing the subject….Boring! again not winning over any friends here.
Now that I am a well seasoned funeral director and have heard just about all of it, I am starting to understand how these bizarre urban myths and questions that pry deep into my deviant sexual tendencies have become the gotta know questions of the week. “It’s much more fun to lie”.
Yeah that’s right! I can now explain in great depth as why it continually blows my mind that so many bodies actually sit up and how freaky it is that their nails grow so freaking fast you would think us embalmers were injecting miracle grow. Once I get a feel for how gullible my stupid friends are I can start creating some of my own myths that will surly intrigue even my most ghoulish of acquaintances. One of my favorites was how back in mortuary school we would connect electrodes to the bottoms of their feet using a car battery and how easy it was to actually get the bodies to laugh and chuckle so loud we had to shut all the door so others in the building couldn’t hear all the commotion. If this one keeps the questions coming I can lay it on so thick that eventually even my really twisted ghoul friends will soon realize I am completely full of shit and they will feel like the inconsiderate dumb asses they truly are!
Did you know that if you put a speaker up to the dead’s ear and crank it really load you can get the eyes to open and close!
Here are some of the classics stupid questions as well as some new ones shared from my funeral friends
At least you client don’t talk back to you
Must be pretty cool driving around in those fancy cars all day
Nobody care if your late for work
I hear that smoking embalming fluid is really great
Do you ever get any hot chicks on your slab
Do you ever get grossed out
Have you had to work with any good accident victims
I see dead people and have embalmed about 3000 of the faithfully departed. Don’t believe me? Smell my fingers!
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