New Years Resolution For Funeral Directors… Listen!

Funeral Planning — Stating The Options is Not Listening

Most funeral directors know that one of the most important traits that someone in the funeral industry can possess is being a good listener. The problem is that most of us are so busy talking that we forget to really engage in listening. However, superior listening skills are essential to being a good, effective and compassionate funeral director. At a time when grief hampers the communication skills of most clients, being able to determine what a person is truly saying and truly wants is crucial. There is a lot of information being shared when funeral arrangements are being made. We need to not only be good listeners but also be able to create a trusting environment that stimulates the important conversations that need to take place. Fortunately, good listening skills can be learned.

The basics of good listening skills

Being an effective listener is a skill, just like reading or writing good letters. Some of the tenets of being a good listener include…

1. Assume everyone has something interesting to say. Everyone who is truly speaking from their heart has interesting and thought-provoking things to share, maintains Nancy Kline in her book, “Time to Think.” Throw aside any assumptions or pre-conceived opinions based on a person’s dress, age or address.

2. Create conditions that are right for listening…and sharing. The best conditions for sharing information (and for listening) are situations where there is little tension. Such spaces are quiet, gentle and unhurried. For funeral directors and their staff, this means creating a peaceful oasis where you can meet clients as well as leaving your phone and other electronic devices behind in your office. You might also want to have soothing music playing and a calm décor, even a scented candle burning can help. Allow more time than you think you might need. You don’t want to be fidgeting or looking at your watch while you are trying to listen. These actions all hinder good listening and good sharing. The family you are serving should feel like they only family you are serving when handling funeral arrangments.

3. Pay attention. This may sound obvious, but too many times we are busy thinking about what we have to do next or what we are going to say in return that we miss a large part of what a person is saying to us. On average, only 20 percent of what we hear makes it into our short term memory! No wonder effective communication is so tricky.

Another interesting thing happens when we pay attention, according to Kline–the person speaking enunciates more clearly and organizes his or her thoughts more succinctly. In short, the better we listen, the better they speak and the better we communicate. The logic is simple; when our thoughts wander and we pay poor attention, the speaker starts to feel like they aren’t valued and what they are saying isn’t important. They become self-conscious, hampering their communication skills. In the funeral industry, where many of the people we speak with are already stressed by grief, paying attention is especially important.

Paying attention also means no interrupting and not finishing the other person’s sentences. As a funeral director, it also means waiting until the person has finished what they intended to say before offering advice. Be prepared to ask pointed questions and converse about everyday things that will open doors that might not otherwise open. Many people are usually private about their family and loved one’s. Building trust and getting people to understand that to make a funeral as special and unique as the life lived, we need and have this one chance to make a funeral personal. Too often, we are tempted to pigeon-hole a client into a funeral plan we’ve used many times before…whether or not that’s what the client wants. Today more then ever the easy way is not the way when it comes to meaningful funerals. Using the services of a certified funeral Celebrant will also help create a more personalized and meaningful funeral or memorial, because Celebrants are more trained to draw out and capture the kind of information that can be used in a more personal ceremony. Clergy does not usually use such an extensive interview process and some do not meet with the family at all. It just kills me when the clergy will read the obituary as part of the ceremony (Huge Fail).

4. Don’t think for the speaker. Helping people doesn’t always mean thinking for them. You might assume that since you are the funeral expert and they are coming to you for help that it’s up to you to decide what’s best for them. A better plan of action is to hear them out. Often customers will tell you what the best solution to their perceived problems are if you wait for them to finish talking and not jump right in with your perfect “solution.” In general, advises Kline, people are more apt to be happy with the outcome if they arrive at the solution themselves than when you tell them what they should do.

Are women better listeners?

Pop culture has maintained for years that women are better listeners than men. How many jokes have you heard where the wife exclaims, “You just don’t listen to me” to her husband? There is actually some valid science behind this claim. It seems that men and women process language and communication differently. Men listen with half of their brain, while women engage their entire brain while listening. The jury is out whether that finding makes women better at listening. However, if you have a female on your staff, you might want to include adding interviews with prospective clients to her job description. According to at least one study, women ARE more empathetic than men.

Listening to the generations

The listening skills that have worked well for you over the years in your business may not be the ones that will serve you well in the future. Increasingly, we are dealing with members of the large baby boomer generation as their elderly parents begin to pass away. Soon, it will be their children (and grandchildren) with whom will be talking about end-of-life arrangements. These younger clients are more direct and less patient, in general, and will require us to have additional listening skills to be the best funeral service providers we can be.

Listening to Baby Boomers. The Baby Boomer generation (those born between 1946 and 1964) are currently in the midst of making end-of-life arrangements for their parents as well as pre-planning their own funerals. This is an independent generation who are used to doing things their own way. They want funerals to be more personalized, to be more life celebrations and less somber affairs. This generation is more apt to break the traditional funeral “norms” and opt for things like contemporary music, a celebrant instead of a priest and a beach setting instead of a church. This group is also embracing more enthusiastically the concept of pre-planning their own funerals. With more than 76 million Baby Boomers in the United States (one quarter of the US population), this could become a very lucrative market for those in the funeral industry. Given this generation’s need for customization, good listening skills will be more important than ever.
Listening to Millennials. Millennials are those born in the 1980s through the early 21st century. In many cases, these are the children of Baby Boomers. Unlike their parents, these consumers are much more technology-oriented. For funeral directors, that may mean being able to communicate with them via Skype or Facetime rather than in person. This group is also more likely to prefer texts to phone calls. However, changing the technology doesn’t mean that you can stop listening. You just have to adjust your approach to make them feel the most comfortable. One additional caveat about this group: ignore them at your peril. While taking the wrong approach or not listening to a Baby Boomer may lose you a client, ignoring a Millennial will also lose you their friends and their social contacts. This generation is much more social and much more willing to share their positive (and negative) experiences than their parents.

The bottom line

As we approach the end of the year and the beginning of 2016, now is a great time to evaluate your listening skills and see where there might be room for improvement. As our clientele shifts to include younger generations, the future of our businesses may just depend on it.

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From Ashes Comes Art

Grief over the loss of a loved one can be a life-changing experience. In most cases, people may cease crying or even get used to a new life routine, but they never stop missing their loved one who has passed on. Cremation glass urns and keepsakes help people feel close to their lost loved ones in a way that is uniquely beautiful and incredibly comforting. Cremation Solutions offers glass memorial art that features a small amount of a loved one’s ashes that have been carefully incorporated into the glass during the production process. The result is an eye-catching work of art that can forever remind you that the essence of your beloved family member or pet is always close.

Ashes into Art

History is associated with various rituals and practices associated with the use of memorial ashes. Some family members prefer to keep their loved one’s ashes in tradition urns in their home. Others choose to bury their loved one’s ashes or scatter them at a location that was special to their loved one. In recent years, families have opted to transform some of their loved one’s ash into an imaginative work of glass art where their loved one’s ash may be seen swirling within the glass itself. These extraordinary keepsakes offer families a dynamic way to marry the essence of a loved one with a custom-made glass object that can be placed in mantles or even bedroom nightstands.

Creating a Custom Glass Keepsake

Cremation Solutions offers a myriad of memorial glass art styles. Once a customer decides on a style and color for their glass urn or keepsake, they contact the company. At this point, Cremation Solutions will send out a special kit that informs that customer how much ash is needed to showcase in their glass art. All ash is kept strictly separate, so customers need never worry about any mingling of ash during the entire process. Any extra ash will be securely returned along with the complete glass art.

To create the beautiful glass orbs and sculptural glass memorials, Cremation Solutions works with a team of highly skilled glass artisans and artists, one of whom will be creating your custom artwork. During the creation process, glass artists will hand-blow your orb or other selected glass keepsake and carefully infuse it with your loved one’s ashes. During the process, temperatures run extremely high—higher even than the cremation process. The result is that the carbon is burned off the ashes so that they turn a breathtaking white, which can be seen swirling within the glass itself. Once the object is completed, the artisan will allow it to cool, which takes anywhere from 12-48 hours, depending on what size object you’ve commissioned.

Selecting Your Glass Urn or Keepsake Style

Cremation Solutions offers more than forty different styles for customers to select from when commissioning a glass orb or glass keepsake memorial. Styles are available in recycled as well as non-recycled glass. The recycled glass orbs will be created in emerald green, as these are made from 100% recycled glass from wine and beer bottles. Non-recycled glass memorial art objects can feature other colors like jewel tones available in shades of amethyst, ruby, sapphire, and many more.

Glass art from ashes — Glass Flowers For Giving…

Customers can specify their color of choice for any of the presented styles. Cremation Solutions offers sculptural shapes like glass ornaments, flower stems, hearts, and icicle shapes even turtles and frogs. They also feature orbs and fountain-style glass objects. If selecting a style is difficult, talk to other family members or close friends of your loved one. The customer representatives at Cremation Solutions are also extremely helpful and can offer some advice to help you finalize your selection.

Once you do settle on your custom art object, you can be assured of the care and skilled workmanship that goes into every glass work. Unlike other forms of art that may fall in and out of fashion, these objects are true heirlooms that offer a timeless memorial to someone special and dear to you. Our customers report how comforted they feel once their glass art arrives and they can display it where it can offer solace and remind them that some wonderful essence of their loved one is still with them.

Our Featured Glass Sculptural Memorials

Ashes made into a turtle — A Sculpture Representative of The Cycle of Life…

We invite customers to spend time viewing our custom glass remembrances. Each presented style is one you might choose to memorialize the ashes of your loved one or even beloved pet. Our fountain styles our available in two sizes; one stands 4 inches high and the other stands 5.5 inches high. These elegant glassworks have the look of vintage hand-blown paperweights that can be featured in glass hutch or even placed on your desk so that it’s there with you whenever you sit down to work.

We also offer breathtaking flame art glass that makes for a dramatic display of hand-blown glass and ash. These objects showcase the tremendous skill of our team of artisans. Our glass orbs and hearts are also popular shapes to consider. Within these figural objects, the ashes are enveloped in their center. Our Timeless Sphere Ornament Collection features ornaments that can be hung in windows

or anywhere you want to show off their beauty.We even figure animals shapes like frogs and turtles that are simply stunning and perfect for families whose loved one enjoyed nature. Be sure to see our figural flower stems that are truly breathtaking memorials. In the end, we want you to choose the style that is right for you and your family. We also feature mahogany bases that are outfitted with LED lights—perfect for displaying your custom art glass memorial.

Glass Encasements — Objects of Meaning Can be Preserved in Glass

Be sure to contact Cremation Solutions for help selecting your glass urn or keepsake or if you have any questions about the ordering process or glass-making process. We’ve tried to keep our ordering platform simple and streamlined, but we want you to contact us if you have questions regarding any aspect of your custom glass creation. We’re here to assist you in any way we can!

Bringing The Funeral Home…..Home

Have you ever attended a funeral at a church, funeral home or memorial chapel, and thought, “Wow, this just isn’t for me?”

If so, you’re not alone – home funerals are growing in popularity across the country. Gen-Xer’s,Baby Boomers, Hipsters and Millennials are seeking to transform institutional, cookie-cutter grieving rituals into personalized experiences that reflect the values, beliefs and wishes of the deceased, and in many cases, that means holding an intimate home funeral in lieu of a formal service.

Home funeral advocates claim that home funeral services allow loved ones more time to experience a healthy, natural grieving process – without the formality and unfamiliarity that often comes with holding a funeral in a strange, sterile place. Others suggest that home funerals help to make the passing of a friend or family member easier, because holding a funeral at home lets mourners spend time together in a warm, personal environment. Sometimes in the actual home of the newly departed, whats more personal then that!

And speaking of environments, environmentalists are among the growing list of home funeral advocates, thanks to the eco-friendly nature of holding a service at home, and skipping chemical-laden processes such as embalming. I on the other hand see no reason to not have the body embalmed even for home funerals (They Just Look Better). Don’t confuse home funerals with green burial, were just talking about the location of the funeral or visitation, you can

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still have burial or cremation in the traditional sense.

Some experts have contributed the rise in popularity of ‘alternative funerals’ to the growth of hospice services, and the corresponding awareness around issues related to dying and death. As more and more people consider how, and where, they’d like to draw their final breath, the topic of funerals and cremations has now evolved into a social movement. Anytime family members actually talk about final wishes and discuss needs and wants it’s a good thing! “Have The Talk” check out The Conversation Project.

The Cost of Home Funerals

According to the National Funeral Directors Association, the average cost of an adult funeral, complete with viewing and burial, is $8,508 (2014) – a cost that has increased by 29.3% in just 10 years.

By contrast, the average cost of a simple cremation in the United States is approximately $1100, and simple urns can be purchased for under $200.

The actual cost of holding a home funeral is highly variable, with lavish events running upwards of $20,000 or more, and simple services running anywhere from $200-$1000. Factors that impact the cost of a home funeral include:

Whether or not the body is prepared for viewing prior to burial or cremation
If a casket is used, and if so, the price of the casket (or materials, if it’s homemade)
Cost of floral arrangements
Hiring an officiant (such as a celebrant, priest, pastor or minister)
Catering services/ chair rental
Alcohol and beverages
Purchasing dry ice (to preserve a non-embalmed body for viewing)
Cleaning services to prepare the home for guests
Entertainment (musicians, poets and/or singers)

Some grassroots-level home funeral advocates suggest cutting the cost of a home funeral by using a home-built casket made from recycled materials, and asking mourners to bring food to share, pot-luck style. Other cost-cutting measures include forgoing a casket altogether and either having direct cremation prior to the home funeral, or simply leaving the deceased lying in their own bed after their body has been properly washed and prepared for viewing.

Home Funerals – Reviving Old Traditions

While the concept of a home funeral might seem unusual in today’s aseptic world, the fact is that home funerals were the norm until the mid-1800’s, when funeral homes began to pop up across America. In many areas, home funerals were commonplace through to the mid-1950’s and beyond.

Prior to the advent of modern funeral homes, families would care for their own deceased, by preparing the body, and holding vigil over the casket in the parlor room

, kitchen or bedroom. Many estate homes even featured a ‘death door’ – a concealed

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door leading directly outdoors from the parlor, allowing for easy removal of caskets.

Modern embalming is also a relatively new process, developed during the U.S. Civil War as a way to preserve the bodies of soldiers killed on the battlefield. Dr. Thomas Holmes found that by replacing all the blood in deceased bodies with a solution containing arsenic, decomposition could be delayed, providing wealthy families who could pay the embalming fee with enough time to transport their loved ones home for their final goodbye. Ironically, Dr. Holmes requested that he not be embalmed upon his own passing.

Is A Home Funeral Legal?

The last thing grieving family and friends holding a home funeral want to deal with is a run-in with the local authorities, so if you’re considering hosting an at-home service at some point in the future, it’s a good idea to check on the applicable laws in your area.

According the National Home Funeral Alliance, “in every state and province it is legal for families to bring or keep their loved one home until time of disposition (burial or cremation).” However, it’s important to note that depending on where you live, you may be required by law to involve a funeral director in your home funeral plans.

So, the simple answer is yes, home funerals are perfectly legal throughout North America (and no, embalming is not required by law).

The Home Funeral Advantage

Although home funerals aren’t for everyone, those who have experienced “home death care” first-hand say that the experience is perfectly natural. It allows for a completely personalized, customized funeral that is not bound by morticians’ schedules or the cost constraints associated with ‘traditional’ services, providing family and friends with the chance to say goodbye – on their own terms.

In some cases, the deceased have the opportunity to plan their own home funerals, choosing everything from the food they’d like served to the clothes they’d like to be cremated in. Even the actual funeral or memorial ceremony can be planned in advance. Today some prefer a less religious ceremony and opt for a more personal and spiritual ceremony. For this style of ceremony I recommend you employ the services of a certified “Funeral Celebrant. You can locate a celebrant in your area here. Celebrant Foundation and Institute. You can also hire a celebrant to write the ceremony but have someone else like a friend or well spoken family member officiate. Celebrant Writing Service. Advocates say this process is great for everyone, providing time for everyone to be included in the home funeral process. In the long run, this can help with the healing process.

If you’d like to learn more about cremation and the home funeral experience, contact your local home funeral advocacy association or better yet ask your local funeral home if they can arrange for home funerals.

If you’d like to learn more about cremation and the home funeral experience, contact your local home funeral advocacy association. In some cases, the deceased have the opportunity to plan their own home funerals, choosing everything from the food they’d like served to the clothes they’d like to be cremated in. Advocates say this process is great for everyone, providing time for everyone to be included in the home funeral process. In the long run, this can help with the healing process.

Why Celebrants Are Positioned to Preform The Majority of American Funerals!

WHAT! well it’s all true after one of the most extensive surveys and research ever conducted with the American publics attitudes towards funerals, all signs points to vast majority of the public would choose to use a Certified Celebrant for their loved one’s funeral. The problem is that the vast majority of the public still doesn’t know what a Celebrant is. And many funeral professionals still have their heads in the sand as to the value of offering Celebrant style ceremonies.

This post is in conclusion of our on-going series relating to the 2012 Funeral Foundation Study performed by Olson Zaltman Associates; which confirmed what many in the funeral professional already know: there is growing dissatisfaction among consumers with what can be called the “traditional funeral”. You may remember the conversation got started way back in November of last year with “Public Opinion Concludes Funeral Service Has Dropped the Ball!” where I noted the study found there is no emotional or psychological transformation at a typical funeral. In fact, most respondents felt the event left attendees feeling sad and depressed; instead “they yearn to connect with the life that was well lived”.

As the series continued, it should have become clear that I felt there was a solution: Certified Celebrants who are trained to make and energize those connections. But there’s something getting in the way, and that’s consumer ignorance: in a really casual survey of folks on Facebook, Kim discovered most folks have little or no idea what a celebrant even is or can do for them. And some of those people (believe it) were funeral professionals.

“Okay, Remind Me Again: What is a Celebrant?”

In words from the home page of the Celebrant Foundation & Institute) “celebrants are individuals trained to compose and perform the highest quality personalized ceremonies for couples, individuals and organizations.” I wrote about celebrants and what I thought they could do for the funeral profession in a blog post earlier this year, “How Celebrants Can Help the Funeral Industry“:

“In the current social environment there are many people who do not define themselves as religious, thus they may prefer to keep religion out of the funeral ceremony. Instead they may prefer to celebrate the life of the deceased live with stories, music, and videos. They may want to share funny or poignant stories that show who they were in life. Grieving family members may ask for certain songs to be played instead of hymns, certain poetry recited rather than psalms. A funeral celebrant understands these different expectations and can help…say goodbye the way they want to say it: with meaning, with words, with love, and with joy.”

When asked to describe the “perfect” ceremony a participant in the study summed up the consensus of all: “It’s closing the book. We all have books, we all have chapters. We have our history and experiences. It’s a summation of events.” Families and individuals today want the event to be a celebratory summation that cements the legacy of the meaning of one’s life; one where the personality, talents, gifts and even the quirks–those things which made that person unique and memorable—are “center stage”. The mood, according to the study participants, should be “Transformative one of true celebration, not grief”. They want to feel better, not worse, for the experience.

What’s All This about Transformation?

It seems we human beings enjoy seeing transformation happen before our eyes; just consider the “oohs and ahhs” from the audience during a performance of a really talented magician. We enjoy watching the sky lighten at sunrise; and we often eagerly anticipate both the colors of sunset and the first star sighting which follows.

And we really enjoy reading or watching stories of personal transformation. A favorite of mine is Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol“, first published in London in December of 1843. To this day (some 172 years later) people the world over continue to enjoy this story of a bitter, greedy, and totally unhappy man who is transformed (thanks to intervention by the ghost of his dead business partner) into a loving, gentle man. The kind of fellow you’d really like to call “a friend”.

As humans part of us hungers for transformative experiences like his; we hold onto the memories from a profoundly meaningful episode in our life which caused us to become “more” than what we were before. That’s exactly what a certified funeral celebrant brings to a family’s and a community’s experience of loss. And here’s the thing: a celebrant initiates transformation in a couple of different ways.

Certified Celebrant Kim Kirkley was quick to tell us of the transformative power of the event itself: “Unlike marriages or other ceremonies, funerals go to the heart of what it means to be human.” And if you read her story online at her funeral celebrancy website Life Story Funeral NYC you’ll find this beautifully-worded observation: “It is one of the few occasions where we have the chance to stand in the power of ceremony and notice that each of our lives has meaning.”

Yes, the celebrant-led service can transform sadness and enrich emotional connections; but there’s something she’s discovered during her years of service: transformation doesn’t just happen during the service. The very process of preparing for a funeral or memorial service with a celebrant enriches the overall experience of loss for families; the interview process, the memories shared and the review of the events and accomplishments within the deceased life becomes a long-remembered “milestone moment” for them, where this sought-after transformation takes place.

What’s It Like to Work with a Certified Funeral Celebrant?

Kristan McNames provides insight into the process in her guest blog post, “How Becoming a Funeral Celebrant Transformed My Funeral Home; as did celebrant Kim Kirkley during her interview with Kim. Despite the fact both were trained at different institutions, there are processual similarities. Both women have a set of questions which acts as a framework for an informal interview either in person or over the phone. “I’ve found that with several open ended questions, it’s fairly simple to get most people to open up and share stories and memories,” wrote Kristan. “I follow all of the guidelines that I was taught in the celebrant training.

Humans Connect — Making The Connections Towards Transformation

Both celebrants try to include as many family members and friends as possible in the interview segment of the creative process. Once they feel they’re ready, each steps away into solitude to write the presentation which is shown to the family representative prior to its public delivery. (In fact, it is a part of the Celebrant Institute’s Code of Ethics “to ensure that clients have complete choice of and final say over their ceremonies, and that the Celebrant’s personal beliefs are immaterial to this process.” This caveat “encourages clients in choosing and/or approving a ceremony that is satisfying to them.”)

Kristan concludes “Celebrant services are really a reflection of the life of the deceased. They give family members and friends an outlet to share their stories and express their grief. They’re not just for people that don’t have a church affiliation, or for those who consider themselves atheist, agnostic, or humanist. People with longstanding relationships with traditional denominations can benefit from a celebrant service as well. A Celebrant style of ceremony can be held as a part of or can be followed by a traditional Funeral Mass officiated by their parish priest. Tradition and modern funeral customs can co-exist.”

Will Celebrants Ever Become Mainstream?

If we can take our casual Facebook survey results to heart (where we found very few people knew what duties a celebrant performed) it would be a short leap to the assumption that celebrancy will never “take off” in the United States. But Charlotte Eulette of the Celebrant Foundation and Institute would stop us in our mental tracks. In a recent interview she noted certified celebrants perform 40,000 ceremonies a year in this country and that number grows each year. She was even instrumental in the January 2014 signing by New Jersey Governor Christie of legislation adding “civil celebrant(s) who (are) certified by the Secretary of State to solemnize marriage or civil unions” to the list of individuals that are statutorily empowered to do so. (Read more on the New Jersey State Department of State Certified Civil Celebrants page. “This is an avalanche that’s happening. It’s huge. It’s not happened yet, but in the next 20 years, there’s no doubt it will become mainstream.” (We Have Proof) in Australia where the celebrant concept began over 25 years ago, weddings and funerals are NOW! being officiated by vast majority by Celebrants.

Here’s something else: if you’re a funeral home owner, adding celebrant services to your firm’s offerings can transform your business. It’s not just my opinion: Kristan McNames, CFSP and co-owner of Grace Funeral & Cremation Services thinks so too (enough so that she became a certified celebrant through the In-Sight Institute in 2012). In the post mentioned earlier, she wrote “We only have one chance to rock it, to make it memorable; to make sure that everyone in attendance leaves the room feeling like the time they spent meant something. There are too many meaningless funerals with those in attendance just going through the motions, too many people telling me at community events that they want to be cremated and thrown to the wind, too many people with funeral horror stories. It makes me sick, and makes me fear for the future of my profession. We have only one chance to get it all right. And becoming a Certified Funeral Celebrant has helped me get one step closer to getting it right for the families I serve.”

I couldn’t have said it better. But I’m sad to say Kristan is an exception rather than the rule: most of the funeral home owners and directors I’ve spoken to about celebrants stand in the other “camp”; the one where celebrants are viewed with caution. One director honestly confided “I’m not big on them. I’ve seen two. It’s all nice and everything, but I don’t think it does it for me. I think it’s strictly a fad.”

Celebrant Elizabeth Phaire says that celebrant ceremonies serve a genuine need, and with each of the over 50 funerals she has officiated awareness grows of her highly personalize services. She has experienced a steady increase in the adoption of celebrant services from funeral directors in her area. She is being requested more and more from both the public and the funeral homes she works with, and has received only positive feedback.

In Sight

Glenda Stansbury of the In-Sight Institute is a practicing celebrant, adjunct professor at the University of Central Oklahoma Funeral Department and a licensed funeral director/embalmer) believes most funeral professionals see celebrants as quasi-clergy, which significantly limits their acceptance of their services. Even Kristan McNames was cautious and states that she “didn’t do anything” with her celebrant training for a long time because she “didn’t want to offend the clergy connections our funeral home had (and depended on).” Elizabeth does not see a conflict with clergy, the families she serves request a non-traditional Officiant and without her help would have no one to officiate.

Recently after Elizabeth served an interfaith family who lost a 19 year old to a drug overdose, the funeral director thanked her and said “Elizabeth, no one does what you do”. He was referring to the way she was able to work with the family’s multiple religious and spiritual beliefs, and weave them with creative rituals into a meaningful ceremony that was a comfort to all in attendance. Through the extensive and healing interview process that celebrants use, she captures the essence of the deceased as a person, and the many ways their life impacted loved ones and the world. She designs ceremonial elements that are emotionally significant to the family to the family, and facilitates their expression of grief and love. An intensive amount of work and expertise goes into guiding the family and creating a fitting ceremony for their unique needs, which speaks to the value of a certified Celebrant. Glenda’s very cautious about the idea that funeral directors can also be effective celebrants. “I love the concept, but there are major time constraints which make it hard, if not impossible to do both jobs well. Instead she advocates a funeral director partner with a celebrant and act as a “Master of Ceremonies” to introduce the celebrant and retain “ownership” of the family and the service.

There is hope for widespread acceptance of celebrants, sooner rather than later (20 years does seem like a long time to wait). In fact, the International Cemetery, Cremation and Funeral Association feels strongly enough about the worth and transformative power of celebrants to have committed to publishing articles written by celebrant trainer Glenda Stansbury, as well as stories from experienced celebrants like Linda Haddon, who works with Evans Funeral Chapel in Anacortes, Washington. In her 2014 ICCFA Magazine article “A Celebrant’s Goal: Wow! Every Family, Every Service” she wrote: “Celebrant services provide the best advertising you can have—word of mouth raves about what people can expect from your services. These services do involve more time and effort, from the family interview to the composing of the service, the staging, coordination of music and other detail. This is why the fee a Celebrant charges can easily be double the amount of the usual clergy donation fee. But if you weigh the importance of a well crafted funeral ceremony against all the other charges associated with a funeral, the cost of hiring a certified celebrant is the biggest bargain on the funeral bill! ” She ends on a cautionary note: “But these days, funeral professionals to not offer celebrant services isn’t really a choice, unless you choose to slowly but surely watch your funeral home go out of business. I guarantee, if you don’t offer families the choice of unique, personalized services, someone else will.”

Here Are Links to Previous Articles in This Series

Public Opinion Concludes Funeral Service Has Dropped The Ball!

Why People May Hate Your Funeral Home + “Remedies”

How Consumers See Today’s Funerals (and What We Can Do about It) Part 3

Erasing The Fear of Funerals

“LIVE FOREVER”…… As A Hologram

It’s part of the human condition to feel the need to somehow effect the future after we have passed. We think of past generations, and future as well, and long to be connected somehow to those who came before and those who will come after. We want to leave something behind, some part of ourselves that will go on forever. At the same time, we want to hold onto those who have passed and who have come before us. Family heirlooms, old photos, and other physical mementos may bring us links to those in our past and fill in clues about who these people were, but they often serve to leave more questions than answers.

But what if we could ask our ancestors – or historical leaders, or greatest minds from history – questions about their lives? What if we could leave answers for future generations, a chance to reach out and allow them to bear witness to our stories? Thanks to advances in hologram technology, instead of trying to piece together a history after death you can now provide a “living” history for future generations to connect with.

The Way it was Before the advent of the internet, most of us would be remembered through an oral history passed down from generation to generation. Depending on the ability of our families to record and pass on these events, our lives would often be distilled down into a few quaint representations.

Most people still relate this way to their grandparents and great grandparents. From anecdotes and a few pictures, a very basic picture forms of their lives. However, for every generation that passes, more and more of the story is lost, until all that is left is a headstone representing a far-away life to which no one can relate.

Just look at the history of your own family. How much can you piece together of the generations before you? Only the leaders of our nations, war heroes or figures of significance are recorded throughout our history. These stories form the basis of our social fabric and allow us collectively to portray a societal memory. Unfortunately, it is a story of the few, one that frays around the edges and becomes blurry the more you delve into the lives of individuals.

The Way it Is

Today, when you think about providing your legacy to your family is a gift that will influence generations! You definitely have a few more options than the hundreds of generations before you. Technology has come a long way in helping us to preserve and create the stories of our lives; personal histories today can be much more in depth because of social media, the pervasive use of videos and cameras and even to a lesser extent the ease to get a memoir writer to compose your life’s story.

Timelines and news feeds are simply too new to offer many baby boomers and those born before the age of the internet the ability to provide a true recorded history of their lives. Of course these social media platforms offer an amazing view into the everyday lives of many people today and will become a treasure trove for future historians, autobiographers and memoir writers. Unfortunately, for many people that picture is still incomplete as it only covers half or less of their lives.

Funeral Tribute Video's — Funeral Tribute Video’s

Visual imagery – photo slideshows and collages, videos – is a preferred medium for many funeral services. A story told without words, without a true memory except for the visual representation of that history. The camera has been the tool for recording our personal histories for almost 100 years. Yet, how much can we learn from these pictures? A picture may speak a thousand words, but for every photo there are thousands more unspoken words that leave gaps in our stories.

But what if you could offer future generations your story, as you want to, direct from your lips in an interactive way that not only tells a story but engages your audience?

Matt Lauer Shows How it Soon Could Be

The advance of hologram technology offers a huge leap forward in interactivity. A holographic image recorder uses mirrors and laser light capture technology to create a “picture” that is more of a pattern than a stationary image. It provides a way to record an individual within a pattern to portray them much more accurately than a still image.

However, this is only a small portion of what this great technology can now do. Holograms as popularized by Hollywood show a conversation through space and time that allow a much deeper connection than a typical memoir, memorial video or still image. Up until now, this was simply a Hollywood notion. The 3D Hologram Time Capsule has become a reality, revolutionizing the way you not only tell your story, but allowing you to connect with your descendants.

A group of researchers led by the USC’s Shoah Foundation has created a way to record the information you want and provide it to your ancestors in a much more usable and engaging way. The new Hologram 3D Time Capsule records the person’s responses to anywhere from 100-1000 questions about their lives. This is recorded with voice recognition software and compiled by an algorithm to seek out patterns of questions and answers.

Now, not only do you have a 3D image of the person being remembered, but an interactive discussion can be had between the holographic individual and the person interested in their life. Loved ones and descendants for generations will be able to ask Grampa Jack, “What was it really like to fight in World War II?” In this example, Grampa Jack would be able to directly relate their experience in World War II and even provide answers to follow up questions.

Imagine the possibilities! This new process allows for not only a live image hologram interaction, giving a sense of depth perception simply not possible in still images or videos, but also a much more accurate depiction of yourself. Think of the way your mannerisms and body language can portray so much about your personality that is not always available in a still image. For people to have a conversation with your live recorded hologram hundreds of years from now will provide that special interaction as if you were standing right next to them.

Future Memorials

The future of human history is exciting, not only because of the progress we all expect, but because remembering our past has become so much easier. You will be able to impart within your family a much better understanding of your life-long struggles and achievements. These are the bedrock of the human condition.

The 3D Hologram Time Capsule, even in its most basic form, can provide a great social interaction that current memoirs, video montages or pictures simply will never reach. Imagine being able to start a family archive of Hologram Time Capsules that can truly weave the story of your family’s history into a long narrative. This narrative will provide invaluable history, lessons and your family’s greatest moments and sorrowful losses.

I predict these holograms will enter the funeral and memorial industry with an overwhelming positive reaction from those that have been able to leave a truly interactive “living legacy.” I can see it now….. You can choose from small facial holograms to full body holograms and from a small history to large full life interactions.

If you want to truly make an impact and lasting impression for your loved ones and their descendants, the only way to truly make that last is a 3D Hologram Time Capsule. This technology is even being considered for other applications, especially in the educational fields, because of its truly remarkable interactive ability.

Personal Urn for Ashes — Don’t Forget to Get a 3-D Printed Head Urn For Your Ashes as Seen Here

However, the most compelling use is still the ability it gives the average person to tell their story in a much more engaging way following their passing. It would be a great idea for those parents that know their terminal illness will take them away from their children. It can provide a comforting interaction and a way to truly leave a lasting impression on your children as they grow. Think of the many ways the Hologram Time Capsule could simply improve your ability to tell your story to future generations.

Erasing The Fear of Funerals

“So, How Was The Funeral?”

I Got Through it OK..... — I Got Through it OK…..

Ask someone that question and you’ll probably hear, “Oh, you know…” And most of us really do know what the person means to say, but few can find the words to describe our emotional reaction to that question. There are clues hidden in the answer, though: people don’t talk about the funeral home, the brand new hearse or how thoughtful the funeral director was. They talk about the funeral and how it made them feel.

But when prodded, participants in the 2012 Funeral Foundation Study found the right words – and quite a few of them, at that. None were positively impressed by the experience. They described a traditional funeral as being like a lonely, lifeless tomb: suffocating, confining, cold, sterile, lifeless, and dark. After the service, family and friends remain sad and disconnected. In short, “it’s just about death and death is depressing,” the service makes them feel “sad and lonely,“ “there is nothing positive about it,” and absolutely “nobody wants to go to a funeral.”

Why are traditional funerals usually so sad? It’s easy to understand, really: it’s about fear. Death has always frightened us, and when we’re face-to-face with it, we’re scared, sad and uncomfortable. It’s so big, and so capricious; death can take any one of us at any time. Who wants to stare that reality in the face for very long? No one does, and the prospect of having to do so can make us scared–an emotional reaction which is akin to sadness. In fact, the emotions of fear, sadness and anger arise in the same part of the brain, the amygdala. No wonder they feel so much the same!

Death is scary; it always has been. The death-related rituals humans have created over thousands of years commonly share expressions of this fear, and little evolution has occurred is our emotional reactions. As Curtis Rostad, CFSP, penned in his book The Basics of Funeral Service, “We would like to think that in these modern times, our state of enlightenment would have totally dispensed with such thinking, but such is not the case. Even today, death is approached from a standpoint of fear.” From my experience I would say the more we avoid the thought of someone dying, the scarier it is when the reaper comes a-knockin’. People are sent off to nursing homes and then to die in hospitals; death is set off to the side of society. Those families more involved leading up to death are more in touch with the reality of death when it comes. Hospice helps a lot with keeping death real but as any seasoned funeral director will tell you, hospice has no clue as to the importance of funeral rituals and ceremonies.

But, it seems here in the United States we’re ready to let go of fear altogether. People want to make death real again and understand the importance of being part of the funeral process. In fact, most of today’s families want to put “fun” in funerals: they want to celebrate the uniqueness of the deceased, and the gift of life itself. But, as you’d expect, there are folks who hold the opposite opinion, like the fellow who wrote this forum post: “While I like the spirit behind ‘funerals should be a celebration,’ I disagree. I used to think that this was a great idea until my father died. For the five days until the funeral, I was in this kind of haze of shock and depression. It didn’t sink in and I couldn’t be happy about anything. The funeral was absolutely horrible, I cried and cried and cried…but it was good for me. Funerals allow you to get all your grief out and start getting on with your life. Having a party as a funeral is a nice idea, but I think it defeats the purpose of a funeral. A funeral is a place to cry and sob and be sad and say goodbye, so that you can be happy and celebrate another day.”

Another wrote, “Resist the overwhelming desire to get back in your car and drive away. Funerals are not about your feelings. Do what is asked of you, do not argue. Read in front of hundreds from the Bible, be a pallbearer, kneel before the casket, take Communion. You are the strong young, there to support the grieving old.”

Certainly these opinions are a rarity these days; most folks would disagree. In fact, the common belief today is that traditional funerals “allow us too easily to forget the individual and dwell only in the ritual.” No one wants to be forgotten, ever. And if the ritual is mindless and meaningless to those in attendance, why even bother? As one study participant said, “just…bury the old broad and let’s get on with our lives.”

None of this comes as a surprise. If you read Part 3 of this series, How Consumers See Today’s Funerals (and What We Can Do about It), you’re already very much aware that most folks are dissatisfied with our traditional death rituals; they are looking for something more. They’re looking for transformation.

A good funeral should be transformative – it can balance you and take you away from that sad, pensive state. It brings light and life into the room, pushing out the darkness. It’s a service which presents a loving overview of the individual’s whole life, not merely a reflection on the fact of their death. As I wrote in Part 3 of this series, “As a funeral director, I believe our biggest value is the ability to create a healing environment where people can come together for a memorable experience. This experience should promote those in attendance to support each other in their grief. The life of the deceased is the star and the theme is how that life affected their world and the world of others.”

The way the ceremony makes people feel needs to be at the very heart of everything we do as funeral directors. Most of the other stuff is just the mechanics and fluff of the funeral. Yes, you read that correctly: I said fluff. Was your funeral home a good janitor of the dead? How nice did the funeral home look? How well did the attending staff look and act? Were they helpful and considerate? They better be! All these things are important, but what do the people remember? Why, the funeral of course!

And who does the funeral? I should say who officiates at the funeral, because funeral directors don’t. The funeral directors gave the funeral ceremony over to the clergy many years ago. The funeral home merely facilitates and organizes it, in most cases. Some funeral directors are now training to officiate funerals by becoming certified funeral celebrants. They receive their training at Insight Books and the Celebrant Foundation and Institute.

The ceremony and the way it makes people feel is the real value. Clergy are quite often more interested in reinforcing religious dogma, which can heighten the sense of emotional disconnect for those in the audience.

A funeral should be about love; the love we have for each other, ourselves…for the planet and for life itself. It’s about the connections we make and weave into our quilt of life. Life has many chapters and people need to know “The Whole Life” and where they fit in. But they also want to learn about those chapters which come as a total surprise. It’s a great feeling to learn new things about an old friend, even if it’s at their funeral! People come to funerals sometimes to see and feel how they fit into the life that was lived. They want to know how they fit into the equation and some come to justify their own existence.

So how do we as funeral professionals take back the funeral? I’ll give you one guess (and if you read either Celebrants Will Save the American Funeral or How Celebrants Can Help the Funeral Industry you already know the answer: we need to bring celebrants into the mix. Their work is to shine a light on the life of the deceased, effectively transforming the funeral service from the darkness of death and loss into the light of life and love. Not only do celebrants make the service meaningful and transformative, their work is helping funeral directors take back the funeral, one life at a time.

If you don’t believe me, in the next post in this series you’ll get to hear from the celebrants themselves, and the funeral directors who know the value of their services. Whether traditional or non-traditional, a funeral service can – and should! – be a deeply personal experience. Perhaps it will mean something different to everyone there, but it should always reinforce the value of the life lived, and the value of the relationships, the loving connections, between the deceased and each of the individuals in the audience. Next time, we’ll look at exactly how celebrants can do that.

If you’re a funeral director who has already brought celebrants into your service arrangements, we’d like to hear about your experiences–and feature them in our upcoming post. The same is true if you’re a celebrant, or if you’ve attended a service led by a celebrant. It’s your turn to stand up and be heard.

How Consumers See Today’s Funerals (and What We Can Do about It) Part 3

Because of her academic training in anthropology, I thought I’d ask Kim to open this post with just a short examination of funerals as rites of passage. (She’s got a Master’s Degree in the field and has spent over 40 years in the cross-cultural study of funeral ceremonies.) “The fellows whose work I studied in grad school: 19^th century anthropologists

Arnold van Gennep, Robert Hertz and their 20^th century counterparts Maurice Bloch and Victor Turner; shaped the way I saw these events. It was Gennep who first proposed them to be “rites of passage” marked by three distinct phases. The field work of the others, Hertz, Turner (an intellectual “hero” of mine) and Bloch refined his theory, focusing on the idea of liminality and the changes in social and psychological identities of survivors. Their primary point is a simple one: a “good” funeral ceremony is a rite of passage which is made up of a series of activities and varying states-of-being; and is, by its very definition, transformative.”

But it appears the funeral ceremonies here in the United States are not at all transformative. In fact, the participants of the 2012 Funeral Foundation Study did absolutely nothing to hide their dissatisfaction with what they know to be a traditional funeral.

“Traditional funerals are about death,” said a fellow named Rick. “It’s just about broken relationships and there is nothing posit

ive about it”, he continued. Another described a funeral service as “a lonely, lifeless tomb”; while a woman named Jody emphatically declared funerals are “mindless”. “They leave you sad at the end just like you were in the middle”, said John; in other words, there is no transformation.

And there’s no sense of community either. “When I go (to) a funeral,” Rick explained, “I feel like I am alone. You’re just there as an individual to say goodbye to this person. It’s depressing and it’s lonely.”

“Traditional services are almost a lecture of sorts,” observed Becky; who went on to say “Some…who preside over death ceremonies don’t allow for any release of sorrow. In fact, the ceremony itself makes participants more sorrowful. “I almost think of traditional funerals as puppetry,” she concluded “with someone in control manipulating the people in attendance to act the way they feel is appropriate.”

The consensus of participants was perhaps best articulated by Marilyn B., who simply said: “Nobody wants to go to a funeral. They’d rather be at Starbucks.” Uh, oh; that’s trouble. And it gets worse, because the study declared the trouble begins with the way we see ourselves and how we define the work we do.

The Underlying “Disconnect”

It seems when a funeral director sits down with a family; it’s almost like two people, each of whom speaks a different language, meeting in the room. (Chances are there’s going to be a lot of talking, but very little constructive conversation.) That’s what we call disconnect.

The researchers of the study qualified the nature of this separation. “Funeral industry executives see themselves as caring creators: healing wounds, helping to write the story of a life, building foundations and bridges to the future; weaving and mendin

g the fabric of a community. But consumers don’t see them the same way; in fact, they see funeral directors as robotic rulers. “At worst, they are bullies,” said Marilyn H.; while another woman recognized the reasons why: “They are there to make everything run efficiently. They’ve done this so many

times they are tough, emotionally. They have to switch on to their remote, automatic, robotic.” Study participant John said, “They remind me of some sort of machinery. Not loud, but repetitive. They have a job to do, there are things that need to be done and the guy is doing it.”

Here’s what I think: this disconnect is a wall that has been carefully built by funeral directors. For generations they have lurked in the shadows hiding in a cloak of secrecy. It’s been easier for them to keep the mystery in funeral service and keep the consumers guessing. Yes they like to think of themselves as caring helpers but the complex nature of funeral service has caused them to often seek predictable paths that help them maintain the comfort level they desire to simply get the job done with the least amount of stress possible (and the highest degree of profit).

Funeral directors are “pros” at diffusing any conflicts that come up in the arrangement process. They are not about offering up options that would begin arguments and create more questions of their abilities. Funeral arranging needs to be a creative process that needs to open door to solutions that will embrace individual needs.

Funeral directors prefer the pick A, B, C or D option nice and tidy ducks in a row with no surprises. While this is expedient, it’s the opposite of what needs to take place to create a funeral service that is as unique as the deceased and the special needs of the survivors.

When funeral directors seek out the easy path, the results become more generic and the resulting funeral is not special. So much so that those in attendance and especially the ones paying the bill will be left with a feeling of “why bother”, and then they say the most dreaded words in funeral service: “Just cremate me and scatter the ashes. Use the saved money to have a party in my memory.” And then they have that party, and we funeral directors look from the outside and say “Gee, I could have helped them plan a much better party that would be so much more meaningful and memorable. I have the know-how and all the best connections to have done this right.” But guess what? It’s too late.

Cremation Casket — Funeral Director Agreed That it Was A Nice Box

Robin Heppell candidly addressed the issue of “disconnect” in a recent interview with Kim, putting the blame squarely on a primary source of funeral home profits: the casket. “I do think the executives want to see themselves as caring creators; but as a whole, I don’t think they successfully transmit that vision through to their licensed staff because the casket still plays a big role in funeral home profits. If there was little or no profits from caskets, they would be closer to achieving their ideal of being caring creators. As long as caskets have a potential of providing a large amount of profit to a funeral home, their will the conscious or subconscious desire of greater casket sales–and the public isn’t interested in caskets.”

He went on to say, “Until the funeral home is in alignment with consumers, there’s going to be this disconnect. I think the thing is–when you’re able to almost let it go–and truly just give the family what they want and offer things they may not have realized you could, there will be more synergy between the funeral homes and the families they serve.

Okay, so consumers do not see funeral directors as the kind of creative resource they are seeking. But it gets worse. One respondent, Marilyn H., spoke about what it was like to plan her sister-in-law’s service: “It felt like we were buying a car.” She went on to describe the situation: “…we were with a man part of the time, then we were with a woman, and then he would come back. Then they put us in this room and on every single wall there was stuff you could buy. It was awful, like (when) you go to a carnival and they have all the prizes.” Synergy? How about just shooting for an experience that is less than “awful”?

How Can You Deliver the Kind of Funeral Service Today’s Consumers Want?

When asked to speak about their ideal end-of-life service, one participant said “A memorial service is about celebrating someone’s milestones and accomplishments. For the survivors, it’s good to rehash it all. If they’re in a grieving state, misery does love company. The companionship, the camaraderie. It’s kind of a support group. If someone is really grieving, it helps them cope with it better by sharing these common experiences.”

Another shared “I want plenty of dancing and laughing and having a great time.” What Arlene said next (about a friend’s funeral she had recently attended) was most descriptive of the transformation consumers are looking for. “When we left, everybody was laughing and talking about the person because we saw all the happy moments…everyone was in a festive mood. We didn’t grieve her life, we celebrated her life. I didn’t leave heartbroken. When I walked away from there, I thought they were…still with me. I (was) basking in her achievements and her friendship.”

You can see the problem: today’s consumer doesn’t just want to just “get through” the funeral. They want to create a memorable and healing experience that will form a platform which is strong enough to carry their memories into the future and help them to feel that they are actually part of the legacy of the life lived.

As a funeral director, I believe our biggest value is ability to create a healing environment where people can come together for a memorable experience. This experience should promote those in attendance to support each other in their grief. The life of the deceased is the star and the theme is how that life affected their world and the world of others.

What Does All This Mean for Funeral Home Owner/Operators?

What we may see as the “special need” of today’s consumers–the desire for a truly personal, improvisational and celebratory event which is transformative for all concerned–does create busy work for funeral directors; work they may not have the time or the skill sets to perform. But there is one thing you can do to reduce the workload:

Hire more specialized part-time employees and rely upon them for the more creative tasks. You should not have to hire more licensed funeral directors to meet the unique needs of today’s families. In truth, doing so could be counterproductive in the long run. Not only could it drive up the cost of the average funeral, chances are it won’t provide families with what they want.

If a specially trained Master of Ceremonies who knows just how to draw on all aspects of a life lived and craft all that information into a well-balanced and touching ceremony would help, then you should be hiring the best Certified Life Celebrant you can find. If you cannot find a good celebrant in your area, you should find a person that you think would be good and pay for their training. (Check out “Not Your Grandparent’s Funeral“, published “way back” in 2012, for a look at the enormous value a certified celebrant can bring to the service.)

Change the way your licensed staff make funeral arrangements. This is critical; funeral directors must focus more on the event and how it will make people feel. They need to be more aggressive in conveying the options when it comes to the location, look and feel of the ceremony. And the feel of the service can be a very positive reflection on their funeral home.
Use the latest bells and whistles available. Today there’s a wealth of them: video tributes, custom photo blankets, programs, funeral favors, keepsakes and memorial websites. If any of these will help support the goal of creating a healing experience; then why not use them to the best of your ability?

The key lies in providing value to the consumer. Value that they can feel moved by. If our services don’t move people to say “Wow! That’s what I want when I die!” we will all become disposers of the dead as people flock to cremation societies and event planners. Never forget the clock is ticking. Chances are your attitude, demeanor and operational skill sets are already costing you customers. If you don’t decide to change your approach, the families in your service area will simply leverage the Internet to get what they want if they don’t feel your funeral home is up to their special needs.

Let’s Talk

We know you won’t disagree with the fact that consumers are turning away from “traditional funerals” in favor of more celebratory, life-oriented services. But we have made some strong statements here today which you might disagree with; statements like:

1. It’s unfortunate that funeral directors have long defined a funeral as “a traditional service for the deceased at a chapel or church with the casket present”. “It’s the biggest screw-up ever,” said Rob Heppell, who went on to say it’s high time we omitted the focus on a casket. If consumers don’t want an expensive casket, and we define the very word as casket-oriented; then they won’t want it.”

2. As long as caskets have a potential of providing a large amount of profit to a funeral home, there will be the conscious or subconscious desire for greater casket sales. In promoting casket-oriented services funeral home owner/operators are guilty of putting their own needs first and in doing so are their own worst enemies.

3. Funeral directors intentionally built a wall between themselves and the consumer. But, it has now been torn down by the information highway known as “the Internet”. Funeral directors can no longer play “cat and mouse” with the consumer.

4. It’s time for us to get real. We really need to work on our genuineness if we are to build any trust. If we can’t build a genuine trust people will do things themselves. Without trust we cannot effectively convey the real value of funeral service.

Don’t sit and stew over whatever’s on your mind; instead, speak up! Tell us what you’re thinking, and we’ll return the favor.

Public Opinion Concludes Funeral Service Has Dropped The Ball!

Success in the funeral service business depends on the public’s trust and good feelings about those who work in this industry. However, the public’s perception of the funeral service industry–and of funerals in general–is changing dramatically, as indicated by an extensive 2012 public opinion study by Olson Zaltman Associates (OZA) at the request of the Funeral Services Foundation. Below is an outline of the studies findings. Cremation Solutions will follow up this post with how the funeral industry has responded along with some conclusions on changes the public would like to see.

The Methodology

Funeral Foundation Study, which took place in the summer of 2012, interviewed more than a dozen individuals in Georgia and Kansas, with ages that range between 50 and 70, including those with a range of religious beliefs, of different races and ethnic backgrounds, and an equal number of men and women. They talked to each person between one and one-and-a-half hours.

The Findings

The OZA study, which sought to determine and elaborate on the public’s perception of funeral homes and end of life services, learned the following insights from their interviews:

1. The public views funeral homes as dark, confining and sometimes scary places. In the OZA study, respondents said things like funeral homes “are real formal and not really inviting, like art museums and galleries” and “they are sterile, cool and out of date.”

2. The mood of a traditional funeral is opaque. Those interviewed said things like a traditional funeral is “dark and difficult to see” and “it’s just about death, not the life of the person.” They are open to a moving and spiritual ceremony, just not one that focuses on the gloom doom of death.

3. People have negative feelings at a funeral home. At a typical funeral, those people interviewed felt “alone” (this was especially true of males in the study), “isolated,” “uneasy” and “like I’m being controlled.” They would avoid funeral homes because of the way they make them feel.

4. There is no transformation at a typical funeral. Most of the respondents felt that the typical funeral left the attendees feeling sad and depressed rather than feeling happy to have known the person who died. They yearn to connect with the life that was lived and want to share in keeping the memories alive.

5. The message of the traditional funeral is “This is the end.” Those interviewed in the study said things like “a traditional funeral forces me to accept that this person’s life is over.” They also mentioned that at the end of the funeral, mourners felt that they couldn’t talk about the deceased, that the person’s “chapter” was closed. This is the complete opposite of people desire to re-visit and continue the message of the deceased!

6. People want to be more in control of their end of life service. Those interviewed want their own funeral to be their “crowning performance.” They want to be the writer, the producer, the director, the star. They don’t want their funeral to be just like everyone else’s. After all, their life isn’t just like everyone else’s. The majority of respondents wanted to decide things like the setting, the “props,” the mood and the soundtrack/music of their end of life service. They want their life message to be heard. “I Lived, I mattered. This is what is important to me, continue my work and make a difference.

7. People want to put the “fun” back in funeral. The ideal end of life service for most of the people interviewed in the service was one that celebrated the life of the person who died. Respondents said things like they wanted people to wear bright colors rather than traditional black clothing; that they wanted the music to be up-beat rather than solemn, even including rock or other contemporary music; and that they wanted the setting for the service to be somewhere that had been meaningful to them, such as a park or a beach.

8. People want funerals to be informal with room for improvising. Rather than follow a strict, formal script, many of the respondents wanted their end of life service to be a casual, free-flowing affair, where guests would feel comfortable standing up and sharing anecdotes and memories about them.

9. People see their funerals as a final way to share what was important to them. Those in the survey shared examples where the minister or service leader didn’t really know the deceased and thus had difficulty sharing what was special to them during their life. One respondent talked about her father’s funeral, where the minister “got it wrong” by lauding him as a war hero even though he was a pacifist and only served in a support capacity during World War II. Others indicated that they would like to have their service highlight their religious beliefs, even including printing literature about their church for mourners to take with them after the service.

10. People feel that a good service is transformative. Many of those interviewed indicated that, to them, a good end of life service would be transformative, leaving those attending feeling good about themselves and about the person who has died. Most saw dancing, singing and laughing as an integral part of an ideal service.

11. Many were concerned about the high cost of a funeral. Virtually all respondents were concerned about their families’ spending too much on a funeral, so much that it would leave them financially strapped. They have a hard time seeing the value in traditional funeral services. It’s no surprise more and more are opting for an event put together by friends and family and using the funeral home as a disposal service.

This is How it's Done! — This is How it’s Done!

12. Consumers see funeral directors differently than they see themselves. Another OZA study, in 2011, interviewed funeral directors and found that the majority view themselves as “caring creators,” people who help families design their ideal service, heal wounds and build foundations for the future. However, the 2012 consumer study concluded that consumers don’t see funeral directors as creators, but rather as “rulers,” or even “bullies,” telling them what they can and cannot do with their–and their loved ones’–end of life service.

The general perception of funeral directors, as gleaned from the study, was that directors are cold and impersonal, inflexible and “remote and robotic.” One interviewee said that they felt funeral service professionals were more interested in “getting the job done” than in helping the family in a difficult time.

The Conclusions

The analysts on this study drew several conclusions from their interviews:

While most funerals are still traditional funerals, non-traditional end of life services are becoming more and more popular.
The so-called “Boomer” generation is less traditional and more individualistic than previous generations. The sponsors of the study extrapolated that future generations may be even less traditional.
The “green” movement is becoming increasingly attractive to consumers who purchase services from the funeral services industry.
Consumers attitudes are changing about the meaning of life and death.
Most consumers equate traditional funeral services with death, whereas many would prefer an end of life service to focus on life. A ceremony that reflects on the life while building a foundation for mourners to feel good about their relationship with the deceased as they carry those believes into the future.
These feelings about death and end of life services transcend race, geography, sex and religious affiliation.

Final thoughts

Based on this study, it’s clear that the funeral services industry has a lot of work to do to adapt and change to best suit what the public is looking for in end of life services. Simply doing what we’ve always done is, increasingly, not enough to meet the expectations of this less traditional and more individualistic new funeral services consumer. How we, as an industry, meet this challenge is affecting the very existence of funeral homes as we know them today. Record numbers of funeral homes are now closing their doors as those who adapt thrive. As discounters and cremation societies rapidly grow their businesses the opportunity to show the public the value in funeral service continues to diminish. Remember just like one poorly embraced cookie cutter funeral can take away the chance of your funeral home doing a dozen future funerals, One memorable celebration of life that moves people to say WOW! that’s the kind of funeral I want, can and will set the stage for future funeral plans.

The possibilities are exciting. Our funeral providers have an opportunity to shape the way end of life services continue in the 21st century. We have the chance to be the stage managers behind individually-choreographed funeral services where Celebrants and green funeral options will get people thinking and talking about creating meaningful and memorable funeral service. Just because that’s not the way we’ve always done it doesn’t mean that’s not the way of the future.

We invite you to share your thoughts about this study and how you see the funeral services industry evolving in the next decade. Please leave a comment and join the discussion.

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What Are Some of The Most Extreme Funerals You Have Been Involved With?

Clown Funneral Planning — We Die How We Lived

As we know, each and every funeral we do is unique, depending on families wants and needs for their departed loved ones. Some may want certain pictures in certain areas, or have something special in the casket with their loved one, or perhaps they’ve requested you to say something special in your eulogy. While each funeral is unique, they are pretty typical. We expect these minor deliverance’s for families. But then again…

Have you ever had the request to decorate the casket as a reindeer sleigh, with the deceased dressed as Santa? Or perhaps you needed to serve ribs to those attending the funeral, with the barbeque sauce cascading down as a water fountain? Over the top? Absolutely not! These are in fact actual funerals that have been held. They are definitely unique, and they are definitely extreme.

Having directed some very unique funerals myself has made me to wonder what your most extreme funerals have been. Were they funny or maybe even scary? We’ve all had them, whether we work in a large city or a very small town. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:

A gentleman that had passed away owned a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Next to his family, this was the most beloved thing in his life. For his funeral, he was placed on his Harley in a glass casket that his children had built for him. The services were held around the glass casket, which was in an outside setting.

That’s pretty extreme. What was your most extreme funeral? How did you go about making the funeral special and unique for those in attendance? Another very interesting aspect of these extreme funerals is how those in attendance reacted to the service. Were they happy, angry, or downright appalled?

At the time of year when we’re made out to be morbid, ghoulish people, I’d love to hear of some very different types of funerals and how you handled them. Let’s all brighten the stigma surrounding funeral directors and share some of the uniqueness of our profession! I look forward to reading your interesting story soon!

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I Will Die November 1st!

Britney — Could You Put A Date On “Your” Death?

A young woman in Portland, Oregon will die on November 1st, 2014. Brittany Maynard, formerly of the San Francisco Bay area in California has chosen to die the day after her husband’s October 30th birthday.

Brittany Maynard’s Story

Brittany, 29, married her husband in 2013. Shortly after the wedding, she started experiencing horrific headaches that debilitated her and kept her up at night. While she was on vacation with her husband, on New Years Day, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. More specifically, grade II Astrocytoma, and given 3 years to live.

The cancer progressed rapidly, and in April it had upgraded to grade IV Glioblastoma multiforme, which is a much more severe form of brain cancer. At that time she was given six months to live, and told that even with treatment she could only extend her life to 14 months.

After the doctors told her what the quality of the rest of her life would be like, she decided to end her life on November 1st. She wanted to enjoy her last day of life on her husband’s birthday, so they could have one last happy memory together before she passed on.

The family moved to Portland, Oregon, which is one of the only states with a death-with-dignity law. There, she was able to obtain a lethal prescription to end her life painlessly and peacefully.

On November 1st, she will retreat to her bedroom with her family by her side, and pass away quietly listening to her favorite music.

Brittany Maynard’s Fight For Suicide Rights

Since her diagnosis and decision, Brittany has been sharing her story and fighting for suicide rights as an advocate for Compassion & Choices. She also set up The Brittany Maynard Fund to fight for death-with-dignity laws in states that haven’t yet passed the legislation.

She says that she will spend every last minute that she has left fighting for the rights of others with terminal illnesses to end their lives on their terms, so that they can have control over how they die.

Her goal is to change the laws so that people aren’t forced to die painful deaths. Through educating others, it is her hope that one day, assisted suicide will be a healthcare option for terminally ill people everywhere.

How Assisted Suicide Works

Currently Oregon, Washington, Vermont, Montana, and New Mexico are the only states that allow physicians to write prescriptions for assisted suicide. In order to qualify for assisted suicide, a patient must reside in the state and have a terminal illness that will kill them within six months.

The patient must ask for the prescription verbally twice, at least 15 days apart. Then, they have to ask for it once in writing. The patient has to take it in the doctor’s presence, but they have to take it themselves without help. The doctor cannot administer it.

The Court Of Public Opinion

Assisted suicide is a very controversial topic. You have people on all sides, making arguments for and against it. There are the religious people claiming it’s a sin, and the alternative healers. The thing is, most of these people have never lived through the pain and suffering from a terminal illness.

First, you have the people who are against suicide. However, assisted suicide isn’t people who are killing themselves, it’s people who already have a disease that’s killing them. These people aren’t suicidal, they simply want to choose how they die, instead of letting the disease choose.

If the option of assisted suicide wasn’t there, people might seek other means. This isn’t a selfish act. When an animal is sick with a terminal illness, we have it euthanized. Why can’t a person decide that they want to die without pain and suffering?

The thing people often forget is that it’s about the person who’s suffering, not anyone else. It’s everyone else that wants them to stay and suffer. If they want to go, people should let them go. Assisted suicide is not a selfish act, forcing them to hold on and suffer is.

There are those that believe that terminally ill people who ask for assisted suicide feel depressed because of their illness. These people are of the belief that once the depression gets treated, they won’t want assisted suicide. However, they aren’t depressed, they just don’t want to suffer. The gift of life isn’t a gift when you have no quality of life.

When someone dies, we often say, “at least he didn’t suffer,” or “at least she’s not suffering anymore.” So, why does society even consider letting someone suffer for months until their death in the first place?

How Assisted Suicide Affects The Survivors

If a person commits suicide for selfish reasons it leaves the family devastated with more questions than answers, and they never fully recover. They are always wondering what they could have done differently or if there are signs they should have noticed, and how they could have prevented it.

If a person dies from assisted suicide, the family generally knows ahead of time, and has time to prepare and say their good-byes so when the time comes they’re prepared. They mourn the loss of their loved one as they would if they had died from the disease, but there’s no sudden shock.

Everyone wants to know that their loved one’s final wishes were carried out. The guilt of knowing that a family member or loved one never received their last wish would be far greater than knowing that they died with dignity, the way they wanted to. They also know that their loved died peacefully and painlessly.

How Assisted Suicide Affects Funeral Planning

When a loved one chooses assisted suicide, they can rest assured that their eulogies will be about the way they lived, not about how they suffered in the last days before they died. Additionally, because they were able to plan ahead for their death, they can also plan their funeral, their way.

Often we carry our last memory of the person who passed with us forever. Assisted suicide allows family members and friends to remember their loved one the way they wanted people to remember them, and not frail and debilitated from a long battle with an illness.

It’s important to keep in mind that some funeral homes or ministers may refuse to conduct funerals, or some funeral rites, for people who have committed suicide, assisted or otherwise.

The right to die is a controversial one, but it affects us all. Some people see Brittany as weak, or giving up hope. However, Brittany is a very strong woman for fighting what she wants and believes in, to the very end. She’s spending her last days fighting for the rights of others to die with dignity.

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