SACRAMENTO, CA — According to eyewitness accounts from Sutter Memorial’s emergency room patients, Joshua Hayes, 30, stumbled through the hospital’s entryway and his distended abdomen violently burst open. Scene investigators discovered the food to entrails ratio to be remarkably high, which prompted in-depth but expedited analysis. The lab results showed the contents that exploded from Hayes’ stomach precisely matched the recommended diets discussed by Doctor Oz’s television program, website and daily emails. More specifically, the contents contained all the recommended diets.
Flesh, blood and Doctor Oz’s miracle foods and vitamin supplements covered nearly everyone who was in the waiting room during the time of the incredible human explosion, provoking melodramatic reactions from a majority of the emergency room patients. Head Nurse Michelle Sanders said, “I’ve never seen anything like this in all my 30-something years of nursing. The smell of acai berries, green detox ozz, humus and raspberries key tones is almost as intense as actually seeing that hunk of small intestine clinging to a wall. This emergency room looks like a combination of the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ combined with a farmers’ market.”
Hayes’ widowed and freshly single nubile wife Natalie, 28, was in the process of parking the couple’s car when the abdominal explosion occurred. However, even though she did not see her husband’s spontaneous combustion, she claimed to be sad about the situation.
When asked why her husband would have so thoroughly gorged himself on so much of Doctor Oz’s recommended diet foods in such a short period, she said, “Josh was always at the pinnacle of health. He worked out constantly and always ate well by avoiding fast food, snacks, sodas… all that stuff. I had been taking the Dr. Oz coffee bean extract and aside from the constant diarrhea and vomiting the magic elixir made my hot little body even hotter! Josh was impressed and he then discovered Doctor Oz’s various suggestions for dieting, he lost control of his ability to separate beneficial claims from reality.”
Ms. Hayes added, “He said he wanted to get every health benefit from Doctor Oz’s diets, and over the course of the first few days on the diet he ate, quite literally, everything Oz had ever discussed diet wise.”
Upon being asked whether or not she feels ready to get back into the dating game, she said that the question was extremely inappropriate and offensive; however, her body language said differently, which was evident to this reporter in between her loud sobbing and skyward questioning, asking her deity, “Why did you have to take Joshua like this?” Neither Doctor Oz nor Ms. Hayes’ chosen deity could be reached for comment.
Mrs. Hayes claimed to have an close relationship with the local funeral director and needed to now go see him about arranging for a cremation service. She said she figured that since only half of her late husband’s remains were recoverable she would be able to persuade her funeral director friend that it should be a low cost cremation service.
(Pictured Right) Mrs Hayes checks the fine detail on a cremation casket. Due to tragic circumstances the stand up funeral director donated this beautiful box.
She even said she should be able to use a smaller cremation urn to hold his ashes because there would be less of him. She thought perhaps cremation urns for pet ashes would be big enough, adding that a cremation urn for dogs might be appropriate for Josh and that she would scatter the ashes where they first met at his favorite strip club.
When leaving the funeral home Ms. Hayes maintained her fake position on dating while walking to her vehicle. Additionally, she would not answer the door that evening for this reporter, who was looking for more elaboration on how she wanted to go about dating. She was definitely home, two lights were visible in the dark of the evening: one visible in the front of the house and the other visible from some manzanita bushes in her backyard.
Every door in Ms. Hayes’ Sacramento home was locked, and all the bottom floor windows were closed as well. Although there was an open window on the second floor, there were not immediately available climbable items to facilitate entering the home and obtaining further interview answers.
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